Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and this is especially true in romantic relationships.

The problem is that the person you meet at first isn’t necessarily the person you’ll end up with.

By the time you realize you’ve fallen for someone cruel, selfish, and emotionally unavailable, the bond has already been formed. You’ll feel loyal to this person and find yourself (unconsciously) craving their love and appreciation, just as you did at the beginning.

What to expect after dating a narcissist will be life-altering.

You gradually surrender yourself to an abuser, hoping to find the love, security, and appreciation you’ll never find.

Dating a narcissist is like living with a carrot dangling in front of you while the pace of life slowly and subtly increases. You find yourself having to run faster and faster, only to end up receiving the same meager crumbs.

This is all part of the narcissist’s game.

But all hope isn’t lost. What to expect after a relationship with a narcissist can be a true blessing, if you’re prepared for it. Once you get past this stage and process what happened clearly and consciously, you will become a stronger person with greater self-respect.

Why are people attracted to narcissists?

Often, people fall prey to narcissists repeatedly because of their tendency to be overly dependent and overly kind. Narcissists adore those who are overly generous because, at their core, they are selfish.

People who grew up in a narcissistic environment (especially if they were carers) may be more likely to fall in love with narcissistic partners. I myself fell into this category, and I understand perfectly how the patterns and cycles of abuse, while unpleasant, were all too familiar. The toxic behaviors in my marriage were more commonplace because of what I experienced in my childhood.

We are naturally drawn to what we know and what we feel comfortable with. People with low self-esteem fall victim to a narcissist’s false promises and repeated apologies. I was caught in this cycle for years!

Compassionate and empathetic people see the good in others and believe that everyone is kind-hearted. They simply believe that some people go through difficult times or commit bad acts because of past traumas and experiences, but that they are not necessarily bad people.

Unfortunately, this is not true. Yes, narcissists do experience difficult times as a result of their traumas, but for them, it’s much deeper than that.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: A Spiritual Illness

Narcissistic personality disorder is a spiritual illness that leaves a person with a fragmented self. They (unconsciously) cut off their true self, leaving them with only their ego in control.

Without access to their true self, they lose the ability to give or receive empathy, kindness, compassion, and unconditional love.

Lacking a conscience, they have no choice but to constantly feed their ego to find some relief from the immense emptiness that weighs them down—an emptiness that can never be filled.

To feed his ego, he needs constant attention and acceptance, manifested in sex, money, material possessions, status, and admiration of all kinds. To cope with the overwhelming sense of unworthiness and shame that plagues the narcissist, he creates a false self to compensate for his excessive needs and obtain the resources necessary for his survival.

What ensnares people is the narcissist’s charming, deceptive, and manipulative persona. The narcissist is adept at adopting the personas he needs, solely to get what he wants and derive the gratification of his narcissistic desires.

It is crucial to understand this…

The narcissist will not change because (without intensive, lifelong psychotherapy) he is incapable of change.

Are you dating a narcissist?

Are you wondering whether the attractive new person you’re dating is a narcissist? Unfortunately, they can be difficult to spot at first, especially if you’re unfamiliar with narcissism and its characteristics.

Let’s look at some warning signs to watch out for when dating, to make sure you don’t unwittingly fall into a narcissist’s trap.

They move too fast.

The first stage in any narcissistic relationship is “love bombing.” In this stage, the narcissist goes overboard in showing their affection and love. They might be extravagant with gifts, dinners, outings, flowers, and other displays of material generosity.

As for the subtle narcissist, who doesn’t have the same arrogant confidence or charisma as the overt narcissist, they might shower you with time and attention.

They’ll sit and listen to you for hours, and you’ll think, “This person really understands me.” They’ll make you feel more seen, heard, and understood than ever before.

Meanwhile, during the “love bombardment” phase, the narcissist studies you and gathers all your information. They “buy” your loyalty and trust as you reveal your deepest hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities—all to use against you later.

Dating someone who rushes into a relationship with you is one of the biggest warning signs I can give you!

It takes months, even years, to truly get to know someone. Narcissists will quickly try to gain your trust, categorize the relationship, move in together, and even share finances before you have a chance to understand them.

They’ll promise you a bright future, claim you’re soulmates, and that it’s meant to be! You’re overjoyed to have finally found your partner and ignore all the warning signs going off inside.

Over emphasis On Appearances

Narcissists base a large part of their self-worth on how they look to others. They are excessively concerned with their appearance, their clothes, the type of car they drive, and even the neighborhood they live in. With their inflated sense of self, they believe they deserve the best simply because they are superior to others.

Besides their looks, they’ll want a partner who looks good beside them. Because people are extensions of themselves, narcissists place great importance on their partners’ appearance, seeing everything as a reflection of their own looks.

It’s All About Them

Narcissists are extremely self-absorbed. They believe they are special, even godlike, meaning they deserve constant adulation and worship from those around them. Their world revolves around them, and if you’re dating a narcissist, it won’t take long to notice.

You’ll notice that conversations always revolve around them—what they’re doing, how successful they are at work, their future plans, and their problems (which are always created by others).

If you notice that communication is mostly one-sided and that they don’t show the same level of interest in you and your life, this is a clear warning sign.

Subtle Insults

To stay at the top of the social hierarchy, a narcissist needs to gradually undermine their partner’s self-confidence. This can happen slowly and subtly, and may sometimes even appear as a joke (especially at the beginning).

The idea is that they want their partner to feel worthless without them. This way, the partner is less likely to leave, meaning they remain a source of gratification for the narcissist. Of course, this continues until the narcissist has finished with their partner, then discards them and replaces them with someone who offers them “more.”

If you feel that the person you’re dating is belittling you in any way, especially if it’s indirect, this is a clear warning sign that you should run! A respectable person wouldn’t belittle you.

Manipulation

A narcissist needs to control everything. Control gives them a sense of power, and it also alleviates their anxiety about not being able to satisfy their ego.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you might notice them persuading you to eat at their favorite restaurant, or even pushing their boundaries in the bedroom. They might suddenly appear and take you on an adventure, even though you’ve asked for a quiet day at home. All of this might seem exciting and liberated at first, but in reality, they’re trying to manipulate you into doing what they want.

They’re also testing you to see how easily you’ll let them cross your boundaries. In other words, will you be an easy and flexible source of gratification for their desires?

They Lack Empathy

As we mentioned at the beginning of this article, narcissists lack empathy. They may feign it when needed, especially during the initial stages of excessive pampering, but it’s not genuine empathy.

It’s easy to assume that narcissists are empathetic when they talk about their pain or sadness over their personal problems, but pay close attention to see if this apparent empathy extends to anyone else.

Do they show you empathy when you need it? Do they offer emotional support when you need it, or do they ignore you and withdraw?

If the narcissist isn’t empathetic and emotionally available to you in return, listen to your body’s warning signs. Our bodies have an amazing ability to alert us to warning signals, if we pay attention to them.

Affection Dry

While the narcissist showered you with love at the beginning, it seems that this love has suddenly faded.

It might be easy to dismiss this, thinking, “Well, it seems the honeymoon period is over.” But with many narcissists, affection will never return, except on rare occasions when they need it for manipulative purposes.

Once they’ve ensnared you, they’ll withhold love and affection as a means of control. This leaves you constantly waiting and hoping for some intimacy, which you know they’re capable of because they initially showed it.

Withholding affection as a “punishment,” then returning it intermittently and randomly as a “reward,” creates and reinforces a trauma bond. Your body learns that the narcissist is the source of comfort, a feeling reflected in the release of dopamine and serotonin during those moments.

What’s troubling is that the narcissist desensitizes you to them as the source of “comfort,” even though they’re the very ones who make you feel “uncomfortable” in the first place.

If affection dries up with the person you’re dating, they might not be a narcissist, but this is a common behavior among narcissists. Ultimately, you deserve to be with someone capable of reciprocating affection. If you are satisfied with someone who is incapable of giving that, then you are facing a clear warning sign.

Their ex-spouses are either mentally unstable or still “friends” with them.

Narcissists are supply-conscious, aren’t they? So, if they can keep their ex-spouses around for future supply opportunities, they will. If you feel uneasy because the person you’re dating is still friends with their ex-spouse or several ex-spouses, your intuition might be telling you there’s more to it than meets the eye.

Narcissists are known for cheating and lying, so they might get back with their ex-spouses for sex, money, a place to sleep, etc., whenever it suits them.

If a narcissist tells you they’re still talking to their ex-spouse, but “don’t worry, we’re just friends,” they’re using this person to manipulate you.

In other words, they’re making you feel insecure in your relationship because of this third party. This is intentional on their part because they want to keep you insecure and under their control.

On the other hand, if a narcissist claims that all their ex-partners were psychopaths, you might need to look for common ground. Perhaps they were all wonderful people who were deceived by the narcissist. Instead of reflecting on their own behavior, the narcissist will automatically reverse the narrative and discredit all their ex-partners, labeling them as psychopaths.

Not everyone who has dated a psychopathic ex is a narcissist. In fact, anyone who has dated a narcissist likely had a psychopathic ex-partner. However, it’s important to keep this in mind when dating.

What to Expect After Dating a Narcissist – The Downside

You Are Emotionally Dependent

Narcissists are attracted to emotionally dependent people just as much as those people are attracted to narcissists.

People with emotional dependency often grew up in a family environment characterized by narcissism, an inability to provide emotional support, abuse, or abandonment.

The child did not experience unconditional love and acceptance from caregivers; rather, it was conditional on what they did or did not do. Therefore, they learned that to receive the love and acceptance every child needs for healthy development, they had to ignore their own needs and prioritize the abusive, avoidant, or absent caregiver.

As a result, the child grew up to be an overly devoted and generous individual, subconsciously feeling the need to do everything possible to gain love, appreciation, and acceptance.

Then there is the narcissist who has an unhealthy view of himself, always placing himself above others, without exception.

You can easily observe how easily a relationship develops between someone with extreme dependency and a narcissist by observing their unconscious behaviors and patterns.

One thing to expect after dating a narcissist is that they will amplify your existing dependency traits. Or, if you didn’t have them before, you will become them once they’re done with you!

The narcissist will belittle you, manipulate you psychologically, and exploit you to undermine your self-confidence and sense of self-worth to the point where you feel you can’t live without them.

This keeps you trapped in a cycle of needing them for love, acceptance, and validation.

The truth is, you never needed them for any of these things; you can achieve them yourself. In fact, it was the narcissist who needed you precisely because they couldn’t access these things. But they never wanted you to discover it!

This entire distorted reality created by the narcissist is completely false, and we will discuss this in more detail later.

You Are Encouraging Abuse

Ultimately, staying with a narcissist and allowing their behavior is encouraging their abuse. I know this is a bitter pill to swallow.

I know from personal experience that people were shocked when I left my covert narcissist husband after 20 years of marriage. Why were they surprised? Because I never spoke up about his abusive behavior. Deep down, I knew that staying with him was condoning his behavior, but I didn’t know how to break free.

So, I stayed silent and pretended to be happy. I stayed and contributed to the continuation of the abuse, which had devastating consequences for me.

Often, I found myself justifying his behavior to myself, the children, and others, just to avoid what was actually happening.

The truth is, when we condone someone else’s bad behavior, we don’t do them any good. We allow them to continue acting badly and deprive them of the opportunity to take responsibility for themselves and grow as a result.

I know what you’re thinking—a narcissist will never take responsibility! You’re absolutely right, they never will, and that’s their responsibility. But at least by rejecting his behavior and reclaiming your self-confidence and strength, you’re removing yourself from his cycle of abuse.

Isolation

Another thing you can expect after dating a narcissist is that you may begin to feel isolated. Narcissists will actively and subtly try to turn you against certain friends and family members they perceive as a threat.

A narcissist doesn’t want you to talk to others about the relationship, fearing they will notice their manipulative behavior that you either ignore or don’t see yourself.

They will speak negatively about others in your life to turn you against them and change your perspective. They may also become angry or jealous when you meet with friends or visit family.

A narcissist needs to be the center of your life. They want you to be completely dependent on them so they can control everything as they please.

Trust Problems

After dating a narcissist, your perspective on others will change forever. The more you learn about their true nature (rather than the image they project), the more you’ll realize how dangerous it is to trust people so easily.

Your boundaries will undoubtedly be higher than the Great Wall of China as you strive to protect yourself from deceitful people in the future.

You’ll find yourself asking, “How can I ever trust anyone again?”

But most importantly, you’ve lost your self-confidence.

“How could I not have noticed the warning signs? Why did I keep making excuses for their behavior instead of walking away from them immediately?”

Losing confidence in your own judgment is one of the hardest things to bear. If this lack of confidence is severe, you’ll likely find yourself avoiding future relationships, fearing you’ll miss the signs and fall for another narcissist.

However, it’s important to be kind to yourself. You’re a good-hearted and compassionate person, but you fell victim to a con artist.

It wasn’t a lack of intelligence that ensnared you in his toxic web, but rather your own insecurity and inner wounds. In those early days, the narcissist learned what triggered you on your deepest emotional level. And without your knowledge, he used those things against you.

The secret to not falling in love with another narcissist isn’t living surrounded by high walls and insecurity, but rather healing your wounds and growing stronger. I know this isn’t easy, and honestly, I’m still living surrounded by walls higher than I’d like them to be, while I learn to trust myself again.

Low Self Esteem

All those hurtful words the narcissist hurled at you during the dating process and throughout the subsequent relationship have become ingrained in you. Over time, they’ve programmed you to feel inferior, which is heartbreaking.

You wonder if you deserve a truly honest and loving partner. You look in the mirror and you don’t like what you see.

“If only I could take a little away from here and add a little from there… then I’d be worthy.”

You might feel like you’re doomed to eternal suffering, that you’ll never be able to live the life you desire. You might think you have to settle for what’s available, because it’s the best you can expect.

All these thoughts and beliefs lead to a life of inadequacy, stemming from low self-esteem. The narcissist constantly made you feel inadequate, and over time, you started to believe it completely.

Not only did they make you feel inadequate, but they also made you feel bad when you achieved success! When you looked good, were successful, and acted confidently, they made you feel so ashamed of yourself that you lost your sparkle.

One thing to expect after dating a narcissist is that they might completely change you and destroy your self-confidence.

Rebuilding yourself and reconnecting with your true self after a relationship with a narcissist is crucial. However, it requires immense self-care and ongoing healing, so be patient.

You lose your self-confidence and doubt your abilities

Throughout the relationship, the narcissist makes you feel inadequate and that you never make the right decisions. Because you don’t know how he’ll react, you find yourself in a constant state of anticipation, hoping he won’t explode at any moment.

This constant state of hypervigilance makes you constantly question your decisions because you never know what the consequences will be.

You’ll find yourself delegating most decisions to the narcissist so you don’t have to bear the responsibility for any choice.

“You’re in trouble whether you do it or not.”

It can be something as simple as choosing a restaurant for dinner. Let’s say you decide to order Chinese food—if it takes too long to cook or doesn’t taste up to the narcissist’s expectations, you’ll be blamed for your choice.

One of the most difficult situations for me was while driving. If I was late getting out on the street, I’d hear, “What are you waiting for? An invitation?!” But when I drove confidently, I’d hear, “Wow, how do you still have a driver’s license?”

You can’t win with a narcissist, and their negative, aggressive comments will only reinforce the idea that you’re incompetent.

After dating a narcissist, you’ll constantly doubt yourself and lose confidence in even the simplest decisions in your life.

Once the narcissist leaves your life, you’ll gradually feel a freedom that allows you to make your own decisions with confidence. There will be no one to put you down or question your abilities.

Your Boundaries Are Weak

Narcissists hate boundaries. Frankly, they don’t believe any boundaries should apply to them. If they feel they are the center of the universe because of their sense of superiority, why should they abide by the boundaries of ordinary people?

When you date a narcissist, they will start crossing your boundaries from day one, and you will gradually continue to compromise them.

These things may seem trivial at first, and you may think they aren’t that important.

But over time, it becomes expected that the narcissist will say or do whatever they want, and that you will accept it. Otherwise, prepare for anger, psychological manipulation, and blaming others until they exhaust you, and then they will eventually get what they want.

You will learn that giving up is easier than trying to win a losing battle.

Look Away From Your Identity

The narcissist was never interested in knowing or appreciating who you truly are. All he wanted was the key to your wounds and fears, to feed on them and drain your energy. Moreover, this kept you dependent on him; he knew how to exploit your pain against you.

Ultimately, the narcissist wants you to be available to him, to give him his life force, to be the person he wants you to be.

He will resort to psychological manipulation to distort your memories and perspectives. He aims to control your every move, so you are always at his service, not the other way around.

Over time, you begin to lose your sense of self. The narcissist has denied so much of your reality over time that you eventually lose track of who you are.

You’re suffering from complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CTSD)

C-PTSD is a condition that develops after prolonged and repeated trauma, such as abuse by a narcissist.

When you constantly live in a state of high alert, your nervous system becomes severely overworked. This state is meant to be used only briefly as a way to escape danger and reach safety.

After being in a relationship with a narcissist, you can expect to live a life full of risks. You constantly try to avoid these hidden dangers, hoping they won’t suddenly erupt.

Your Fear of What a Narcissist Might Say or Do

One of the worst consequences of dating a narcissist is the fear that follows. Narcissists frequently use fear and guilt to manipulate and control you.

Unfortunately, the end of a relationship with a narcissist is often not the end. If you can block and remove them from your life, do so as soon as possible.

If your relationship continues after a breakup, they will say and do everything they can to crush you. If you have shared property or children, they will consider themselves entitled to take everything without any regard for you.

If you have to work with a narcissist or have mutual friends, they will smear your reputation in front of everyone, just to gain complete control. Be absolutely certain they will portray themselves as the poor victim of your abuse (instead of the truth, which is quite the opposite).

The fear of a narcissist returning, or the fear of what they might say or do, is a major concern for many in this community.

If you need help from mental health professionals, don’t hesitate to seek it, because narcissists are often capable of anything.

When it comes to dealing with fear, the best way to confront it is to focus on yourself and address your vulnerabilities, thus depriving the narcissist of any opportunity to influence you. Trying to confront them in the outside world will do you more harm than good. They will seek to destroy you, causing you even more pain and suffering.

You’re constantly attracting narcissists

After all, if you grew up with a narcissist and/or were in a relationship with one, you’re more likely to continue dating narcissists.

We often subconsciously gravitate towards the familiar because it’s less frightening than the unknown.

You might meet someone new and think they’re completely different and not a narcissist at all, only to discover their true nature later. If you tell someone everything about your past relationship with a narcissist at the beginning of the relationship, the next narcissist will make you believe otherwise.