Because of their personality and relationship patterns, communicating with a narcissist can be like climbing a mountain, or even impossible.
In interpersonal relationships, healthy communication includes the following elements:
Openness: When talking to someone, you must accept their feelings with an open mind, empathize with them, and fully understand what they are expressing.
Shared Humanity: By showing empathy and giving the other person the opportunity to express themselves authentically, you create opportunities to share their humanity. Good communication requires deep attention coupled with emotional resonance. Sometimes it simply means sharing the other person’s deepest feelings for the moment. Other times, it means being happy to share their feelings and rejoicing for them without needing validation.
Reciprocity: No one dominates the conversation. Everyone is given the emotional space and attention to participate, with the emotional intelligence to know when to stop and invite the other person to participate. Ultimately, this goes beyond simply dividing the conversation. By giving the other person the opportunity to participate, you broaden your horizons, which sparks new ideas that, in turn, can enrich the other person when it’s their turn. This positive interaction gradually builds, producing a fruitful exchange that develops each individual’s way of thinking, broadens their horizons, and enriches their spirit.
Clarity of Intention: Effective communication is free of hidden agendas and insinuations. Both parties are fully aware of the purpose of the communication. Most importantly, the communication should serve both parties, not just one. For example, the communication might be to resolve a conflict, discuss or explore a philosophical idea, strengthen a relationship, or simply pass the time. Regardless of the intention, clarity and honesty remain essential.
Now, let’s consider these four elements when communicating with a narcissist:
Emotional Openness: A narcissist’s heart is tightly closed. The more you try to express your feelings to them, the more this closure intensifies. A narcissist’s soul is steeped in trauma, and the more you ask for emotional interaction, the more distressed they become. A narcissist will typically respond by interrupting you and quickly shifting the focus to themselves. Or they might ignore, mock, or belittle what you say, attempting to sabotage any deep emotional connection between you.
Shared Humanity: Shared humanity threatens a narcissist’s ego, forcing them to retreat into their own body and soul, where their trauma resides. A narcissist will try to find common ground with you, but this is merely a pretext to shift the conversation back to themselves. For example, if you express how difficult your workday was, instead of the narcissist being considerate and giving you some space, they might suddenly nod and declare that their week was also bad, then continue talking, leaving you speechless and embarrassed.
Related : Why A Narcissist Gets Jealous
Interaction: Conversations with a narcissist are always unequal. They typically avoid the need for complete honesty by engaging in a one-sided conversation. They might also bombard you with words, forcing you to listen intently as you desperately try to participate. If you manage to regain the initiative, the narcissist will pay close attention, but only to find a loophole through which to reassert control.
Clarity of Intention: The narcissist’s primary goal is narcissistic gratification. They will welcome your intention to exchange ideas, deepen the relationship, or resolve conflicts, but this is merely an act. A narcissist only seeks to elicit your flattery and emotional energy without giving much in return. This inconsistency of intention is what makes communicating with a narcissist frustrating and uncomfortable. You often leave a conversation with a narcissist with a disturbing feeling of sadness and betrayal, as if you’ve been exploited.
Furthermore, the narcissist may be experiencing some form of emotional pain. Perhaps they have been through a traumatic experience, provoked by someone, are having a bad day, or feel insulted by your actions. In this case, their goal in communicating might be to punish you or to vent their negative emotions on you. They will then use innuendo to achieve their aim.
The narcissist’s false self is the guardian of their empty soul, controlling what enters and what is withheld. Due to repressed childhood traumas, the narcissist remains constantly vigilant, searching for any sign from you that might evoke genuine feelings and reveal their vulnerabilities.
Instead, the narcissist analyzes and categorizes every communication to ensure it is carefully crafted and limited, giving them starting points to control the conversation before using their words as a weapon to drain your narcissistic energy.
