Overdependent people and narcissists are drawn to each other like moths to a flame. It’s no coincidence that these two extremes are so often found together.
As with everything, it’s all about energy. Both overdependent and narcissistic individuals seek someone else outside themselves to fill a void.
The fundamental difference between them is that overdependents tend to over-give, while narcissists tend to take. This means the dynamic of the relationship will inevitably be toxic.
Let’s explore why overdependents are attracted to narcissists like a magnet.
Why are overdependents attracted to narcissists?
Who is an overdependent person?
Unconsciously, overdependent people seek validation and a sense of self-worth by feeling needed by others. This is what makes them over-give, always putting the needs of others before their own. They may even go so far as to absorb the negative energy of others, because they are programmed to feel that other people’s problems are their responsibility.
Who Is A Narcissist?
Narcissists also seek validation from others, but for a completely different reason. They have an inflated and unhealthy sense of self-importance, to the point that they constantly need the attention of others to support this false illusion.
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Their sense of entitlement and their expectation to be treated like gods make them domineering. They actively exploit and manipulate others, feeling entitled to project their repressed wounds onto them.
Interdependent_vs_Narcissism
People with interdependent tend to have low self-esteem and seek security, survival, love, and validation outside themselves. This unconscious pattern often stems from their upbringing.
They didn’t experience the security that ensured all their needs (emotional and/or physical) were consistently met. Often, they had to prioritize the needs of their caregivers before their own. This made their survival highly dependent on the moods and behaviors of their caregivers.
Those who are not interdependent have much stronger self-esteem and are less likely to fall prey to manipulators or narcissists. Because they are the source of their own self-esteem and validation, they don’t seek these things in others. They typically grew up in healthy and supportive childhood environments, which helped them naturally establish healthy boundaries.
Narcissists target people who are accustomed to surrendering control to others because they are much easier to manipulate, exploit, and abuse.
People with dependency issues, who lack the ability to set effective boundaries, are easy targets for narcissists.
Narcissists Deliberately Exploit Wounds
For a narcissist, the most effective way to infiltrate someone and easily access their vital energy is to target their vulnerabilities.
The narcissist deliberately seeks out the deepest wounds of the dependent person and violently reopens them. The narcissist aims to extract these strong emotions and reactions because this is how they unwittingly relinquish an enormous amount of power.
This makes the narcissist feel exceptionally powerful, important, and superior. Meanwhile, while clinging to the dependent person, they drain their vital energy directly into their own inner emptiness.
This provides them with temporary relief from the constant feelings of shame, disgust, and self-loathing that always simmer beneath the surface.
Narcissists are addicted to energy, constantly searching for their next fix, which is why they often seem to derive satisfaction from hurting others—because they really do!
How does a narcissist discover other people’s wounds?
Initially, when a narcissist gets to know a dependent person, they are actually studying them and gathering information about them.
The goal of the adoration phase (the “love bombardment”) is to lure the dependent person in and gain their trust very quickly. The narcissist reflects back to them the image they desperately crave.
Through the powerful “soulmate” effect, the dependent person feels emotionally as though they have finally found the person they have been searching for their entire life. This makes them easily open up to the narcissist and share their deepest secrets.
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From the very beginning, the narcissist manipulates the emotionally dependent person into giving away their valuable information and resources without their knowledge.
Individuals with high self-esteem, on the other hand, don’t seek love, appreciation, or security from someone else. They understand that getting to know someone properly is a long process that cannot be rushed. Therefore, they won’t allow the narcissist to push their boundaries by accelerating things, because they will sense that the narcissist is not proceeding at a healthy pace.
Emotionally dependent people are the complete opposite.
They crave someone to provide them with everything they have longed for their entire lives.
They welcome the narcissist with open arms, elevating them to the status of a savior. The narcissist, in turn, rubs their hands with glee and promises them everything they desire. The narcissist knows that all it takes is the right words to control the dependent person.
Once a narcissist succeeds in gaining the trust of their dependent person, they begin to reveal a hidden side of their personality, thus setting in motion a cycle of abuse.
The first subtle signs include passive-aggressive behavior and belittling the person disguised as “joking.” Over time, the narcissist works to undermine the dependent person’s self-confidence, using them as a scapegoat for all their repressed emotional wounds.
The dependent person, pre-programmed to bear the burdens of others, willingly takes on the narcissist’s problems, even internalizing many of them.
The narcissist stores all the information they gather about the dependent person to use against them later.
In this way, the narcissist can quickly and skillfully reopen the dependent person’s wounds and drain their vital energy (through violent reactions). This also reinforces the narcissist’s delusion of being a powerful and superior being.
The more the dependent person’s self-esteem diminishes as a result of the abuse, the more powerful the narcissist becomes. This, in turn, reduces the dependent person’s ability to let go of the narcissist, which is one of their biggest fears.
Breaking The Cycle Of Emotional Dependence And Narcissism
Anyone who has been a victim of a narcissist will tell you how adept they are at keeping you in a state of suspended animation. This animation makes it nearly impossible to see beyond the narcissist’s fantasy world, or even to realize you are being abused.
Narcissistic abuse keeps the dependent person in a constant state of anxiety, barely able to manage their daily life.
The most soul-crushing aspect of a relationship with a narcissist is the psychological bond that forms. This happens so slowly over time that the dependent person is often unaware of it. Most victims of narcissistic abuse only become aware of these psychological bonds after the relationship has ended.
The implicit programming is that the dependent person is forced to conform to the narcissist’s fabricated reality… or else…
Over time, the emotionally dependent person, without even realizing it, enters the narcissist’s fantasy world and ends up believing it just as much as the narcissist does.
The only way to live in the narcissist’s world is to enter their fantasy world.
Breaking free from the narcissist’s illusion becomes increasingly difficult the longer you remain trapped in it. A dependent person’s chances of recovery increase if they are surrounded by supportive individuals who can expose the narcissist’s deception. This is provided they can speak openly and honestly with these people, rather than covering up for the narcissist, a common and painful practice.
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The primary reason narcissists isolate their victims from their support network is their awareness that others can quickly become enemies of their illusion.
For those unprepared to confront the truth, this toxic cycle will persist, whether with this particular narcissist or others.
When a dependent person is spiritually ready, they will begin to recognize the narcissist’s manipulations.
The next step in their journey is to reclaim their power and become their own source of security, survival, love, and self-worth. Healing their wounds and relinquishing control to external sources is the path to freedom.
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a long journey, so give yourself all the time, space, and self-care you need. From my personal experience, releasing the trauma from my energetic body was the only true way I was able to overcome complex post-traumatic stress disorder. If this resonates with you, you’ll find more information in the box below.
