One of the most prominent traits of narcissism is control. Narcissists feel an overwhelming urge to control not only the world around them, but everyone in it. Their control over everyone and everything inflates their ego, provides them with gratification, and reinforces their belief in their superiority.

Unfortunately for narcissists, many people don’t like being controlled. Narcissists may manipulate and play games for a while, but when their victim reaches the point of no return, things start to deteriorate drastically.

So, what are the expected reactions when a narcissist loses control over you or the situation? They will undoubtedly resort to psychological manipulation, anger, coercion, and other manipulative tactics.

Narcissists are not known for backing down or admitting defeat. Instead, they will play harder and employ even dirtier tactics than their opponent until they win or their opponent withdraws from the game.

Why do narcissists need control?

To understand why narcissists are prone to control, it’s crucial to understand their true nature, hidden behind their mask.

Due to childhood trauma, narcissists often feel utterly worthless, rejected, and filled with shame. Interestingly, shame is one of the lowest emotions we can experience as human beings, and it thrives on suppression.

As a result of these deep and painful feelings stemming from their inner wounds, narcissists unconsciously decide from a young age that they don’t want to feel those emotions at all costs.

To avoid reliving their trauma, narcissists sever their connection with their true selves. The existence of their true selves is what compels them to feel all their emotions. Thus, by denying that part of themselves, they are able to navigate life without (in their view) having to experience the deep human emotions that make them feel vulnerable and fragile.

When a narcissist abandons their true self, they lose the capacity for empathy, compassion, kindness, and genuine love forever.

With their true self gone, all that remains is their ego, which reigns supreme—a false self, or a “non-self.”

Their ego becomes their master, and it is not a merciful master.

Ego represents the basest aspects, the survival instincts, of human experience. Competition, manipulation, coercion, control, greed, and power are all part of the ego’s modus operandi.

But here’s a crucial piece of the puzzle: for ego to survive and thrive, it needs nourishment. It needs attention and admiration to constantly reaffirm its superiority, distinction, and power. This is what’s known as narcissistic sustenance, and it is, in fact, vital energy.

So what happens if the narcissist doesn’t get enough gratification, and their ego begins to dwindle?

What remains within the narcissist is a vast emptiness where their true self once resided. In this vast emptiness lies the deepest self-loathing, self-hatred, and utter sense of unworthiness. If the narcissist lacks this gratification, they will begin to feel themselves slipping into that state and will do anything to avoid it.

The most effective way for a narcissist to escape their reality is to control and manipulate others to secure the greatest possible narcissistic gratification. They are like a drug addict constantly searching for their next fix.

For the narcissist, being alone is worse than death.

To cope with the spiral of shame, self-hatred, and worthlessness, the narcissist compensates by creating a false facade, which they present to the world as “their self.”

The core idea behind this false self is a sense of superiority. The distorted reality created by the narcissist makes them genuinely believe they are a divine being. They see the entire world revolving around them and feel accountable to no one, believing that no one or anything is above them.

Because of their sense of entitlement and superiority, narcissists believe they deserve to be worshipped and venerated, while everyone around them is merely a tool to be used and abused as they please.

We hope this perspective on narcissism helps you understand why narcissists resort to any means to regain control when they lose it.

How Do Narcissists Control You?

To understand what happens when a narcissist loses control, it’s important to understand how they exert power over others through insidious means.

Narcissists use a variety of manipulative techniques to control those around them, both overtly and covertly. Many of these techniques can be so subtle that you don’t even realize they’re being used, even when you’re caught in a whirlwind of problems.

Being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist is like being trapped in a thick fog with no way out. Clarity and understanding usually only come after the relationship ends, which can be devastating, causing shock, anger, and heartbreak.

Let’s take a look at how narcissists subtly and deliberately control others.

Projection

A big part of how narcissists avoid responsibility is by projecting their actions onto you.

Have you ever been in a discussion or argument with a narcissist and they shout:

“Stop yelling!”

“Oh my god, it’s all about you, isn’t it?”

“I know you’re cheating on me.” “You’re not listening to a word I’m saying.”

Your reaction is to stand there completely stunned, because they’ve simply blamed you for the very things they do. You try to defend yourself and argue with them, but it’s no use. They only become more entrenched in their accusations, and the discussion spirals out of control.

Here’s what actually happens when a narcissist projects their flaws onto you and blames you.

Either you confronted them about their behavior, or something has reopened a deep wound within them. Their ego is so fragile that they know they need to protect themselves at all costs, or their facade will be exposed.

Immediately, the ego tells itself, “This isn’t my fault because I’m perfect in every way. This is your fault, and you need to be eliminated.”

From the narcissist’s distorted perspective, they project their pain onto you. Now, the ego sees you as the source of the pain/problem. The ego wants to extinguish the pain/problem as quickly as possible so it can regain its sense of superiority, so it surrounds and attacks you. You must be projected off so you no longer pose a threat to their ego because you’ve gotten too close to uncovering the truth.

The narcissist will control you through their projections, and over time, your reality begins to unravel. As your partner, who is supposed to love and care for you, continues to criticize and blame you for everything, it’s natural for a compassionate person to want to examine themselves and see where they should take responsibility.

You end up unconsciously bearing the burden of the narcissist’s behavior, as they keep projecting it onto you over and over again.

Psychological_Manipulation

Psychological manipulation is a subtle form of psychological manipulation constantly used by narcissists. Their goal is to control you by gradually and subtly altering your perception of reality.

They want you to doubt yourself, your ability to make decisions, and even your memories and perspectives. In this way, they make you relinquish control of your life, allowing them to dictate your thoughts and experiences.

How_Do_Narcissists_Practice_Psychological_Manipulation?

Confrontation: Disputing details of events that occurred, making you doubt your memory.

← “You know I never said that.”

Denial: Denying entire conversations, events, and details, and portraying you as a liar.

← “This is the first time I’ve heard of it.”

Blocking: Withholding conversation, love, affection, and attention as a form of punishment.

← “I don’t have time for this.”

Minimizing your feelings, fears, and experiences—dismissing and disrespecting them.

← “It was just a joke, oh my god. Stop making a mountain out of a molehill.”

Deflecting the conversation—shifting the blame or shifting it onto yourself or someone else to avoid responsibility.

← “You’re the one with the problem here, not me. You need to improve your communication.”

Generalizing—making sweeping generalizations to belittle and blame others.

← “You’re all the same!”

Virtually Chattering

Narcissists love to draw their victims into vague and convoluted verbal exchanges. Have you ever started by asking a narcissist a simple question, only to find yourself in a long argument that spans ten different topics?

That’s because the narcissist has dragged you into a labyrinth of platitudes with no way out. They constantly change the subject, and before you know it, you find yourself trying to explain and justify things you’re sure you didn’t do.

They’ll accuse you of all sorts of things (often the same things they do themselves), and you’ll try desperately to convince them that you would never hurt them or say/do those things!

Unintelligible exchanges might go something like this:

You: “What do you want for dinner?”

Narcissist: “Oh, you’re always attacking me, aren’t you?!”

You: “Um… I just asked what you want for dinner.”

Narcissist: “Why do I have to make all the decisions? I literally do everything here. I work so hard every day for this family, and what do you do? Nothing! You just sit around doing nothing.”

You: “What do you mean I don’t do anything? I do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and I take care of the children. I work so hard too.”

Narcissist: “Yes, but who earns the money? Me! I’m not saying you don’t do anything, but a little cooking and laundry isn’t the same as working all day.”

You: “I understand, you have a physically demanding job. But I do my best here to make your evenings easy when you get home. What more can I do?”

Narcissist: “A little thanks now and then would be nice. And you could show more appreciation to your hardworking husband in the bedroom.”

And so it goes on! Do you even remember the original topic of conversation?

Notice how narcissists use even the simplest conversations to make you feel insecure, worthless, and unappreciated, and to reinforce the idea that you’re never enough. They constantly raise expectations, making you feel like you always have to do more and work harder, all in the hope of receiving some kind of love, appreciation, and acceptance from them.

Warning: You will never get any of this from a narcissist, no matter what you do. Your energy will be drained to death, then they will replace you with someone else whose wellspring has not yet run dry.

Devaluation

Devaluation is a core part of the narcissistic abuse cycle.

At this stage, the narcissist belittles you, insults you, and completely disregards your feelings and experiences. They want to assure you that you are worthless, that your experiences don’t matter, and that your feelings are just a nuisance.

When the narcissist punishes, rejects, or suddenly lashes out at you without warning, it leaves you feeling incredibly anxious and unstable.

You might think, “What did I do? Maybe if I had acted differently, or said it differently, they wouldn’t have reacted like this.”

Devaluation undermines your self-esteem, meaning you’ll feel so worthless that you won’t even consider trying to break up with the narcissist. The narcissist feels secure because they know you won’t abandon them and that you’ll remain a dependent source of energy, sex, money, housing, and so on. Traumatic Attachment

In the process of traumatic attachment, the victim of a narcissist develops an intense, even addictive, loyalty to the abuser. The narcissist creates a dynamic in the victim that makes them feel like their sole source of appreciation, security, acceptance, and survival.

Traumatic attachment develops through a pattern of intermittent reinforcement. It is essentially a pattern of harsh abuse interspersed with fleeting moments of kindness. Over time, these fleeting moments of kindness are enough to make the victim believe, “Oh, they really care about me,” thus justifying all the cruelty.

How Traumatic Attachment Works:

The narcissist withholds attention/affection from their victim and punishes them in various ways (ignoring, belittling, disappearing, psychological manipulation, blaming, etc.).

The narcissist offers rewards at very random times (gifts, generosity, affection, praise, etc.). The erratic reward pattern keeps the victim in a constant state of wanting to please others and “do the right thing” in the hope of receiving the appreciation and love they desperately crave but never receive.

Each time the narcissist offers a “reward,” the victim overestimates its value, simply because they feel happy just receiving something. Their body releases mood-enhancing chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, etc.), creating a feeling of euphoria and comfort.

It becomes clear how the victim’s body has become chemically addicted to the narcissist’s need for “rewards” to feel good.

What’s most disturbing about this pattern is that the narcissist’s abuse is what makes the victim feel so exhausted in the first place. But when you’re emotionally attached to an abuser because of the trauma, you can’t understand the situation at all; you’re literally in survival mode.

Anger

Another way narcissists control others is through their sudden, narcissistic outbursts of anger, which can erupt out of nowhere.

When you’re with someone (especially if you live with them) known for their extreme mood swings, you live on high alert. You’ll go out of your way to cater to their needs and provide them with maximum comfort, hoping to avoid falling into their wrath trap.

It’s like living in a minefield. Any mistake you make, even if you’re not sure why, can trigger a rage attack.

Narcissistic outbursts often stem from deep-seated trauma within the narcissist. But the narcissist doesn’t want to feel those emotions, so they unleash them in a fit of rage. And now, it’s all your fault!

Fake The Future

One of the most frustrating aspects of a relationship with a narcissist is their fabrication of the future. They promise you so much to keep you around or to get what they want in the moment.

A narcissist doesn’t intend to keep their promises; they simply want to tell you what you want to hear to push you beyond your limits.

Have you always dreamed of a child? They’ll promise you five!

Are you passionate about travel? They’ll promise trips around the world!

Are you fed up with your old bathroom? They’ll promise a complete renovation!

When a narcissist fabricates the future, it means they know what you truly want, but they don’t want to give it to you. They’ll keep you hoping, they’ll enjoy manipulating you, but their real control lies in not giving you what you want.

People stay around us for months, years, even decades, just because of a false hope.

Provocation

Narcissists thoroughly enjoy other people’s reactions; it gives them an indescribable feeling!

My narcissistic ex-boyfriend used to provoke and belittle me until I lost my temper. Then he’d involve the kids and say, “Mom’s gone crazy, kids. She doesn’t even know how to take a joke.” I end up with my whole family laughing at me, while I wonder, “Why the hell is he doing this to me?”

But provoking narcissists can take many forms, and it can be physical or verbal. They deliberately provoke you, using whatever tactic they know will trigger a strong reaction.

A narcissist seeks to elicit a strong emotional response from you for two reasons:

Your intense emotions give them a huge boost of narcissistic energy (vital energy).

You’re providing them with “proof” to use to reinforce their narrative that you’re crazy and unstable.

Narcissists learn early on what your deepest hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities are. In fact, this was part of the goal of the “love bombardment” phase. They sought to gain your trust so you would reveal your most sensitive personal information.

The narcissist will use this information against you throughout your relationship and beyond. The best defense is learning how to react completely when they provoke you, leaving them powerless.

Triangle

The art of triangular manipulation involves bringing in third parties to support the narcissist’s agenda and fuel your anxieties.

They might keep their exes around to make you feel jealous and insecure about your relationship with them. This makes them feel powerful and gives them another pretext to control you.

When a narcissist argues with you, they might say, “See? Even my boss/my mom/our mutual friend [insert name] thinks you’re crazy!” Whether they made this up or were actually talking about you, it makes no difference. The goal is to make you feel like everyone is against you and on their side.

The narcissist might spread false rumors about you, reinforcing their fabricated narrative. They create an atmosphere so that if you speak the truth about them, people will automatically assume you’re mentally unstable, while they are perfectly sane and rational. In fact, they might have orchestrated the story so that if you try to talk to anyone about it, your words will only strengthen their version of events, making matters worse.

Manipulation tactics might include using subordinates to carry out the narcissist’s orders, keeping their public image clean while intentionally harming you.

They might use mutual friends to spy on you and pass on information. Or they might incite others to harass and publicly defame you based on their distorted lies. This can be incredibly painful when a narcissist turns your friends and family against you.

What happens when a narcissist loses control?

Now that you’re fully aware of how a narcissist manipulates those closest to them, let’s look at what happens when they actually lose control.

As you begin to see through their manipulative behavior and understand their fabricated narrative, their facade starts to crumble. Little by little, their mechanisms of control begin to lose their effectiveness as the fog that shrouded you in mystery lifts.

Ultimately, the core of a narcissist’s reaction when they lose control is rejection. Their ego cannot tolerate rejection in any form because it has built its entire personality on a foundation of perceived perfection. The narcissist believes they are a god to be worshipped and venerated—how dare you reject them?!

You will be punished!

Here’s how a narcissist behaves when they lose control over you:

Playing the Victim

One of the first tactics a narcissist resorts to when they lose control is playing the victim.

If you say you’re going to leave, they’ll exploit your sympathy to make you feel guilty and force you to stay—it’s nothing more than emotional blackmail. To clarify, if you decide to stay, the narcissist will escalate their abuse to punish you for even considering leaving.

If the narcissist completely loses control, they’ll turn the tables and claim to be the poor victim of your dominance. They’ll allege that you’re the abuser, that you betrayed them, and that you’re the liar.

Interestingly, you’ll be blamed for everything they actually did to you. And the more people they spread their fabricated story to, the better.

When you have the chance to talk to someone, it will seem like you’re trying to get back at them by accusing them of the same. Unfortunately, this tactic is very effective, and the narcissist knows it.

Trying To Luring You

When a narcissist loses control, they will do anything to drag you back into their cycle of abuse. If you still have energy left for them to exploit, they won’t accept your departure.

Trying to lure you back will take you back to the days of “love bombing,” when the narcissist seemed kind, charming, and generous. The difference this time is that the narcissist knows all your wounds and secrets, so they will know exactly how to (try to) convince you to stay with them.

Just to clarify, they don’t want you to stay because they genuinely care about you. No, they want you to stay so they can continue abusing you.

How a narcissist tries to manipulate you:

Sending seemingly random messages

Feigning remorse

Making false promises

Acting like nothing happened

Using important occasions to contact you

Giving gifts or money

Declaring their eternal love for you (how disgusting!)

Demonstrating a desperate need for your help

Accusing you of trying to lure you into contact with them

Interfering in your life

If a narcissist realizes they are losing control over you, they may resort to extreme measures to permanently impose themselves on your life, making it impossible to escape.

They might persuade you to take on joint debt to further entangle themselves in your life. Leaving someone with whom you share a $40,000 mortgage or personal loan is much harder than leaving someone with completely separate financial matters.

For a narcissistic woman, she might become pregnant “by accident,” meaning you’ll be bound to her forever. If you leave her now, you’ll be publicly humiliated and branded as the bad partner who abandoned her. Prepare for a fierce battle to be a part of your child’s life if you don’t stay with the narcissist and submit to their demands.

Another tactic they employ is to gain complete control over your finances, making it nearly impossible to survive without them. They might control everything and cut off your access to money, or even go so far as to withdraw all your funds from your bank accounts and blackmail you into staying to avoid bankruptcy.

Narcissists have no conscience and will stop at nothing to destroy you and achieve their goals.

Ignoring

Be prepared for childish ignoring when a narcissist loses control. They will cut off all communication, preventing any opportunity for you to express yourself.

For a narcissist, ignoring is a punishment for any behavior that doesn’t serve their interests. They hope to regain control by making you feel completely insecure as a result of their ignoring you.

Since they believe they are above you, they expect you to come crawling back, begging for forgiveness. And if you try to communicate with them, they will escalate their abuse as further punishment for any misstep.

Narcissistic Rage

Interestingly, a narcissist’s tantrum is one of their methods of controlling you, and one of their triggers when they lose control.

Narcissists are angry creatures, and this anger always lurks beneath all their glittering jewelry, luxury cars, and superficial appearances.

Ultimately, the narcissist believes they own you all the time. In their distorted world, they are a god, meaning no one is above them. They are accountable to no one, and therefore everyone around them is merely a tool to be used and abused as they please.

If a narcissist loses control over you, they’ll explode with rage, unleashing a furious tantrum unlike anything you’ve ever seen. It always unsettles me to see a narcissist’s eyes turn completely black when they’re enraged.

It’s the ultimate revelation of their true nature, the one hidden behind their mask, when they lose control.

A narcissist’s tantrum is terrifying, enough to make people want to appease them out of fear.

I like to imagine a narcissist’s tantrum as a monster from the world of Harry Potter. For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, a bogart is a shape-shifting creature that takes the form of your deepest fears. It might seem frightening, but the best way to deal with it is to imagine it as something so ridiculous that you can’t stop laughing at its absurdity.

This same analogy applies to many of the narcissist’s tactics, which eliminate your fear and weaken their power.

Publicly Defaming You

The narcissist wears a complete mask on their outward image. Deep down, they are a fake person with no real personality, so they’ve created an entire world around their fabricated persona.

When the narcissist loses control over you, you become their number one enemy. Your very existence poses a significant threat of exposing their deception, driving them to destroy you before you have a chance to destroy them.

What better way to destroy you in every aspect of your life than to publicly defame and humiliate you?

A smear campaign provides the narcissist with the perfect opportunity to rewrite history and propagate a narrative that suits their twisted agenda.

The narcissist can’t be blamed for anything, and they can never be wrong, so they always portray you as the worst person on earth, while they are the perfect one.

I’m watching you

As we mentioned before, narcissists see you only as a means to an end. Whether it’s money, sex, fame, or material possessions… it doesn’t matter to them.

In the world of a narcissist’s madness, once they possess you, they possess you forever.

This can be incredibly frightening, especially if you’re dealing with a narcissist who absolutely refuses to let you go. They might drive past your house to check who’s visiting, or even follow you everywhere you go. They’ll constantly monitor you online to keep track of your life because they feel entitled to do so.

My most important advice is to cut off all contact with the narcissist. If you suspect they’re stalking you, don’t hesitate to report them to the authorities. This problem, especially for women, is being taken very seriously these days.

They’re trying to make you jealous

For a narcissist, they are the most important and greatest person on earth. Therefore, they believe that everything they do attracts people to them, not what you do.

Isn’t it astonishing how little a narcissist offers, and how they depend directly on draining the energy of others to survive… and yet they think they’re the best? It’s insane!

A narcissist might go to great lengths to make you so jealous that you’ll keep going back to them.

They might do this by showing off their fun on social media, or even bragging to others to make you jealous. They’ll get haircuts, spend lavishly on expensive clothes, and take you to fancy restaurants—all right in front of you.

But you know that all these outward appearances mean nothing. At their core, they are cruel, heartless souls.

Speaking of jealousy, since a narcissist sees you as nothing more than a toy, whether you’re still together or not, they’ll be intensely jealous if mutual friends spend time with you and not with them. In their eyes, those friends should be on their side, not yours (because it’s always about winning). Furthermore, how dare these friends play with his toy without asking permission! Narcissists have no more feelings than a five-year-old, so yes… they don’t like sharing.

Abandoning You First

When a narcissist loses control and knows there’s no hope of getting you back in their web, they’ll abandon you first. They’ll want to make people believe that ending the relationship (whatever its nature) was actually their idea.

If they can’t control you, they’ll control the decision to abandon you and the narrative that follows.

They might cut you off completely and regain control. Or they might abandon you but keep you hanging on as a potential future victim.

A narcissist’s goal is always to drain people dry, then discard them and replace them with new victims. For a narcissist, you don’t have the right to get rid of them first. How dare you!

Even if you do get rid of the narcissist first, they will try to lure you back to punish you, then cruelly discard you themselves. All they care about is regaining control.

Replace You With A Next Victim

Above all, a narcissist needs to constantly feed off at least one other person to maintain their false persona.

When a narcissist loses control over you, they will almost certainly replace you with a new victim before you can even recover. That is, if they don’t already have another one ready.

It doesn’t matter if you never want to touch a narcissist again, even if they were the last person on Earth, and the continuation of the human race depended on it… seeing them move on to a new victim is incredibly painful.

You are left shaken to your core, trying to process the aftermath of a relationship that has just ended. You’re trying to accept that it was an abusive relationship, but you were so emotionally attached and exploited that you didn’t see it. You feel broken thinking about how you gave your heart and soul to someone who never loved you.

And there he is, seconds later, walking side-by-side on the beach with a younger, more vibrant version of you.

But remember, my friend, you’re finally free. The narcissist has to live with their spiritual emptiness every day, and the new victim will be facing an even more cunning version of the person you once thought you knew.

How To Take Back Type

While I’m sure you’re hoping to hear that taking back control means exposing the narcissist so everyone can see the truth, it’s not like that at all. If you dare to try to expose the narcissist’s deception, you’ll actually be opening yourself up to further abuse.

During the emotionally lavish phase, and throughout the relationship, the narcissist was constantly gathering information about you. Every time you thought they were genuinely listening as you poured out your feelings, you were right. They were listening, but not to validate your feelings or offer any kind of support. Instead, they were collecting all your hopes, dreams, desires, fears, and insecurities, carefully storing them to use against you later.

As difficult as this may be to accept, the narcissist was the greatest blessing in your life, if you allowed it. I’m not talking about the specific person who abused and horribly treated you, but about the experience of having your deepest wounds exposed and laid bare.

This is the role of the narcissist in our lives. They excel at identifying, triggering, and exacerbating our deepest traumas. Their enjoyment of our pain is a powerful motivator, but ultimately, this is the price they will have to pay once we have fully recovered from our trauma.

So why is it good that our wounds are exposed and reopened? Because we are now fully aware of the hidden, darker aspects of ourselves that yearn to be confronted and healed.

Every time your emotions are triggered by what the narcissist has done (or hasn’t done), you are given an opportunity to delve deep within yourself to heal that wound and release it from your body forever.

As you progress on your inner healing journey, your fear of the narcissist will gradually fade. The complex symptoms of PTSD will begin to disappear, and your life will start flowing onto its true path, perfectly aligned with your higher self. Life begins to improve, becoming more enjoyable, peaceful, and full of goodness.

The narcissist’s motivation is fear. So, when your fear of what the narcissist might do or say to you disappears, so does their influence over you.

The narcissist will become insignificant to you and will no longer have the power to provoke you. With their disappearance from your life, any psychological connection they had with you—which they used to drain your energy from afar—will also vanish.

The beauty of this is that when you stop caring about exposing or punishing the narcissist, everything will begin to happen to them automatically. Because you are no longer responsible for their actions or behavior, only then will the cosmic energy return to its balance.

If you are ready to embark on the journey of healing and finally release your trauma, I recommend removing the trauma from your energetic body with the help of a trusted spiritual healer. It is the most effective therapeutic method I have found to alleviate my pain and overcome the complex post-traumatic stress disorder that was worsening day by day.

I hope this article has helped you understand how a narcissist behaves when they lose control over you, and how to protect yourself from any violent reaction or other abuse.