Toxic and abusive relationships are incredibly complex, with narcissistic attachment stemming from trauma being a key element in keeping someone trapped in the relationship.
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, your mind can’t grasp that the person who’s supposed to love you is actually abusing you. Narcissists are masters of manipulation, employing meticulously systematic methods to lure their victims.
But when we’re honest with ourselves, we can acknowledge that things weren’t right, and that we often masked or justified the narcissist’s cruel and abusive behavior. Because if we admitted this to ourselves, the idealized image we had of the person we needed, and everything associated with that life, would be shattered.
I will never again look from the outside at any toxic relationship and wonder, “Why do they stay with someone who treats them so cruelly?”
What does a traumatic relationship with a narcissist look like? To understand this, we need to examine what a traumatic relationship with a narcissist is and how it unfolds through seven stages.
What Does A Traumatic Relationship With A Ncercissist Look Like?
Explaining the Trauma Relationship with a Narcissist
The trauma relationship with a narcissist is the emotional attachment, even loyalty, that a victim of abuse feels to their abuser. This relationship is formed through a recurring cycle of abuse, where the abuser becomes the victim’s sole source of security and self-affirmation.
This relationship is created and reinforced through intermittent punishments, supplemented by rewards. This psychologically reinforces the idea that the abuser is the one who can alleviate the victim’s pain, despair, and anxiety, even though the narcissist is the primary cause of the pain.
In short, the narcissist will resort to violence against you in one way or another. This might be through anger and belittling you, or they might manipulate you psychologically and trap you in a spiral of vague statements, making you question your own reality.
Related : 4 Stages of Narcissistic Abuse + Cycle Chart
They are adept at making you feel compelled to defend yourself against their accusations of things you are certain you did not say or do.
Then they will feel the need to punish you for insulting them in whatever way they perceive it. This might involve complete neglect, withholding money, time, or affection. It could even escalate to physical abuse—whatever they believe will deeply hurt you.
At this stage, you feel utterly broken and shattered. You don’t understand how things went from good to bad so quickly, and pain, sadness, and anxiety gnaw at you.
Then, after a while, the narcissist will reward you for your submission. Perhaps you apologize (even though you weren’t at fault in the first place) or give in to their demands. Or perhaps they feel you’ve “learned your lesson” after a sufficient period of punishment.
The reward might be them coming back to you as if nothing happened. Even though the problem hasn’t been discussed or resolved, you feel so relieved that everything is fine, to the point of euphoria.
They might reward you with flowers, dinner, compliments, or affection (which you desperately crave and miss in a relationship with a narcissist).
Please note that being treated as an equal partner with respect, honesty, and care is not a “reward” or something you feel lucky to receive occasionally. It’s the most basic foundation of any healthy relationship.
In short, through their seemingly spontaneous acts of kindness, the narcissist tries to convince you that their abusive behavior will stop and they won’t repeat it. If you were honest with yourself and logical, you’d realize that it’s highly unlikely they would suddenly stop treating you this way after all those months, years, or even decades.
But because the narcissist has shown you that they can be “nice,” you cling to the hope that they will change. You’re clinging to the person they were at the beginning of the relationship.
At this stage, you may not yet realize that you’re caught in a cycle of abuse, and that the person they were at the beginning was nothing more than a perfect manipulation to gain your trust and ensnare you.
They were never the real person, and in fact, they’re not a nice person at all.
A narcissist isn’t a “nice” person who abuses you “sometimes.” They’re an abuser who may occasionally feign “nice” qualities.
As you can see, we often fall into the trap of believing that the narcissist doesn’t mean to hurt, that it all happens unconsciously.
But think about this: If a narcissist is charming, sociable, and friendly in public, then transforms into an angry monster the moment you get home (where no one is there to witness it)—is that spontaneous, unconscious behavior, or is it meticulously planned and executed?
Signs You May Be in a Traumatic Relationship with a Narcissist
Here are some common behaviors that people in abusive relationships with narcissists often exhibit. When you are honest with yourself and acknowledge the painful truths (that you know deep down), you can take the first step toward breaking free from the abuse.
Signs of a Traumatic Relationship:
Justifying the abuser’s behavior
Lying and covering up the abuser’s horrific actions
Justifying the abuse based on the abuser’s childhood or painful past
Feeling uncomfortable with the situation, perhaps not wanting the person anymore, and feeling powerless to leave
Feeling that your life will be ruined if you leave
Believing that the abuse is somehow your fault
Feeling that this type of relationship is all you deserve
Feeling overly excited about even the smallest amount of affection the narcissist offers
Having friends or family who have tried to alert you to toxic behaviors they’ve witnessed
Minimizing things others notice as abuse
Forgetting the abuse quickly once things return to normal
Feeling that the abuser may be mean, cruel, and destructive “sometimes,” but choosing to focus on their positive qualities instead
Feeling that the relationship is like a rollercoaster ride—one minute it’s calm and beautiful, the next it’s turned upside down
Always walking on eggshells, being careful not to make a fuss about getting rid of the abuser
from Who are most vulnerable to the trauma of narcissistic attachment?
People who grew up in an environment where love was conditional on their behavior, achieving specific goals, and fulfilling the expectations of their caregivers are more likely to fall into narcissistic relationships.
Those who depend on others for security, protection, love, and acceptance are more susceptible to narcissistic abuse.
Dependents are often overly generous because they learned early on that their survival requires them to care for others at their own expense.
Because narcissists are inherently utilitarian, they drain every drop of energy from their dependents and then demand more.
Related : 10 Types of Narcissists Explained
A narcissist is incapable of generating their own love and has no desire to do so. Any “love” a narcissist shows you is simply your life force, which they have drained and will gradually return to you, just to keep you attached.
Therefore, narcissists are attracted to vulnerable, at-risk individuals who are already willing to relinquish their power to others.
People most vulnerable to narcissistic abuse:
Dependent and overly generous people
Children of narcissists
People who grew up in an abusive environment
People who lack support
People with low self-esteem
People who haven’t experienced unconditional love and healthy relationships
7 Stages of Painful Narcissistic Attachment
So, what does painful attachment with a narcissist look like? In addition to the basic intermittent reinforcement, there are seven known stages of painful narcissistic attachment, which make up the complete cycle of abuse.
Stage 1: Love Bombardment
The first stage with any narcissist is the stage of adoration, or what is known as “love bombardment.” In this stage, the narcissist will shower you with praise, gifts, and attention to win your affection and make you a new source of gratification.
They will literally make you feel like the most important person in the world, and you will find yourself thinking, “Wow, this person really understands me. This relationship must be meant to be.”
You will feel so loved and appreciated that you will believe this relationship is deep and genuine.
During the love bombardment stage, the narcissist studies you closely to understand what motivates you. This can easily be disguised as generosity and concern, while they learn all your hopes, dreams, fears, and vulnerabilities.
This is a crucial stage for gathering information, which the narcissist will later use against you.
Stage Two: Trust and Dependence
The next step is for the narcissist to gain your complete trust, making you heavily dependent on them.
Here, they will do things for you to earn your trust. They might help you move to a new house or be there for you when no one else is available. They will listen to you as you pour out your deepest wounds and become the friend you’ve always longed for.
They will be there to meet all your needs, building trust with you every step of the way. You will begin to feel that you can truly rely on them, and because they have only shown you love, care, and affection, it will seem perfectly natural.
Up to this point, the narcissist has provided you with all the appreciation and attention you’ve been seeking, so you’ve started to depend on them for it.
Stage Three: Criticism
As time passes and the relationship develops, the love and appreciation they previously showed you will begin to diminish. Furthermore, criticism and belittling will start to creep in.
You’ll think this is the natural next step after the honeymoon period, as you get to know each other more deeply.
No problem, right?
The narcissist will start to become demanding, negatively aggressive, and even blame you for things you didn’t say or do.
Stage Four: Psychological Manipulation
When things go wrong or you question the narcissist’s words or actions, they’ll resort to psychological manipulation. They’ll draw you into confusing arguments that shift rapidly and seem to absolve the narcissist of responsibility while placing the blame on you.
They’ll cleverly convince you that your thoughts and feelings are wrong, distorting your perception of reality to serve their own interests. Now, it’s all your fault.
Stage Five: Surrender
By this stage, you’re completely exhausted. You try to talk to the narcissist calmly and clearly to resolve the issues, but you always end up in confusing arguments.
You convince yourself, “No relationship is perfect; they all have problems. I just need to make some compromises.”
Related : 12 Traits of a Narcissist (A Destructive Fantasy)
So, you resign yourself to the fact that maybe if you please the narcissist and do what they want, you can return to that early stage, filled with love, affection, and good times.
Stage Six: Loss of Self
Unfortunately, you will never return to that wonderful early stage.
Now, every time you stand up for yourself or confront the narcissist’s hateful behavior, the situation only gets worse.
They project everything they do onto you and then blame you for those same actions. They will try to manipulate you psychologically to change your narrative and create immense confusion.
You have given up trying to recapture those happy early days of the relationship, and now all that matters to you is surviving day by day and maintaining peace.
Your self-confidence and self-esteem are completely shattered.
Stage Seven: Addiction
In this stage, you live in a constant state of stress and anxiety. You never know when a narcissist will explode in anger, create a problem, or expect you to solve all their problems and be an inexhaustible source of energy for them to feed on.
You only feel comfortable now when things are going well, or when the narcissist occasionally gives you a glimmer of appreciation—both of which are completely under their control.
You become psychologically and physically addicted to their fluctuating emotions.
You become entirely dependent on the narcissist for comfort and appreciation, just like a drug addict. This person is now your world, and you can’t escape them.
How to break free from a painful narcissist attachment?
Although breaking free from a painful narcissist attachment may seem impossible, I assure you from my own experience that it is absolutely possible!
Having grown up as a scapegoat for my narcissistic mother, and then spending the next 20 years married to a narcissistic husband, I literally lived my entire life under the weight of narcissistic abuse.
Yet here I am, having overcome all of that, completely free from narcissists, and healing and thriving day by day.
So, let’s look at how to break the trauma bond.
Acknowledgement
The most important step in breaking the trauma bond is acknowledging it.
When we’re stuck in the trauma bond, it’s difficult to see anything beyond what’s happening in our immediate world. While we may feel bad and confused most of the time, we also realize that things aren’t right, and that we’re not living the life we truly want.
Only when we’re ready to be completely honest with ourselves can we acknowledge the abuse and abusive behavior for what they are.
We’ll begin by realizing that while someone’s trauma or difficult childhood may explain their behavior, it in no way justifies their abuse of others.
Acknowledging the abuse is the first step toward liberation.
Cut Off Or Limited Contact
If you can cut off contact with the narcissist immediately, I strongly recommend doing so. This means preventing them from contacting you in any way and not opening the door to them if they appear.
While this will be a difficult period, as narcissists don’t like being ignored or abandoned, it’s important to stand your ground and not give in.
They will likely react with intense anger, so it’s worth not engaging with them.
If you can’t cut off contact completely due to children, shared property, family, or a business, the best option is limited contact.
In this case, only contact them for essential matters related to your shared business. Minimize contact as much as possible, and opt for written communication whenever possible (in case you need legal documentation later).
If you are still living with the narcissist and need to leave, protect yourself and don’t tell them about your plans. Set aside some money and secretly arrange your accommodation. Once you’re safely out, you can tell the narcissist the simplest truths. Don’t give them any information they don’t need to know.
I made this mistake. I told my narcissistic ex-boyfriend that I was done with the relationship and leaving, but I hadn’t found anywhere else to live yet. Suffice it to say, it was the worst two months of my life, filled with suicide threats, psychological manipulation, fake tears, and neglect.
You can’t heal in the same place where you’re being abused.
Return To Yourself
The most important step to breaking free from the influence of narcissism is returning to yourself and reconnecting with who you are.
During the abuse, you couldn’t get any further away from your true self, even if you tried, and that’s exactly what the narcissist wanted!
Your priority now is self-care and self-love—learn to love and accept yourself just as you are. It’s about meeting your inner child, embracing them warmly, and telling them you’ll never let them go.
It’s about seeing and letting go of every trauma within you—the traumas that have programmed you to believe you need to seek love, security, and acceptance from an external source.
Once you honestly do the inner work and begin to heal yourself, you won’t unconsciously surrender your power to anyone else. You’ll never again tolerate unhealthy, toxic behaviors in your life.
You’ll be in a state of serenity and awe that will make narcissists tremble, because it’s filled with a light that doesn’t suit their dark souls.
I truly hope that now that you know what a traumatic relationship with a narcissist is like, you’re able to break free. Now is the time to embark on the journey toward the life you truly deserve and want to live.
