“Why didn’t he just leave?” This question frustrates many abuse victims, and rightly so. Even after years of research into the effects of trauma and abuse, and the fact that abuse victims often return to their abusers an average of seven times before finally leaving, society still struggles to understand the powerful effects of trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement in abusive relationships.

According to Dr. Logan (2018), trauma bonding manifests in any relationship that defies logic and is difficult to break. The elements necessary for this bonding to form are power imbalances, intermittent good and bad treatment, and periods of intense excitement and bonding.

Trauma bonding is defined as a bond that develops when two people experience intense and risky emotional experiences together. In the context of abusive relationships, this bond is strengthened by increased intimacy and risk. Similar to Stockholm syndrome, the victim of abuse becomes attached to their abuser, who represents both a source of terror and comfort, in an attempt to survive this turbulent relationship. As a result, victims of abuse feel an unwavering loyalty and devotion to their abusers, a feeling that may seem irrational to an observer.

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As Dr. Patrick notes in his book “The Bond of Betrayal,” this traumatic attachment is particularly intense in cases where the cycle of abuse is repeated, there is a desire to save the abuser, and both seduction and betrayal are present. He writes:

“Outsiders see the obvious. All these relationships are based on some kind of loyalty or excessive attachment. They share exploitation, fear, and danger. They also include elements of kindness, nobility, and integrity. These are all people who continue to be attached, or want to be attached, to people who are betraying them. Emotional pain, dire consequences, even the possibility of death do not deter them from caring or committing. Psychiatrists call this attachment ‘traumatic attachment.’ This means that the victims suffer from a kind of dysfunctional attachment that arises in the shadow of danger, shame, or exploitation. There is often seduction, deception, or betrayal. And there is always some form of risk or gamble.”

The Role of Intermittent Reinforcement in Trauma-Related Attachment

Intermittent reinforcement (in the context of psychological abuse) is a pattern of cruel and abusive treatment punctuated by sporadic periods of affection. The abuser offers rewards, such as affection, praise, or gifts, intermittently and unpredictably throughout the abuse. Consider, for example, an abusive husband who gives his wife flowers after assaulting her, or the kind words an abusive mother speaks to her child after a period of harsh silence.

Intermittent reinforcement drives the victim to constantly seek the abuser’s approval, content with the rare crumbs of positive behavior, hoping the abuser will return to a more amicable relationship. Like a gambler at a slot machine, victims unconsciously become addicted to this game, driven by the hope of a potential win, despite the significant losses.

This manipulative approach also leads us to overestimate the abuser’s rare positive behaviors. Dr. Carver describes this as the concept of simple kindness. As he points out in his article “Love and Stockholm Syndrome”:

“In situations involving threat and a will to survive, we look for a glimmer of hope, a small sign that the situation might improve. When the abuser/controller shows the victim even a small act of kindness, even if it is also in their own interest, the victim interprets this small act of kindness as a positive quality in the abuser. In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually given after a period of abuse), or a special gesture is interpreted not only as positive but also as evidence that the abuser is not entirely bad and might one day change their behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given credit for not abusing their partner, when in a given situation the partner would normally have been subjected to verbal or physical abuse.”

The Biochemical Element

As I have explained in more detail in my books on narcissistic abuse, there is also a biochemical addiction linked to intermittent reinforcement and trauma-induced attachment. As Helen Fisher (2016) shows, love activates the same brain regions responsible for cocaine addiction. In dysfunctional relationships, the effects of biochemical addiction may be even stronger. When hormones like toxicity, serotonin, dopamine, cortisol, and adrenaline are present, the abusive nature of the relationship may strengthen, rather than weaken, the bond in the brain.

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For example, dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a key role in the pleasure center of our brains. It creates reward circuits and generates connections in our brains that link our romantic partners to pleasure, and even survival. But what’s the problem? Dopamine flow in the brain increases when there is an intermittent pattern of emotional reinforcement and attention, rather than a constant pattern (Cornell, 2012). The extreme fluctuations in toxic relationship behaviors exacerbate our dangerous attachment to our abusers instead of deterring it, creating an addiction similar to drug addiction.

This is just one of the ways the brain is affected by abuse, so imagine how difficult it is for someone who has experienced trauma to break this bond.

Signs_of_a_Painful_Attachment

You may be experiencing a painful attachment if you notice the following behaviors:

You know the other person is abusive and manipulative, but you can’t break free. You dwell on the abuse, blame yourself, and the abuser becomes the sole controller of your self-esteem and worth.

You are overly cautious in trying to please the abuser, even though they offer little affection and much more pain.

You feel addicted to them without understanding why. You “need” their validation and approval, and you see them as a source of comfort after the abuse. This is evidence of a strong attachment to them on both a biological and psychological level.

You defend the abuser and conceal their transgressions. You may refuse to file a complaint against them or defend them to family members or friends who try to convince you that they are toxic. You may present your relationship to others as happy, downplaying their abusive behavior and romanticizing any occasional positive actions they take.

Even when you try to break up with the abuser, you succumb to their feigned remorse, crocodile tears, and claims of change. The pattern and cycle of abuse may be clear, but you cling to the false hope that things will improve.

You develop self-destructive behaviors and may resort to self-harm or addiction to escape the pain of abuse and the intense shame it causes.

You are willing to lower your standards repeatedly for this abusive person, accepting what you previously thought unacceptable.

You alter your behavior, appearance, and/or personality in an attempt to keep up with the abuser’s ever-changing goals, even though the abuser rarely changes their behavior to please you.

The Big Picture

If you’re in a painful relationship with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive, the first step is awareness. Understand that it’s the addictive nature of the relationship and the intermittent reinforcement that sustain it, not the qualities of the abuser or the relationship itself. This will help you stop viewing your relationship as “special” and only requiring more of your time, energy, or patience. Malicious narcissists have ingrained behaviors and won’t change for you or anyone else.

Walk away from the abuser, even if you feel like you can’t leave yet. Seek help from a trauma therapist to process the trauma, examine the cycle of abuse, confront the reality of the abusive relationship, and take full responsibility. The abuse you experienced was not your fault, nor was the painful relationship you created. You deserve a life free from abuse and mistreatment. You deserve healthy relationships and friendships that nourish your soul, not ones that drain and exploit you. You deserve to cut ties with those who have wronged you.