Key Points
Narcissists replace their true selves with an alternate persona characterized by grandiosity, arrogance, self-absorption, and extreme vanity.
Psychomanipulation is a form of ongoing manipulation and brainwashing that leads the victim to doubt themselves.
While the narcissist lies and exaggerates to bolster their fragile self-esteem, the psychomanipulator does so to increase their dominance and control.
“Some people try to become great by excluding others.” – Paramahansa Yogananda
Psychologist Steven Johnson writes that a narcissist is someone who “buried their authentic self-expression as a reaction to childhood trauma and replaced it with a highly developed false self as compensation.” This alternate persona often appears grandiose, arrogant, self-absorptional, and extremely vain.
Psychomanipulation is a form of ongoing manipulation and brainwashing that leads the victim to doubt themselves and ultimately to lose their sense of self-awareness, identity, and self-worth. The statements and accusations of a psychopath are often based on deliberate lies and calculated marginalization. The term “psychopathy” is derived from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she is insane by making her doubt herself and reality.
Numerous studies and articles have been written about the impact of narcissism and psychopathy on relationships (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6). Although each of these destructive psychological disorders is often unique, there are some behavioral similarities. Below are six common traits, with references to my books: “How to Successfully Deal with Narcissists” and “How to Successfully Deal with Psychopaths and Stop Psychopathic Bullying.” Not all narcissists and psychopaths possess all of the traits listed below. However, chronic narcissists and psychopaths are likely to exhibit at least several of the following traits regularly.
- Repeated Lying and Exaggeration
Both narcissists and psychopaths tend to lie and exaggerate repeatedly (about themselves and others), and have a tendency to bolster their own status at the expense of others. While narcissists often seek to demonstrate their superiority and “excellence” through boasting, self-aggrandizement, and other forms of self-aggrandizement, psychopaths tend to focus on making you feel inferior through false accusations, constant criticism, and psychological intimidation. Both narcissists and psychopaths are adept at distorting the truth, spreading deliberate lies, character assassination, and passive coercion. One key difference is that the narcissist lies and exaggerates to bolster their fragile self-esteem, while the psychopath does so to solidify their dominance and control.
- They rarely admit their mistakes and are extremely aggressive when criticized.
Many narcissists and emotional manipulators are highly sensitive and may react poorly when held accountable for their negative behavior. When confronted, a narcissist tends to either fight (e.g., tantrums, making excuses, denial, blaming others, hypersensitivity, etc.) or flee (e.g., sudden withdrawal, avoidance, ignoring, repressing resentment, or other forms of passive-aggressive behavior). An emotional manipulator almost always escalates by doubling down on their false accusations or coercion to intimidate or suppress their opponent. Many emotional manipulators view relationships as inherently competitive rather than cooperative; a zero-sum game where one side is either a winner or a loser, on top or at the bottom. “The best defense is a good offense” is a motto adopted by many psychological manipulators, reflecting their aggressive approach to others.
- Projecting a False Image
“My husband always wants people to see him as successful, powerful, and enviable, no matter how fragile his real life is.” – Anonymous partner of a narcissist
Related : The Frustrating Double Standards of Narcissists
Both narcissists and psychopaths tend to project a false and idealized image of themselves to the world to mask their inner insecurities. Many narcissists enjoy impressing others by presenting themselves as good on the outside. This “vanity” may manifest physically, emotionally, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally. The underlying message behind this boasting is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look how special I am—I deserve everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”
On the other hand, psychopaths often create an idealized image of themselves, portraying themselves as dominant and oppressive figures, whether in personal relationships, the workplace, or high-profile social positions (such as politics and media). Many of them prefer to see themselves, falsely, as powerful and capable of judging and punishing as they please. Psychopathic manipulators often boast about marginalizing those they perceive as weaker, believing that the weak deserve their miserable fate. They attack their victims with cruelty and contempt, overtly or covertly, relishing these sadistic abuses and displaying a complete lack of empathy and humanity.
In short, narcissists seek to be worshipped, while psychopaths seek to subjugate. These outward displays largely become an integral part of their false identity, replacing their unstable, authentic selves.
- Breaking Rules and Violating Boundaries
Many narcissists and manipulators enjoy getting away with breaking social rules and norms. Examples of narcissistic overreach include overstepping boundaries, chronically withholding tips, violating personal space, borrowing things and not returning them, using other people’s belongings without permission, breaking traffic laws, being late for appointments, and breaking promises. Examples of psychological manipulation include direct or indirect belittling comments, public or private humiliation and defamation, sarcasm and sarcastic remarks, cyberbullying, hate speech and rage, and vicious attacks on unwanted individuals and groups.
Both narcissists and manipulators operate by violating personal boundaries, driven by a sense of entitlement and a narrow, self-centered mindset that oppresses and dehumanizes their victims. In severe cases, this psychological dysfunction can lead to illicit and deceitful dealings, financial exploitation, sexual harassment, relationship abuse, domestic violence, hate crimes, human rights violations, and other forms of criminal activity. Many narcissists and manipulators take pride in their destructive behavior, as their machinations give them a hollow (and desperate) sense of superiority and privilege.
- Devaluing and Coercing Emotions
While narcissists and manipulators may resort to physical violence (though not always), the most significant harm inflicted on their victims is psychological. Both narcissists and manipulators enjoy instilling and amplifying negative emotions to feel powerful and to keep their victims insecure and unstable. They consistently belittle the thoughts, feelings, and priorities of others and show little remorse for hurting those around them. They often blame their victims for causing the harm (“You wouldn’t get scolded if you weren’t so stupid!”).
In addition, many narcissists and manipulators experience extreme mood swings and are prone to emotional drama—it’s unpredictable what might upset or anger them. They are bothered by any display of independence and assertiveness (“Who do you think you are?!”). They become anxious if you disagree with them or fail to meet their expectations. As mentioned earlier, they are sensitive to criticism but quick to judge others. By putting you down and making you feel inferior, they bolster their fragile egos and feel more confident.
- Manipulation: Using or controlling others as an extension of oneself
Both narcissists and manipulators tend to make decisions on behalf of others to suit their own self-interest. Narcissists may exploit their romantic partner, child, family, friend, or coworker to fulfill unreasonable, selfish needs, achieve unfulfilled dreams, or cover up their own weaknesses and shortcomings. They also tend to use guilt, blame, and victimhood as tools of manipulation.
Psychopaths manipulate individuals and groups by consistently distorting reality, aiming to sow doubt and self-doubt in their victims. In personal and professional settings, they manipulate others through meticulously managing relationships (control), including imposing unreasonable restrictions, excessive scrutiny, and dictating how others think, feel, and behave. They often become critical, angry, intimidating, and hostile toward those who refuse to comply with their directives. Psychopathic manipulation is characterized by extreme aggression, with punitive measures (physical or psychological) being taken against those who do not acknowledge or obey their perceived authority.
Perhaps the most significant difference between narcissists and psychopaths is that narcissists exploit others, while psychopaths dominate and control. While narcissists resort to this to compensate for a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy (that they are unloved for who they truly are), psychopaths do so to mask their persistent insecurity (their feelings of helplessness and lack of control). Both of these pathological patterns reveal an inability and/or unwillingness to connect with people honestly and fairly as human beings. They become “special” and “superior” by dehumanizing themselves and others.
In the worst cases, some individuals possess both narcissistic and manipulative traits. This is a highly toxic and destructive mix of vanity, manipulation, bullying, and abuse—all unleashed to compensate for the perpetrator’s deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and fear.
