You went on a few dates with a guy who never stopped talking about himself and never asked you a single question.
He’s clearly a narcissist.
Your coworker constantly tells you that your approach is wrong. She always seems to be thinking about herself, flattering your boss, and putting everyone else down. All the time. She’s clearly a narcissist.
Your childhood friend only talks about his problems and always needs help. Whenever you need help, he suddenly disappears.
He’s clearly a narcissist.
Your friend’s friend is known as “The Competitor.” She’s always in a competition. Whatever you do, she does it better, faster, and easier. Oh, and she’s always late and rarely apologizes.
She’s clearly a narcissist.
Your dorm roommate was arrogant and rude, and he always treated his girlfriends badly.
He’s clearly a narcissist.
These are all examples of annoying and unpleasant traits and behaviors. But that doesn’t necessarily make someone a narcissist. For example, in some cases, there may be logical explanations, such as the person you’re dating being extremely nervous and tending to chatter when they’re stressed, says Rebecca Nichols, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationship issues across all stages of life, including dating, marriage, and divorce.
“Narcissism is all the rage these days,” she adds. “It’s become commonplace to label self-centered or self-centered behavior as narcissism.” One reason, she explains, is that it’s a quick and easy way to explain bad behavior or to explain someone’s inability to understand your point of view.
Related : How a Group Culture Can Become Narcissistic
Of course, people use various psychological terms and diagnoses, such as PTSD and OCD, “superficially and inaccurately,” says Natalie Rothstein, a licensed psychotherapist who practices in the greater Chicago area and specializes in anxiety, depression, grief, loss, attachment issues, relationship problems, and eating disorders. So it’s not surprising that we also use the term “narcissist.”
While someone may possess narcissistic traits, narcissism itself is something entirely different, which often leads to confusion and hasty conclusions. A true narcissist, says Nichols, is someone with narcissistic personality disorder. “I think the most important thing is to recognize that narcissism isn’t just a behavior,” he adds. “It’s a personality trait, more like a worldview.”
According to Nichols and Rothstein, people with narcissistic personality disorder exhibit the following traits, which appear in all contexts (not just at work, for example):
Lack of empathy and indifference to the feelings of others; inflated self-esteem (such as exaggerating their accomplishments or talents); a sense of entitlement; and a reluctance to take responsibility for their actions. They believe they bear no guilt, leading to a series of poor relationships and/or negative work experiences. They believe they are superior to others. They crave constant admiration and attention, often turning conversations and topics around themselves. They seek power and manipulate situations to their advantage, regardless of the impact on others.
Some signs are less obvious. For example, people with narcissistic personality disorder have unrealistic expectations, as Nichols noted. “In relationships, you’ll find you can never truly please them.” They demand perfection from others and their experiences. They “get miserable when things don’t go their way.” They also believe people should act the way they want and what they consider right.
Nichols frequently observes narcissism in the world of romantic relationships. “I think clients’ vulnerability makes them more susceptible to falling into the trap of narcissism or ignoring it,” she says. For example, Nichols worked with a client who had a whirlwind romance with a guy she met online. He was attentive, always available, and constantly wanted to see her, showering her with messages and gifts. Everything was going well until a few months later. He didn’t like a political comment she made at a party with his friends. She apologized profusely, but he wouldn’t accept it, saying things like, “I don’t understand how you could be so stupid to say that. You made me look bad in front of everyone.” He then became cold and extremely critical (for example, criticizing her for being too sensitive). Eventually, he stopped responding to any communication.
As Nichols confirms, “This was the classic pattern of praising, then belittling, then abandoning” that true narcissists follow.
Rothstein’s clients who dated people with narcissistic traits “feel manipulated, as if everything is always their fault.” They also tend to “lose their sense of self-worth and their own perspective,” she says.
In reality, there is considerable variation among people with narcissistic personality disorder. According to this article in the American Journal of Psychiatry, individuals may be consumed by self-loathing, socially isolated, unable to maintain a stable job, and prone to antisocial behaviors. They may be highly sensitive, shy, and overly sensitive to the opinions of others. But, as in the most common portrayal of narcissistic personality disorder, these individuals remain “exceptionally self-absorbed.”
We tend to use the word “narcissist” as a synonym for “selfish,” and while narcissists are indeed selfish, they are much more than that. When we use terms indiscriminately, we lose their meaning. “This minimizes the real pain and suffering one experiences in a relationship or being raised by someone with narcissistic personality disorder,” Nichols says.
Unless the person with narcissistic personality disorder has a firm commitment to change, the behavior of others will not influence them. In other words, “You can’t show enough interest or support for a narcissist to change their behavior—it has to come from within.”
