Narcissists are notorious for ruining special occasions, without a doubt. I can’t even count the number of birthdays and other celebrations my narcissistic ex-boyfriend ruined; I dreaded those days.

He “forgot” my first Mother’s Day, even though our baby was only eight weeks old—the wounds were still fresh! He would throw a tantrum on my birthdays if we were going out, then spend the whole day complaining about how awful the places were.

Despite knowing I had food allergies, he would buy cakes and other treats with those ingredients, then feign apologies, again claiming he “forgot” or “didn’t realize.” Then he and the kids would go off to enjoy the birthday treats, and I’d be left with nothing.

He stopped buying me presents after the first few years because “it’s so hard to buy me a present.”

One year, he threw a fit the day before my birthday, leaving me shaking and crying. He hated my emotional reaction and felt he had to punish me. He sneered, “I was going to get you flowers for your birthday tomorrow, but not after what you did.” Then that night, he kept me awake for hours, feigning innocence. He blamed his cruel behavior on external forces. It wasn’t his fault, he said, “Something got the better of me…”

The next day, I was so exhausted and broken that all I could think about was getting through the day and surviving. There were no presents, no outings, nothing special. My only wish for my birthday was to be left alone.

I remember when I was little, my narcissistic mother asked me how I wanted my 21st birthday party. Then she “surprised” me with the party she wanted, completely disregarding my requests and wishes. If I had spoken up, I would have been branded ungrateful, so I kept my feelings to myself and remained silent.

Honestly, I could list countless birthdays, New Year’s celebrations, and other occasions that narcissists have ruined in my life. I’m sure that if you’re reading this, you probably have a library full of your own memories of occasions ruined by narcissists.

Related : 8 Reasons Why a Narcissist Ignores You

I didn’t even realize that narcissists ruin special occasions until after I separated from my narcissistic ex-husband. As is common after years of narcissistic abuse, I thought something was wrong with me.

“Why wasn’t I as excited about birthdays and special occasions as other people were?”

“Why did I dread the days I was supposed to celebrate with myself?”

“Why did I downplay my special days and prefer reading a book alone instead of celebrating?”

I learned from a young age that having a quiet, relaxing day on my birthday or any special occasion is the best way I know to unwind. Although I didn’t have the right words to express what was going on inside me, I knew that those days were not safe or special for me in any way.

I just wanted to get through these days with as few tears and worries as possible, and for them to end quickly.

Perhaps you understand some or all of these feelings and situations.

So, why do narcissists ruin special occasions, birthdays, and holidays?

Because spending an entire day focusing on someone else is incredibly exhausting for them. They believe you exist to serve them, not the other way around. Narcissists feel that giving to others without expecting anything in return is a form of torture.

Not being able to be the most important person in the room causes them a deep narcissistic wound. And the moment a narcissist is provoked, they unleash their anger on the outside world as an automatic reaction.

Let’s explore the specific reasons why narcissists ruin special occasions.

Why do narcissists ruin special occasions?

It distracts them from their own needs

One of the most prominent characteristics of narcissism is their belief that they are superior and special to everyone else. This is accompanied by a feeling of absolute entitlement, which makes them believe that everything should revolve around them.

The level of selfishness in a narcissist’s world is unbelievable!

Even on other people’s birthdays, they don’t feel that the day should be dedicated to them. They are the most important person in the room, so don’t think you’ll spend an entire day solely on yourself. This won’t happen if you have an influential narcissist in your life.

They Should Do Things For Others

Narcissists are incredibly selfish. They can’t stand the idea of ​​making any effort for others. In fact, it’s not just that they dislike it; the idea of ​​being forced to do things for others because of a specific date goes completely against their ego.

Due to cultural or religious expectations, they are implicitly required to dedicate at least part of their day to serving others. The whole thing is incredibly exhausting for them.

“What’s in it for me?” – That’s what every narcissist ever says!

To maintain their facade, a narcissist has to make a double effort on those days to avoid losing control; otherwise, their behavior will become obvious.

If you observe a narcissist closely at private events that don’t involve them, you’ll notice a subtle undertone of anger, resentment, and distress. They typically spend their day on edge, and you can’t predict when their anger will erupt.

They Lack Empathy and Compassion

A healthy person would find it difficult to understand how someone could deliberately ruin another person’s special moment without feeling any guilt, wouldn’t they?

The flaw in a narcissist’s personality lies in their disconnection from their true self. Our true self is the part responsible for authenticity, empathy, compassion, and kindness. It is the essential element that allows us to be truly human.

Without a connection to their true self, they are completely controlled by their ego. And ego can only exist within a framework of competition, selfishness, greed, and manipulation.

This explains why narcissists are able to commit such heinous acts without the slightest remorse or guilt. Ego doesn’t feel guilty about its victory and protecting itself at any cost; it simply feels superior because it has triumphed.

Related : Do Narcissists Cry? Yep! (10 Facts)

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s helpful to remember that you are not dealing with a complete person, but rather an incomplete and fragmented one. They lack the capacity to be truly human, honest, and fully responsible for themselves and their existence.

Narcissists lack empathy and will try to destroy anyone who criticizes them or threatens their inflated ego.

Don’t expect any remorse or apology from a narcissist. They don’t care and feel no regret.

Different Ways Narcissists Ruin Special Occasions

Complete Ignoring

A narcissist might completely ignore you and your special day to emphasize that you’re not important and that they won’t celebrate your day.

If you live with them, they might “forget” your birthday or anniversary. When you remind them, they’ll make you feel small and dependent because you expect anything from them. Or they might change their story and blame you for ignoring or forgetting.

They choose not to celebrate you or show you gratitude because they don’t genuinely feel those feelings.

A narcissist doesn’t value you; they expect things from you in exchange for being special, superior, and amazing.

Even though they’ll ruin your day, it’s best to spoil them on theirs! My ex even made us re-celebrate his birthday once because he didn’t feel “special” enough. I wish I was joking…

TakeControlOfThePlanning

Since any special occasion has to revolve around the narcissist or no one at all, some narcissists will completely monopolize the planning for such events. The most ardent and dedicated narcissists often fall into this category.

If it’s a group or family event, they’ll want total control over all the plans (food, drinks, venue, guest list, etc.). You can bet the plans almost always go in the narcissist’s favor.

If they want to host the party at their house, good luck to anyone who tries to suggest another venue. If they decide on the food, they’ll manipulate anyone who might want to choose a different option. They’ll hound that person and convince them that their plan is the best, and they won’t stop until they give in.

They make no effort

In contrast to the manipulative narcissists, there are the lazy, contemptuous narcissists who, frankly, don’t care about all the fuss.

These are often the covert narcissists who don’t help with cooking or cleaning. They expect everything to be handed to them at any event or party without lifting a finger.

They might not even bother to buy a gift, or they might claim they “forgot” or “didn’t know what to buy,” just to avoid doing anything.

These are the narcissists you’ll often find sitting in a corner, complaining constantly, ruining the atmosphere for everyone around them.

Playing_the_Victim

The narcissist is adept at playing the victim on a day that isn’t theirs. Their goal is clear and simple: to exploit the sympathy of others and divert attention from their special day to themselves.

They might use an illness, the death of someone they know, or even job loss to play the victim. Or it might be much simpler than that. Blaming the weather or a finger injury could be used as an excuse for his bad mood, just to make himself look like a victim.

They’ll unleash all their painful childhood stories about being abandoned by their father at Christmas. Or they might tell you they can’t enjoy the occasion because it reminds them of a deceased friend.

Narcissists are chronic liars, meaning they consciously lie to manipulate others for their own gain. You might be able to add a few half-truths to their stories… or maybe not.

Don’t let narcissists’ hurtful tales ruin your holiday or special day!

Be Late Or Never Attend

Some narcissists arrive late to birthday parties or events and expect a large entourage. You’re lucky they found time in their busy schedules to add you!

Another tactic is to simply not show up because they want people to fawn over them and connect with them. Remember, for a narcissist, a birthday isn’t for the birthday person, it’s for them.

If someone messages them to check on them, they might play the victim to elicit sympathy. Or if no one pays attention to him, he’ll feel intensely resentful towards everyone, especially the person celebrating the holiday.

In either case, he acts like a big kid making a huge fuss because no one noticed him!

It’s all about draining his narcissistic energy (life energy) from others.

Disconnect

During the holiday season, parties and events abound. Narcissists love this time of year if they have many social commitments because it makes them feel more important and special.

They might go from party to party, not returning home for days. They’ll expect you to keep running the house, raising the children, and making sure everything is done while they enjoy themselves.

If you try to express your feelings of neglect or their shortcomings in household chores, they’ll turn the tables on you and blame you.

“You’re so selfish. I’ve worked so hard all year for this!”

“Oh, it’s all about you, isn’t it?”

What, don’t I even get to celebrate with my colleagues?

“You can go out with your friends, I won’t stop you” (even though you’re stuck at home with all the kids and responsibilities).

Selfishness in Giving and Receiving Gifts

Narcissists completely ruin special occasions with the gift-giving process.

They either give gifts that they themselves like, not the recipient’s, and if that person dares to point out that it doesn’t suit their taste, they’ll be met with “You’re so ungrateful!”

Or they give gifts that make them look good, to feed their narcissism with the attention and admiration they receive. With this type of gift, expect the narcissist to tell you exactly how much it cost. By revealing its value, they often set you up to feel indebted to them for their generosity. It’s definitely not a one-off deal!

When narcissists give lavish gifts, they’re trying to draw attention to their supposed generosity. If they don’t receive the expected praise, they become deeply upset and resentful. What’s the point of all that effort if no one appreciates it?

Another way narcissists ruin special occasions and birthdays is by complaining about their gifts. If they don’t like them, they’ll tell you quite plainly that they’re unsuitable in terms of size, shape, smell, or color, and they won’t show any appreciation for the effort you put in.

How Narcissists Ruin Gift-Giving Occasions:

Complaining about what they received or didn’t receive

Giving gifts they like, rather than what the recipient will appreciate

Giving flashy gifts simply to gain favor (plus, you’re now indebted to them)

Giving cheap, useless, and ill-considered gifts

Comparing their gifts to what others have received

Don’t bother buying gifts yourself

Preparing You for Disappointment

Manipulating future promises is a masterful narcissistic tactic, skillfully employed during holidays and special occasions.

The narcissist will use the occasion to promise you a wonderful gift, a well-deserved vacation, or a trip to visit your family. Then, at the last minute, they’ll feign illness, need to work, or lack the necessary funds.

As for the gift itself, they’ll make up an excuse for not being able to buy it, end up giving you something inferior, or you won’t receive anything at all.

They’ll make up an excuse for not being able to buy it, or they’ll end up giving you something shoddy, or you won’t get anything at all.

…You’ll be deeply disappointed, and you’ll have to cancel your plans, thus disappointing the others you arranged to meet.

Why do narcissists shower you with praise and then let you down?

To weaken your self-confidence and undermine your self-worth.

To psychologically reinforce their ability to give and take.

To get what they want in the moment (some kind of instant gratification), but they never intend to keep their promises.

To keep you hanging, waiting for more.

To give you the illusion that they’re making an effort when they’re not actually doing anything.

Exaggeration

Narcissists often use birthdays and special occasions to exaggerate their feelings toward their partner, child, or someone else. The energy behind it is malicious, and as the recipient, you often feel this unsettling sensation, even if you can’t quite pinpoint it.

You see, when a narcissist goes overboard showing interest in your special occasion, they do so to feign goodwill, concern, and generosity.

The goal is to project a false image of themselves to others, portraying themselves as the best partner, father, son, etc., in the world.

But the truth is, this outward show of kindness is completely at odds with their private treatment of others, where they engage in psychological manipulation, deception, and anger.

By reinforcing their public image as a “great” person, they make it harder for victims of abuse to believe them if they try to speak out.

Why do narcissists exploit special occasions for manipulation?

To reinforce the trauma bond by intermittently “rewarding” the victim despite their abuse.

To shower the victim with love or lure them into a cycle of abuse with gifts and attention.

To project a perfect image to the public.

This helps victims ignore the narcissist’s negative behavior by thinking, “Oh, they really do care about me after all.”

Jealousy

Another way narcissists ruin special occasions, birthdays, and holidays is through intense jealousy.

They might spend the entire day comparing their birthday to yours, accusing you of getting more than them. They’ll make you feel guilty because others are showing you love and appreciation on your special day.

The narcissist feels they deserve all the admiration and attention. How dare you steal the spotlight from them for just one day a year!

They might even feel the need to punish you for your “selfishness.” They might “accidentally” order the wrong dinner or “forget” to bring your cake.

All of this is designed to diminish you and bring you back to the level they admire you for… even to the point of making you feel inferior. They want to undermine your self-confidence so that you look up to them and worship them, not the other way around. Even if it’s just for one day a year!

Isolate Yourself

Narcissists are known for isolating their partners because it eliminates any chance for them to talk about the abuse or get support that could help them get rid of the narcissist.

Although narcissists project an image of superiority, deep down they need you, not the other way around. Without you being their constant scapegoat, they lose the source of energy (life force) they continually drain from you.

One way narcissists isolate their partners is by discrediting their family and friends. They do this subtly over time, gradually making their partner feel that their friends and/or family are against them or don’t support their relationship.

At the same time, the narcissist will make you feel like they are the only one who truly loves and supports you. This is all untrue; it only serves the narcissist’s purpose of completely controlling you and draining your energy like a vampire!

During holidays, such as Christmas, birthdays, and other special occasions, a narcissist often tries to isolate you from your friends and family. This deepens the gap between you and makes it difficult for you to connect with them.

They might complain about constantly feeling uncomfortable around your mother or that your brother deliberately provokes you into arguments.

Whatever the reason, the goal is to manipulate your perception of things and gradually push you toward their distorted reality.

Starting An Argument

A narcissist hates seeing you experience genuine happiness, so they strive to steal it away and prevent it.

Deep down, they are resentful and cruel, unable to bear seeing others happy.

“How dare someone else be the center of attention and feel happy! I should be the center of attention, not them!”

They hate it when someone or something makes you happy. This makes them feel like they’re losing control because they strive to be completely in control of you. The power to control you, whether through giving or taking, must remain solely in their hands.

If they start an argument before or during a vacation or special occasion, you won’t be emotionally free to enjoy that time. You’ll be trapped in their fantasy world, focused on them and feeding their ego.

Also, when they occupy your thoughts, you’re less likely to enjoy others and more focused on them (even if negatively).

They want to remain the center of your life… and that’s not a good thing.

How to Deal with Narcissists Who Ruin Special Occasions

If you have a narcissist in your life, you’re almost certain to encounter them ruining special occasions, birthdays, holidays, and events.

A narcissist is controlled by their ego, which needs constant feeding to satisfy their narcissistic desires.

Peace and quiet don’t satisfy a narcissist’s cravings, so creating drama and chaos is a surefire way to get what they want.

When is the best time to stir up trouble over important occasions and events?

Since a narcissist’s ego is driven by greed and selfishness, these occasions are a perfect example of how they manipulate the world around them to keep it revolving around them. Even when the day isn’t meant to be theirs, if they can make it so, their ego is inflated.

So, how do we deal with narcissists when they ruin our special occasions? Here are some tips.

Disconnect

The narcissist’s secret lies in drawing people into their stories and deceiving them. If you can disconnect from their words and actions as much as possible, you won’t feed them.

This tactic will undoubtedly infuriate the narcissist, who will then try desperately to manipulate you.

Knowing your true self and sticking to it is key. When you can understand the narcissist’s true nature and their intentions, you will simply win by not engaging.

Don’t Rely on Them

A narcissist is more likely to cancel your plans if they find a better offer that benefits them more, especially if they find a new victim.

Plan your vacation and birthday yourself without the narcissist’s interference; this way, you won’t be disappointed or angered by their sabotage attempts.

Set Your Boundaries

If you’re dealing with a narcissist you can’t avoid, especially if they’re a partner or parent, be sure to set clear boundaries.

Define what you won’t compromise on, and be prepared to withdraw or end the relationship if they keep crossing those boundaries.

If your narcissistic partner tries to blame you or pick a fight with you on your birthday, tell them you won’t spend your birthday with someone who treats you so disrespectfully. This might also be a good time to reassess your relationship with someone so selfish.

If your narcissistic mother is the one trying to control the entire birthday celebration without considering others’ wishes, tell her you need to be taken into account, or you’ll have to withdraw. It can get incredibly complicated with family, but you don’t have to put up with abuse or hurtful behavior, no matter who it is.

Let Them Drown In The Consequences

If the narcissist is determined to elicit pity or prefers to seethe with anger and resentment… let them.

Your special day is yours to enjoy however you want. If they can’t accept that, that’s their deep trauma to deal with, not yours. And we know they won’t change, but so be it.

It’s not your job to comfort the narcissist or rescue them from their pain; they’re a responsible adult, so it’s up to them.

If they try to project their distorted ideas onto you, stand your ground and don’t be fooled by their delusions.

Confront them with a kind smile and move on!