Some professionals, such as lawyers, surgeons, and pilots, are highly valued for their perseverance, intense focus, and unwavering determination. These qualities enable individuals to achieve remarkable success in environments that not only encourage but also reinforce such behavior. After all, no one wants a surgeon who is easily distracted during open-heart surgery.
However, when this behavior is directed toward a spouse or child, it can become suffocating. Relationships require tact, a give-and-take mentality, and freedom of choice to thrive. All of these elements contradict the common sense of the narcissistic obsessive person who cannot separate their effective behavior at work from their home life. They believe that the same level of effort they put into work will be equally productive at home.
But this is not true. It often has the opposite effect. The family member becomes overwhelmed by the excessive attention and tries to escape. This usually leads to intense frustration for the narcissistic obsessive person, who then becomes even more entrenched in their position. But the more they try, the worse the results become. And so begins the downward spiral, which often ends in complete isolation or abandonment.
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The situation may be different, and this feeling of suffocation can be alleviated. However, this process requires equal participation from all parties involved to be effective. Here’s how it works:
Identify the narcissistic-obsessive personality. This personality is a combination of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. Some of its characteristics include: ritualistic routines, myopia or hyper focus, irrational insistence, absolute determination, disregard for advice, an inability to see things from others’ perspectives, quiet turmoil, intolerance of rejection, use of extremes or exaggeration in arguments, excessive detail or explanation, hoarding of mementos of successes, and crushing anyone who stands in its way. Accurately assessing this personality is essential to this process.
Provide a safe environment for family members. The bullying behavior of the narcissistic-obsessive personality creates an unsafe environment for the family. They don’t know when or where they will be the next victim and are often adept at escaping moments before their outburst. It’s crucial that the family feels heard and understood, and that they don’t feel pressured to remain in the relationship. Things should proceed according to their schedule, not the narcissist’s.
Let everyone go to their corner. When two boxers get too close during a fight, the referee separates them and sends them to their respective corners. Trying to deal with both of them at once doesn’t work quickly. It’s better to separate them to foster a safe environment, divide the issues, and prioritize them. This gives the family time to recover from the narcissist’s aggression.
Establish rules for order. The best thing about dealing with a narcissist is that they understand the importance of order, and they often willingly abide by the rules they set. The downside is that if they disagree with a rule, they will break it within minutes. Most narcissists need detailed explanations for why a rule is necessary, the possibility of modifying it within a specific time frame, and reassurance that the process will work. The family needs rules to feel secure.
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Start with agreement. Finding common ground is key to success, especially when it comes to a long-term outcome, such as building a healthy relationship that respects boundaries. This also includes shared personality traits or interests among family members. When everyone sees what they have in common, they naturally grow closer.
Tackle the urgent first. Whatever problem is currently troubling both parties, address it first. Then come the long-term issues. In between these, address secondary issues. This is a deliberate process that starts with a major issue, then a minor one, and then returns to the major one again. The secondary issues allow time to rest before tackling another sensitive matter. However, don’t exceed two urgent issues at a time before moving on to the next step.
Go back to the first step and start again. Interestingly, as the process progresses, it becomes necessary to remind everyone how things work and why. With each new step taken, all previous steps should be revisited. This often frustrates the narcissistic individual who wants to move forward at a rapid pace. However, the family needs to return to the beginning to move forward at a comfortable pace.
Through repetition and successful completion of the process several times, the narcissistic individual learns a new way of dealing with their interpersonal relationships. The feeling of being stifled can be eliminated, and the family’s mental health can be restored.
