We, at Dear Divorce Coach, have coined the term “toxhole” to refer to a former partner who is both toxic and an a**hole as well.
There’s your ex who unreasonably dumped you or maybe didn’t even give you the satisfaction of saying goodbye. Some exes treat you terribly during the relationship. However, worse than these two exes are those who are unhappy in your relationship but are even more unhappy after the breakup.
If you don’t have children with them, it’s easy to put as much distance between yourself and them as possible and not be exposed to their negative anger. But, what if you have children and you are asked to co-parent with them, or rather, with a toxic person, you are trying to do so?
There are no easy answers but there are some coping and communication strategies you can use to make your life easier. After all, you deserve to have a life after a breakup or divorce, even if it seems like their only goal is to ensure otherwise.
Try these five strategies and tell us your story and what we can do to help. We have tools to make life better for you and your children:
- Boundaries are key.
Communicate about matters of importance to children and nothing else. Think of your new co-parenting relationship as a working relationship.
You and your ex are involved in one of the most important “corporate” relationships you will ever have as the “CEO” of your children’s childhood. Maintain a professional demeanor in email communications, be flexible and cooperative when possible, and don’t fall for any negative or punitive comments from your ex.
You wouldn’t do this at work, so don’t do it at home.
If your relationship with your ex is difficult, you probably shouldn’t text unless it’s an emergency. It’s very easy to respond with hostility right now and you should avoid that at all costs.
Your children are far more important than any business venture, so give them the respect they deserve by refusing, no matter what the temptation, to lower yourself to your ex’s level.
- Keep it simple.
When it’s clear that cooperation on your ex’s part is almost impossible, don’t keep shooting yourself in the foot by trying to get it. Create scenarios that don’t ask you to rely on them, because they will likely let you down on purpose.
If necessary, create other support systems for your children so that you don’t have to reach out to your ex when you need it — and as a human being you will need it. Align these supports now so they are ready to help when needed.
- Create a written record.
Do not rely on telephone or in-person conversations with a detoxified person. Write what you agree to in the email and save it. In case you need to remember this information, I’ve got it.
Poison piercing has been known to change his mind and/or story to make you look bad. Prevent this from happening when you can by having a clear and concise version of what happened. By the way, if you still decide to divorce or are in the midst of it, concluding simple and clear agreements with your partner is key.
Make sure you explain to your legal professional why this is necessary and that you understand what you are signing. If you don’t understand the agreement now, how will it be interpreted later?
- Do not abuse your children about the poison.
It’s tempting, that’s for sure. People with Toxholes are full of anger and contempt toward you, and will likely try to undermine what you do at every turn. They are also your child’s other parent. Your children should not be asked to choose between you no matter the circumstances.
Instead, if asked, use words like “trying to get cooperation” and “working on it” to describe how you deal with your ex. Let your children know that they can always come to you with their questions and concerns.
If there is a situation where they tell you that the poison piercing speaks poorly of you, tell your children not to worry and that you will get over it. Allow them to let go of the burden and be children.
- Get help.
Staying neutral, calm, calm, and present with your children will likely require more energy than you have on some days. You are a human being and you deserve to be treated as one. However, a poison piercing will never do that, no matter how much logic or gentle reassurance you try.
Instead, you should look elsewhere to get the support you deserve. Although friends and family may offer some, the constant nature of the poison hole’s terrible behavior can be stressful for them as well.
Find a professional, therapist, or coach who specializes in stress and trauma for help. If the situation is so severe that your children are being negatively affected, which is unusual with a toxic hole, you may need an attorney who can help you consider options for legal as well as physical custody.
It’s not you, it’s them, and regardless of your failures in the relationship, neither you nor the children deserve constant berating, anger, and non-cooperation. It could get better. Don’t be afraid to ask for the help you need.
