The 21 stages of the narcissist-empath relationship reveal the complete cycle of abuse, from beginning to end.
Empaths are pure souls who love unconditionally. They are naturally generous and often unaware that there are people on this planet who are completely different from them. They feel everything very deeply and often take on the problems of others.
Then comes the narcissist, a ruthless being driven solely by self-interest. Narcissists are master manipulators who give nothing in return (unless it serves their own purposes).
Unfortunately, empaths frequently fall victim to narcissists’ tricks, causing them real pain.
Let’s explore empaths, narcissists, and the relationship that often develops between them.
The Relationship Between Empaths and Narcissists
What is an Empath?
An empath is someone born with an innate ability to feel the emotions and energy of others as if they were their own.
What an empath experiences goes beyond simply knowing what others feel or merely sympathizing with them. They actually feel the emotions of others within their own body, through their nervous system.
Before an empath realizes their true nature, the intensity of their emotions can sometimes be overwhelming.
What they don’t yet realize is that many of their feelings are actually the feelings of others, not their own. Until then, they feel like an overly sensitive soul, as if something is wrong with it to feel so much.
Related : TRUTH: Can an Empath Be a Narcissist?
Empathy can feel like a curse until the empath learns to protect themselves from absorbing and bearing the pain of others as if it were their own. But once the empath learns to control their energy, it can become beautiful. Empaths can experience the true meaning of humanity on a profound level.
Empaths are naturally generous and healing.
Compassionates are naturally connected to their higher selves and the divine source of all things. Even the compassionate person who is unaware of their own existence possesses a powerful intuition that senses something higher beyond this reality.
Furthermore, compassionates are naturally gifted in giving, healing, and listening. People are naturally drawn to them because their calm and generous nature radiates healing energy.
Compassionates often feel overwhelmed because they give so much to others, often without realizing it. They need to learn the importance of giving to themselves first, and then they can choose those who are truly worthy of their generosity (those who are genuinely growing on a personal and spiritual level).
At first, this might seem selfish to a compassionate person, but they will later realize that each of us is responsible for our own path.
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who, unconsciously, severed their connection with their higher self and divine source early in life.
They couldn’t bear the painful inner wounds of abandonment, rejection, and shame (resulting from childhood trauma). So, they disowned the part responsible for those feelings—their true self.
Without their true self, all that remained was their ego, which controlled them. In order to cope psychologically with this world, the narcissist created a false self. The purpose of this false self is to protect them from the bitter truth (which they have long rejected): that they are imperfect, like all of us.
The false self is a fragmented self, incapable of accepting both the positive and negative aspects equally. Therefore, the narcissist chose the path of superiority and entitlement as a false reality.
Narcissists constantly exploit others to alleviate the pain of their own dark inner emptiness.
The false self becomes the narcissist’s god. They don’t believe in a higher power, so they expect others to worship them, and they believe that rules and laws don’t apply to them.
In other words, the narcissist is only capable of accepting a reality in which they are superior, perfect, and wonderful. They absolutely refuse to acknowledge any flaw or deficiency in their character.
The problem with the narcissist’s delusional world is that it only exists in their mind. The only way they feel real in the external world is through constant validation from others, which confirms that their world is indeed “real.”
They do this by relentlessly seeking attention and admiration, which is why appearances are so important to them. They also seek this validation through argument, chaos, drama, and control. These things make them feel important and powerful, which confirms their existence.
Why are narcissists attracted to empaths?
You can see how vastly different empaths and narcissists are. So how is it that these two opposites are so often drawn to each other?
On an energetic level, a narcissist constantly seeks the life energy of others because they lack it themselves. When they sever their connection with their true self, they also sever their connection with divine life energy.
Related : 17 Things to Expect After Dating a Narcissist
This life energy is the only true solution to the immense emptiness left by the absence of their true self. However, this emptiness is nothing more than a black hole that can never be filled or satisfied.
Anything that feeds a narcissist with attention or energy is called a “narcissistic supply.”
Empaths have an abundance of life energy because they are deeply connected to the Source and their inner essence. They generally act out of genuine love (knowing they are not perfect) and live with open hearts.
Empaths tend to see the bright side of people and struggle to accept that some manipulate and exploit others for their own gain. While they acknowledge the existence of evil in the world, they believe that the vast majority of people act with genuine motives, just like themselves.
The truth is, there’s nothing genuine about a narcissist. Their entire life is an illusion built on a false reality created by a fabricated self. They are pathological liars who manipulate, deceive, and bully daily. But because they do it all with a charming smile, they’re difficult to detect.
Narcissists are masters of manipulation. They are devils in disguise.
You can liken a narcissist to a vampire, draining the energy of others to feed their own emptiness. When everyone is exhausted, they discard them and replace them with someone who still has enough energy to drain. And so the cycle continues.
The truth is, no sane person would simply hand over their resources and energy to a dark, empty soul. So, to satisfy their desires, the narcissist must manipulate others into willingly surrendering their energy without realizing what’s happening.
And this is where the narcissist completely seduces the sympathetic, giving them a false image of their true self.
During the emotional adoration phase (love bombardment), the narcissist studies the empathetic, uncovering their deepest wounds and fears. They store this information for later use.
The narcissist will appear to possess all the qualities the empath has always sought: someone they truly see and who reciprocates the same level of love they so generously give to others (though rarely receive in return).
The narcissist will project their own empathy, kindness, love, and compassion onto the empath, pretending to embody these qualities as well. But in reality, the narcissist is devoid of conscience, so they will never experience any of it. It’s simply a ploy to ensnare the empath.
Once the narcissist has the empath in their web, they will begin to exploit them, undermining their self-confidence and independence, and draining their vital energy.
The empath simply cannot grasp that this person is not kind-hearted, so they give the narcissist a second chance, again and again.
The only way to break this cycle is when the empath feels utterly empty, and the narcissist abandons them in search of a new source of sustenance. Or when the empath awakens from their delusion, realizing that not everyone is genuine and loving, especially the person they professed to love above all else.
No one (not even the empath) can truly heal or fix a narcissist. The only real cure is for the narcissist to reconnect with themselves and take full responsibility for all their unhealed inner wounds. However, due to the nature of this disorder, healing is virtually impossible.
What is the purpose of an empath’s relationship with a narcissist?
Going through an abusive relationship with a narcissist can be one of the most psychologically painful experiences, especially since the abuse is insidious, vile, and hidden.
For a highly sensitive person to spend months, years, or even decades surrendering their life to someone who only kept them there through deception is a profound betrayal on the deepest level.
Yet, there is a deep spiritual purpose behind a highly sensitive person’s relationship with a narcissist. It is, at its core, a journey of self-discovery. Does this sound complicated and confusing? I felt exactly that way when I was struggling with this situation, so I completely understand! But it’s the truth, and I’d like to explain why.
Most highly sensitive people are dependent, meaning they look outside themselves for the love, appreciation, security, and sense of belonging they crave. You can almost bet they experienced trauma in their childhood, learning that to feel comfortable, they must first reassure others.
One of the main reasons empaths are overly generous and try to fix others is their deep sensitivity to the pain of those around them. As a defense mechanism, they learn that to alleviate this pain, they must fix others.
The empath learns to take emotional responsibility for everyone around them.
Narcissists, on the other hand, are flawed beings who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and project their repressed wounds onto anyone who accepts them.
The narcissist sees the loving and generous empath as a source of immense desire and wants them for themselves, not because they truly value or love them, but because they see what they can gain from them. The narcissist sees how easily the empath can be manipulated and controlled through emotional blackmail.
From this arises a toxic relationship in which the narcissist constantly drains the empath’s energy and resources while keeping them dependent on crumbs of affection.
Whenever the empathic person defends themselves or stands up to the narcissist’s abuse and demands, the narcissist will shame them and accuse them of being heartless, indifferent, and immoral (all the qualities that characterize the narcissist).
Little by little, the empath surrenders all their power to the narcissist. The narcissist convinces the empath that they are their sole source of love, appreciation, security, and survival.
But in reality, this is all a carefully orchestrated manipulation that keeps the empath captive. The narcissist is terrified that the empath will discover the truth. The empath has always been the stronger party, and the narcissist needs them to survive.
As the narcissist identifies the empath’s deepest wounds, they deliberately reopen them and intensify the pain. This is all designed to provoke and control the empath, draining them of immense energy.
The empath’s maturity begins when they recognize the narcissist’s true nature and intentions. Regardless of how the relationship ends (which is usually disastrous), they now have the opportunity to completely change its course.
The narcissist’s ultimate goal in the empath’s life is to make the latter realize the dangers of seeking love, security, appreciation, and survival outside of themselves.
Now that the empath’s psyche has been shattered, it’s time for them to look inward and realize that all of this originates from within.
True healing occurs when the empath learns to release all the trauma within their body—trauma so skillfully identified by the narcissist. There is no time limit to this process; it takes as long as the soul needs.
There is no right or wrong; all roads lead to the self.
Little by little, the empath rebuilds themselves, stronger and more independent than ever before. They return to their inner core, becoming the source of their own self-love, self-esteem, security, and survival. They will not surrender their strength to anyone else, especially not to someone empty, fragmented, and unscrupulous.
If the empath doesn’t learn everything they need from their relationship with the narcissist, they will repeat the same patterns with other narcissists until they are ready to rise above this cycle.
21 Stages of a Narcissist-Empathizer Relationship
It is said that there are 21 stages in a narcissist-empathizer relationship.
Some might argue that these are the same stages anyone in a relationship with a narcissist goes through. However, I believe that the depth of this relationship with an empath is much deeper due to their generous nature, as well as their energy and empathy.
Let’s explore the stages of a narcissist-empathizer relationship.
Stage 1: Attraction
The narcissist is attracted to the empath by showing everything that person has been subconsciously seeking—love, appreciation, and acceptance.
In this stage, the narcissist overdoes their displays of affection (showers love) to gain the empath’s trust. This might include lavish dates, passionate intimacy, and deep, meaningful conversations that last for hours. The characteristics of this stage vary depending on the type of narcissist and are specifically designed to attract the empath.
Related : Why Do Codependents Attract Narcissists?
In reality, what the narcissist does during this stage is study the empath to discover their deepest fears, hopes, dreams, and desires. They gather information to use later.
Stage Two: Deception
The empath finally feels they have found someone who truly sees and loves them. They fall for the narcissist with what they believe to be unconditional love.
But unfortunately, the narcissist is incapable of love, and everything in their world is conditional. They only give the empath what they desperately want temporarily to ensnare them in their toxic web.
What the narcissist sees in the empath is someone incredibly generous, kind-hearted, compassionate, and caring. It’s not that the narcissist appreciates any of these qualities, but they instinctively know how much the empath will give them without expecting anything in return.
It’s all about what the empath can give the narcissist, not the other way around.
The narcissist creates an elaborate deception, convincing the empath that they are soulmates and that the special bond they share cannot be found with anyone else.
To achieve this, the narcissist mimics everything the empath is looking for. They pretend to share the same interests and morals, making it seem like they are a good match.
The empath is unaware that this is all an illusion orchestrated by a skilled manipulator.
Stage Three: Manipulation
As the relationship develops, the narcissist begins to subtly belittle the empath, so much so that the empath doesn’t realize they are slipping into an abusive relationship.
The narcissist gradually works to erode the empath’s self-confidence and independence in order to control them.
Any “kind” comments from the narcissist are often accompanied by insults or denials of their feelings. Over time, the empath begins to feel anxious and insecure, as if they are incapable of doing anything without the narcissist’s help.
The narcissist steps in, presenting themselves as the empath’s savior, leading them to believe they need the narcissist to survive. The empath feels that the narcissist is their support system and becomes increasingly (and manipulated) dependent on them.
The narcissist intentionally created this huge vulnerability. He needs the empath to feel helpless and worthless without him, which gives the narcissist the ability to control.
Stage Four: Control
In this stage, the narcissist has made themselves the center of the empath’s attention. They will now begin to play the victim, exploiting the empath’s desire to help others.
The narcissist will monopolize the empath’s time, energy, and mental state, ensuring they are constantly the focus of attention. Illness, problems, and chaos will become frequent, with the narcissist implicitly demanding the empath’s care, relief, and resolution.
Ultimately, narcissists lack the resources or the will to take full responsibility not only for their actions but also for their own energy.
They have effectively placed the empath in the role of caregiver, without the empath realizing it. The empath still believes it is a reciprocal relationship built on love, trust, and cooperation.
Since empaths are naturally givers of care, love, compassion, and life energy, the narcissist has taken the lion’s share of their narcissistic supply!
But nothing is ever enough for a narcissist. The narcissist will never appreciate all that the empath does for them (physically, psychologically, and spiritually). The empath is simply expected to give their all, because the narcissist lives in a false world where they portray themselves as a superior being.
Moreover, the narcissist has no source of their own life energy because they severed their connection with their true self years ago. Now, they live a life built on manipulation, stealing it from others.
Stage Five: Defeat
The empath begins to feel defeated. They don’t understand why they seem powerless to help the narcissist recover. They offer help and support as much as they can, but there’s a subtle sense of stagnation (a lack of progress).
In reality, the narcissist is a false self, living in a false reality (created by their ego). They don’t believe they have any flaws, and therefore don’t see anything in themselves that needs treatment, repair, or development.
The narcissist feigns victimhood to control and manipulate the empath, but the empath is so naive that they don’t see the deception. The empath continues trying to help the narcissist and address their problems, completely oblivious to the fact that the narcissist has no desire to change.
The empath is driven by unconditional love, while the narcissist is a heartless individual, incapable of feeling love at all. The narcissist is driven by greed and a selfish agenda.
Stage Six: Falling into the Trap
The narcissist, consciously and unconsciously, begins to realize that the relationship revolves entirely around them. Everything centers on their needs, desires, and choices.
The empath is terrified of expressing any of their fears, desires, or needs to the narcissist, even if they don’t understand the reason for their fear.
The narcissist, through insidious tactics, resorts to instilling shame, guilt, and belittling the empath to minimize their fears, because ultimately, everything must be about them. It trains the empath to ignore their own needs and replace them with the narcissist’s in every situation.
The empath is unaware that they are surrendering control to the narcissist at every turn.
They learn that pointing out any of the narcissist’s harmful behaviors is unsafe.
The empath now lives in a near-constant state of anxiety and is utterly unhappy in the relationship. However, they don’t want to hurt the narcissist’s feelings, so they continue to appease them.
Stage Seven: Trauma Attachment
The empath gives the narcissist more and more of their energy in the form of love, attention, loyalty, care, and compassion. Subconsciously, the empath seeks the love, appreciation, and acceptance that the narcissist pretended to promise at the beginning of the relationship.
Related : 9 Ways to Make a Narcissist Obsessed With You (Don’t Do It!)
During these stages of the narcissistic relationship, more life energy is channeled into the narcissist, reinforcing their false self and illusory reality.
Furthermore, the more the empath gives the narcissist, the more control the narcissist gains. The narcissist deliberately withholds precisely what the empath seeks in order to maintain emotional control.
From time to time, the narcissist resorts to punitive tactics to keep the empath in a constant state of anxiety. Then, the narcissist offers the empath a small amount of attention, affection, or connection, thus alleviating their anxiety.
Throughout this cycle, the empath’s chemistry learns that the narcissist is the one who relieves their pain, regardless of whether they are the primary cause of it.
Stage 8: Resistance
In the next stage of the relationship with a narcissist (out of 21 stages), the empath feels deeply hurt and distressed. They can no longer tolerate the narcissist’s treatment and express their feelings.
In the narcissist’s world, everything was going smoothly. The empath gave them a great deal of attention and energy, while the narcissist indulged their desires and got what they wanted.
The narcissist did not expect this resistance from the empath, and it is something they find deeply unsettling. In fact, this turn of events threatens the narcissist’s entire position.
The narcissist refuses to take responsibility for any of their flaws because it completely contradicts their false perception of self-perfection.
The narcissistic ego is extremely fragile and cannot tolerate any criticism, no matter how mild. The narcissist sees any criticism or expression of feelings from the empath as a direct attack on their fabricated image.
Therefore, the narcissist projects all their own flaws and negative behaviors onto the empath, expecting them to bear their pain. The empath is unhappy in the relationship and now realizes that the narcissist isn’t who they initially seemed.
Stage Nine: Dissatisfaction
What the empath doesn’t understand is that the narcissist is never truly satisfied. They believe that if they love and give more, it will be enough for the narcissist.
Constantly changing goals keeps the empath in a never-ending cycle, always striving to be better and give more to the narcissist. All of this feeds the narcissist’s ego, making them feel incredibly powerful and important.
However, the narcissist’s need for attention and energy is never quenched.
When the narcissist severed their connection with their true self, they found themselves facing a deep, dark void within. This immense emptiness is the result of their choice to deny their wounds, which now causes them profound feelings of self-loathing, disgust, and unworthiness.
The only way a narcissist can alleviate their pain is by controlling their ego. To protect themselves from the reality of their own inadequacy, the narcissist creates a false reality. In this reality, the narcissist believes they are superior, wonderful, and perfect.
The problem is that this illusion, in order to persist, requires constant validation from the outside world. This validation comes in the form of attention (both good and bad), which the narcissist relentlessly seeks from others.
As soon as this attention fades, the narcissist plunges into the abyss of self-loathing, self-destructing to make themselves the center of the sympathizer’s attention once again.
The sympathizer always feels inadequate because the narcissist is never satisfied. Their inner emptiness is a bottomless chasm, never to be filled. This entity draws light and goodness from the souls of others to sustain itself, but happiness is impossible.
Stage Ten: Deepening the Grip
In the next stage of the 21-stage narcissist-empathizer relationship, the narcissist tightens their grip on the empath, trapping them in a web of abuse.
When the empath finally dares to talk to the narcissist about their feelings, the narcissist dismisses and denies them completely.
They use phrases like:
“You’re crazy, maybe you need help.”
“You’re a bit sensitive, don’t you think?”
“I’m fine, so you’re the one with the problem.”
“You have problems.”
“This isn’t my fault, it’s because of your childhood.”
The idea is to manipulate the empath’s experiences and memories to control them emotionally.
The narcissist sees nothing wrong with the relationship; they get what they want, right? And they can’t take any responsibility for their actions, so they’ll blame the empath.
Stage 11: Emotional Abuse
The empath is deeply affected by the narcissist’s words, as if they were stabs to the heart. While the narcissist is incapable of taking responsibility for their actions, the empath excels in this area.
The narcissist believes there’s something wrong with them because they feel unhappy. They’ll take responsibility for all the relationship’s problems and blame themselves for everything.
The empath will feel inadequate or even unlovable.
Stage 12: Psychological Manipulation
In this stage, the narcissist repeatedly manipulates the empath until it becomes completely normalized. The empath is unaware that they are being manipulated and abused by the narcissist on both an emotional and spiritual level.
The narcissist continues to undermine the empath’s sense of self-worth and identity. The empath no longer trusts their intuition or perception of reality. They have even lost the ability to make crucial decisions without the narcissist’s approval.
All of this is achieved through the narcissist’s constant berating and ignoring of the empath, until the empath loses confidence in their ability to “do the right thing.”
Stage 13: Blaming Others
The next stage that ends the narcissistic relationship with the empath, which consists of 21 stages, is blaming others and projecting their own feelings onto them.
Whenever the empath tries to express any concerns, the narcissist quickly turns the tables and places all the blame on the empath.
The one time the empath tries to meet their needs, the narcissist will say, “Oh my God, it’s all about you, isn’t it?!”
The narcissistic ego cannot tolerate any blame because it threatens their fabricated reality of being special, superior, and perfect.
So, to cope with this attack, the narcissistic ego projects its actions onto the empath. Now, the narcissist genuinely believes the empath is responsible for everything because that’s the reality they perceive in their delusion.
This is how they justify their narrative: the empath is the perpetrator, while they (the narcissist) are always the victim.
Stage Fourteen: Withdrawal
The narcissist takes no responsibility for anything, and the empath has learned that it’s unsafe even to bring it up or talk about it.
The empath will withdraw further, experiencing deep sadness, loss, and intense pain. Confusion is the defining characteristic of this stage of the relationship with the narcissist.
“How did I get to this point?”
“What’s wrong with my body?”
“Why doesn’t my partner treat me the way other people’s partners do?”
“Why is my partner so selfish?”
“Why do I feel sad and anxious all the time?”
The empath doesn’t want to cause trouble or do anything to upset the narcissist. Their sensitive nervous system can’t cope with the narcissist’s unpredictability.
The empath lives in a state of constant vigilance and caution, unable to anticipate the narcissist’s volatile reactions, from anger and contempt to guilt and complete indifference.
The empath may justify what’s happening in the relationship as normal because they simply don’t understand it. Their loving and open nature can’t comprehend the narcissist’s extreme mood swings.
Stage 15: Realization
At some point, the empath will come to understand the narcissist’s true nature. This often comes after years or decades of being repeatedly subjected to narcissistic abuse.
It might take a triggering event or an unexpected encounter, but somehow, the empath will awaken when they are ready.
For the empath, realizing that the relationship with the narcissist was a complete lie from the start is devastating.
The most painful experience for the empath is realizing that the narcissist never truly loved them. Instead, they were exploited and manipulated to control and drain their energy and resources.
A significant part of this stage in the narcissistic relationship is understanding that not everyone is capable of unconditional love, just as not everyone is capable of it.
The empath must accept that the narcissist lacks a conscience but is adept at manipulation and deception, which allowed them to be fooled for so long.
Stage 16: Recovery
Now is the time for the empath to begin their true recovery journey.
There are many layers of trauma that need to be addressed, and the empath must finally learn to prioritize their own needs, rather than constantly giving to others.
Self-care and self-love become essential for the empath to survive the final stages of a relationship with a narcissist.
Stage 17: Acknowledging the Abuse
When the empath realizes they have been the victim of the narcissist’s abuse all along, everything changes!
Suddenly, the empath experiences justifiable anger. They now have the clarity to see that the narcissist never deserved any of their love, attention, energy, or resources.
Stage 18: Regaining Control
When the empath truly understands the narcissist, the relationship becomes a pivotal moment.
The empath must accept, with difficulty, the fact that the narcissist will never change. No matter how much love or attention they give, the narcissist will not heal. The only changeable element in this situation is the continuation of the empath’s relationship with the narcissist.
But from this reality, which can be devastating for the empath, they draw strength. The empath finally becomes capable of regaining control from the narcissist.
Stage 19: Breakup
At this stage of the relationship with the narcissist, a breakup becomes imminent. Either the narcissist or the empath will let go, but the outcomes are largely the same.
If the narcissist realizes that the empath is growing stronger and understanding, they will abandon them first to maintain their power.
Or, if the narcissist wants to keep the empath trapped in a cycle of abuse, the empath will have to leave to be free.
Letting go of the narcissist or being left is one of the most difficult experiences a empath can go through. The consequences of breaking up are often more devastating than the abusive relationship itself.
During the relationship, the empath is preoccupied with surviving day by day. Once they break up, they feel shattered and unable to go on.
Stage 20: A New Source
A narcissist cannot function psychologically without a constant flow of narcissistic gratification, so they will quickly move on to a new source.
There is no easy separation from a narcissist. No matter how things go, the narcissist will forever view the empath as something they own and will always want to keep on the shelf for future use.
It is crucial for the empath to resist all attempts by the narcissist to exploit them and to maintain their inner strength.
Anything the narcissist directs at the empath (whether positive or negative) at this stage is merely a ploy to draw them back into their toxic web.
It is essential for the empath to establish clear boundaries with the narcissist and sever all ties, or at least minimize them if property, work, or children are involved.
However, if the narcissist decides to completely abandon the empath, they will move on to a new relationship in record time, without giving the empath another second thought.
This evokes strong emotions in the empath because they cannot comprehend how someone who was supposed to love them could replace them so quickly.
Stage 21: Returning Home
The most important lesson learned from the 21 stages of a relationship with a narcissist is how easily the empath relinquishes their power to the narcissist.
The gift of the relationship between the empath and the narcissist is the empath’s return to their true self and inner essence.
Finally, the empath realizes that the only true source of love, appreciation, security, and survival comes from within. They have always possessed this power through their connection to spirituality and their higher selves.
They never needed the narcissist; quite the opposite, in fact!
The empath understands that they have direct access to abundant life energy, which is precisely what the narcissist was greedily seeking.
The empath will not surrender their power to anyone else, especially not to a dark spirit, which is nothing more than a demon in disguise.
Through this painful journey, the empath comes to understand the true extent of their power and the need to be selective about who they confide in and who helps them in this world. Not everyone is equally pure and conscious.
