I spent a lot of my energy pursuing what I wanted, what I needed, and what I thought was best. “Narcissism” is a term from psychopathology, but it’s basically a fancy term for extreme selfishness.
I had great relationships with great women – strong, smart, attractive females who thought I was a great man… until I suddenly pulled away, made plans without checking in, or set off to chase success, an intense experience, or another woman.
As long as my needs were met in the relationship, I was very happy. But when I wasn’t, I started looking around for the next opportunity to fulfill my desires.
My partners weren’t weak or shy, but they would often confront me about my choices and behavior. But my answer was typical of an intelligent narcissist: “If you want to be in a relationship with me, you have to accept me as I am.” And they did it – until they couldn’t take it anymore.
I felt completely vindicated in my worldview. If they can’t love me like I do, there are plenty of women who will.
Every time I messed up a personal relationship (or business), I felt bad. I realized the damage I was causing, and began looking within myself for answers in therapy, and in my men’s group. I read books and articles about narcissism and worked to change my beliefs, early programming, and social conditioning.
I knew I had to change. I wanted to learn how to truly love. To do this, I needed to learn how to be selfless.
Selfishness appears on a wide spectrum, extending from healthy self-care to moderate, socially acceptable personal goal attainment, to the extreme form of destructive narcissism—individuals who do not care about the impact of their selfish behavior on others.
We are all selfish sometimes. When you focus on taking care of yourself, or making yourself comfortable, it is a healthy form of selfishness, as long as it is not taken to extremes. Healthy people learn how to set good boundaries and pursue their own interests realistically. They develop personal respect, mature principles and can achieve their goals. Through their strong sense of self, they can form deep relationships with others.
Children are naturally selfish and self-centered, but they are expected to get rid of this selfishness. They learn that others exist independently, and that they have their own feelings and needs that must be taken into account. This early awakening enables the child to “play well with others.”
A healthy, self-focused child can grow into a healthy adult, capable of being a loving parent, a compassionate member of the community, and a trustworthy citizen. If an individual cannot make this leap into the world of “others,” he or she becomes a narcissist.
To be successful in a relationship, you must create a balance between self-oriented pursuits (such as self-care and self-development) and their opposite: care and respect for the interests and needs of the other.
We all want to be taken care of. The trick is to learn to love as an activity in which you actively engage, not as a state you expect to be drawn into. In a mature relationship, each person takes full responsibility for the entire triad: themselves, the other person, and a third entity: the relationship itself.
Relationships fail when partners focus too much on meeting their own needs, and not enough on the other’s needs. This leads to arguments about whose needs are more important – which is always harmful.
Psychologically, it is difficult to focus on the other person’s needs when your own needs attention, but if you can, your relationship deepens, and so does your ability to love.
Since safety is the key to a successful relationship, narcissism is destabilizing and damaging. A person who acts selfishly without consideration for others is unpredictable. At any time, they may suddenly focus on meeting their own needs, and withdraw from the duality of the relationship.
Ultimately, in my journey from narcissism to a healthy, loving partnership, the woman I love now was a mentor. It has shown that respecting the needs of another loved one can bring with it a strong sense of satisfaction and well-being, more so than any short-term solutions of following selfish motives.
