For those trapped in a painful relationship with a narcissist, unable to break free and facing years of such a relationship, the inevitable question arises: Is it possible to build a healthy relationship with a narcissist? In short, they wonder if it’s possible to steer the relationship toward a more stable path.
To answer this question, we must first define a healthy relationship. Everyone’s expectations are different, but a basic list will suffice for now. A healthy relationship includes the following:
Intimacy: Two people who see each other authentically, including their shame, negativity, hopes, and dreams. This requires mutual respect, dignity, and clear boundaries. In a healthy relationship, each person sees the truth behind the mask, or at least tries to see, understand, and deal with it. This requires openness, empathy, and patience.
Shared Shame: Two people who may try to outdo each other but choose instead to maintain balance and support one another. In a healthy relationship, each person’s dreams, desires, and need for self-actualization are valued by the other, and the relationship allows space for both of their needs to be met.
Empathy: Two people who can sense each other’s current state and adjust their behavior to maintain communication, respect, and dignity. For example, if one person is feeling down and their self-esteem is low, the other will sense this and treat them kindly, avoiding boasting about their own life until the other person recovers and is ready to receive and share.
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For those seeking to avoid abandonment and simply wanting someone to support and provide stability, a narcissist might be enough to achieve this goal. That is, if you can remain useful to the narcissist. Otherwise, there is no chance of success. Is this type of relationship healthy? No. But it fulfills a basic need: warding off the terror of loneliness.
Leaving a narcissist means breaking free from the “comfort” of the relationship and confronting your darker side. In doing so, you will be thrown into a terrifying abyss. However, you will have made room for something healthier to enter.
In short, a healthy relationship requires the courage to face vulnerability, a shared sense of shame, cooperation, and an acknowledgment of each other’s weaknesses and wounds. A healthy relationship prioritizes genuine self-actualization over narcissistic gratification—on both sides.
Is a narcissist capable of this?
