The “possession” tactic is a common one narcissists use when you escape (or try to escape) their toxic grip and they want to pull you back into their world. Just as a vacuum cleaner pulls everything in its path, the narcissist tries to do the same.
The “possession” tactic aims to force the person, through seemingly innocent and kind actions, back into a situation where the narcissist can exploit them for their own gain.
Often, the narcissist’s words or actions appear outwardly innocent. Others might even say, “How kind of them!” when you recount what they said or did. But deep down, you sense something is wrong, even if you can’t pinpoint why.
Always trust your instincts, especially when dealing with a narcissist. Your body will instinctively and consciously pick up on subtle details that your mind will automatically rationalize.
The narcissist will know you so well that they will know exactly which manipulative tactics will work on you based on your inner wounds.
Related : 9 Narcissist Blame Shifting Examples + How to Deal With Them
Whatever tactics a narcissist uses against you, know that they are emotionally manipulating you for their own benefit, with no regard whatsoever for your well-being.
Narcissists’ manipulation tactics fall into two categories:
Exploiting your emotions – using your empathy and compassion against you
Drawing you back into their web – using your fears and vulnerabilities against you
Manipulation is a highly manipulative, abusive, and selfish act. It’s difficult for an emotionally stable person to imagine that someone would deliberately try to manipulate them simply to exploit and hurt them. Welcome to the world of the narcissist.
Let’s delve into the narcissistic manipulation techniques often used to lure victims back, and how they employ these tactics to achieve their selfish gains.
Narcissist Tactics and How to Respond
Sudden Contact
Just when you think you’ve successfully moved on from the relationship, the narcissist suddenly contacts you without warning. They seem to have an uncanny ability to sense your impending departure and pounce before you can truly free yourself.
They usually send a text message or a social media message. The message may seem innocent at first glance, leaving you quite confused. Not responding might seem rude, but replying will only encourage the narcissist, which is something you should avoid at all costs.
Examples of sudden contact from a narcissist:
“Hey, I thought I just drove past your car. Were you in town?”
“I’m listening to our favorite song on the radio right now, reminiscing about the good times we spent together.”
Examples of sudden contact from a narcissist:
“Hey, I thought I just drove past your car. Were you?”
“I’m listening to our favorite song on the radio right now, reminiscing about the good times we spent together.” I heard you just lost your job. I hope you’re doing well.
[Unintelligible random text] Sorry, my niece took my phone, and it seems she sent you this message. Anyway, how are you?
I just saw a new health food café open down the street, and it reminded me of you. Have you seen it?
HowToReply
If you feel nauseous, no matter how innocent the message seems, accept it.
Know that a narcissist only contacts you in a “polite and friendly” way to exploit your sympathy. They know you’ll find it hard not to respond, and that’s precisely why they do it.
A narcissist doesn’t really care about you or anything else happening in your life. It’s simply a manipulative tactic.
Don’t respond to narcissists’ attempts to lure you in with seemingly random messages. Otherwise, they’ll be back in your life before you know it, and you’ll have to go through the process of getting rid of them all over again.
ShowYourRemorse
A narcissist might try to lure you back into their life by feigning remorse for something they said or did in the past.
They’ll say, “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. I’ve changed.”
Narcissists are born liars. They’re masters of words and psychological manipulation, not of action.
Examples of what “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. I’ve changed” actually means:
“I’m sorry” = I’m sorry I was exposed.
“I won’t do it again” = I won’t do that specific thing again; I’ll do it differently next time.
Examples of what “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. I’ve changed” actually means:
“I’m sorry” = I’m sorry I was exposed.
“I won’t do it again” = I won’t do that specific thing again; I’ll do it differently next time. “I’ve changed” = I haven’t changed; I’m not flawed. I’ll be better at manipulating things next time.
How to Respond
Even if you notice some apparent change in the narcissist’s behavior, rest assured it won’t last long.
You’ll be lucky to have a few good weeks before everything goes back to the way it was. And so, you’ll be back in the same cycle of abuse.
Don’t accept the narcissist’s insincere apology, because if you do, you’ll be seen as having forgiven them and condoning all their bad behavior.
Related : How to Stop Falling for the Wrong Things
Not only that, but the narcissist will feel resentful for having to apologize for something they don’t believe they did wrong, just to put you back where they consider you to be. You can expect to be punished for putting them in this position, and you can also expect their abuse to escalate.
Making False Promises
After feigning remorse, one of the most common narcissists use to manipulate others is making false promises. This tactic is known as “faking the future.”
Narcissists are adept at identifying your needs and hidden vulnerabilities. They know exactly what you want for your future and will paint a complete picture for you with their words.
They might promise to start a family now, even though they’ve made it clear they never wanted children. They might promise a lavish vacation or the renovations you’ve been asking for for five years!
After making material promises, they’ll exaggerate their supposed change. They might even promise to attend couples counseling sessions, which will likely lead to one of two things: either they won’t keep their promise, or if they do, they’ll manipulate the therapist and claim you have serious psychological problems that are troubling them.
Examples of feigning hope for the future:
“Let’s start trying to have a baby! I know how much you’ve wanted to be a mom/dad.”
“I’ll fix the downstairs bathroom for you.”
“I promise to go to couples therapy because I really want to work on our relationship.”
“I’ll take you on a wonderful vacation!”
How to Respond
Whatever promises a narcissist makes, they never intend to keep them. Their goal with these promises is to lure you back, not to change their behavior or take responsibility for their actions.
How to Respond
Whatever promises a narcissist makes, they never intend to keep them. If a narcissist only promises to do something they know you’ve wanted for years after you’ve left, it’s a narcissistic tactic to lure you back.
Pretend Nothing Happened
Narcissists are excellent actors. They don’t hesitate to pretend nothing happened after they’ve manipulated you psychologically, yelled at you, completely ignored you, or withheld their love.
The same principle applies when they try to lure you back into their world. You might have cut ties with the narcissist after a major argument, but they’ll happily contact you two weeks later, pretending nothing happened.
When a narcissist acts like nothing happened, it can leave you confused and wondering, “Did I make this all up?” On the one hand, you clearly remember their hateful words and actions, yet they now present themselves as kind and rational. This psychological game is designed to distort your perception of reality; it’s known as psychological manipulation.
It’s also another attempt by the narcissist to control the situation. They want to appear rational and logical so you won’t reveal their secrets to others (or so others won’t witness their true nature).
HowToRespond
If a narcissist resorts to pretending nothing happened, it’s crucial to hold onto your memory of the truth. Don’t allow the narcissist to change your reality just because it doesn’t serve their interests.
You know who you are, so don’t let them distort it.
It’s helpful to have a supportive person to talk to who can reassure you that you’re not crazy. This will help you stay grounded in your own reality, not the narcissist’s distorted version of it.
If a narcissist tries to return to your life without taking responsibility for their actions, it’s best not to give them any time or effort. Show them, by completely withdrawing from their life, that they no longer have a place in it.
They won’t like your response because it contradicts their self-image. However, you’re not obligated to continue playing into their illusion of being perfect and infallible.
Use significant dates or occasions to contact you
Another narcissist tactic they skillfully employ is using significant dates and occasions to try and lure people into their world.
They skillfully overstep your personal boundaries, hiding behind a mask of “interest” or “support.” While they may not have genuinely shown these qualities throughout the relationship (aside from feigned expressions of love), they will masterfully feign affection if you slip from their grasp.
A narcissist might post a birthday greeting on your social media accounts or suddenly send you a congratulatory message for your wedding anniversary.
They might send the children Christmas gifts through the mail, or suddenly call to tell you their grandmother has passed away.
They may have somehow found out about your marriage or graduation. They use this occasion to send a seemingly well-intentioned congratulatory message.
No matter how well the message appears, you know deep down that it carries hidden messages. On one hand, they are trying to manipulate your kindness into letting them back into your life. On the other hand, they are making it abundantly clear that they are still aware of what’s going on in your life—there’s no escaping them.
Examples of dates and occasions that narcissists use to manipulate you:
Birthdays
Christmas/Easter/Religious holidays
Wedding anniversaries
Mother’s Day/Father’s Day
Death or illness of a loved one
Major life events/milestones (graduation, marriage, retirement, etc.)
How to respond
The best response when a narcissist uses a special occasion to try to manipulate you is not to respond at all. They have lost all right to participate in any important event or milestone in your life, and this is solely a result of their actions.
