My friend, whom I will call Ed, kept pushing me to contribute to my school’s alumni fund. The more he called me, the more I felt like my answer was “no.”
I felt that not only did I lack the money to contribute to make a real difference, but I also knew that whatever I could offer would be paltry compared to what the fund had already raised.
Finally, Ed said, “You’re the only one who didn’t say yes.”
Maybe this was the truth. Maybe not. Knowing Ed—and his narcissistic ego—I felt that his motivation for actively pursuing my contribution had more to do with his desire to be able to say he got 100% of our class to contribute.
“I think this is the way we’ll have to leave it,” I said.
We all receive unsolicited requests from time to time. Some deal with money, and some deal with our precious time. Maybe you’re more generous than you used to be, or maybe you’re less stubborn. Your response may vary depending on the situation and whether or not you currently have the resources, capabilities, or time to commit.
Learning to say no when requests are unreasonable, impossible, or simply undesirable frees up your energy, time, and financial resources so you can say yes to those things you find truly important.
Here’s a simple two-step process for determining how and when to say “no” with confidence.
- Identify the motivational tendencies behind your difficulty in saying no.
In general, women (especially heterosexual women) find it more difficult to say no than most men. Women are more concerned with hurting other people’s feelings, and are generally more concerned about experiencing hostility or resentment from the person asking them.
You will immediately know that opportunities and issues lie within you when specific interests and motivations are identified.
One of my close friends has gathered a lot of people she calls friends. I call them takers, and sometimes narcissists. The relationships you have with these people are one-way streets with aspects of codependency – a form of relationship dysfunction in which one person’s help “reinforces” the other’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, or… “His procrastination, or his poverty. Mental or physical health.” This dynamic often leads to increased dependence on others and postponement of the other person’s progress, ultimately exhausting if not draining the giver.
A lot of my friendships were built on these “helping” relationships. Over time, I began to realize how tired I was of being the useful (if unused) person, despite satisfying my need to be a good person. I had to be honest with myself and accept how imbalanced these relationships were in order to wean myself from the habit of forming relationships with needy people.
Now that I have that, I’m able to enjoy balanced, mutually generous relationships.
And I’ve learned to ask for help myself!
Common motivations for those of us who have difficulty saying no include:
Fear of rejection
Anxiety about the perceived threat of loneliness
Preferring to be seen as necessary and desired
Conflict aversion
The desire to maintain a self-image of generosity and kindness
The need for control or superiority
- Practice the art of saying no.
My mother used to describe her sister as a doormat before “people pleasing” became a common term in our vocabulary. When people get used to having you in this role, you can expect constant requests and even hostility or resentment when you finally get your foot in the door. When you receive a response that makes you feel uncomfortable, use it as an opportunity to gather information about the foundation and value of that specific relationship.
Start by giving yourself time to think before answering. A simple phrase, “Let me think about your request. I’ll get back to you by…”, is all you need to offer initially.
Next, give meaningful consideration to the request.
Ask yourself the following:
Do I have the resources, time and energy to say yes and follow through?
If so, do I really want to do it?
How does this request align with or detract from my needs and priorities?
Will my participation really help this person, or will it perpetuate their negative habits?
How would I feel if I said yes now and found I couldn’t, or didn’t want to, comply later?
What are the worst and best things that could happen if you said no?
If you come to the conclusion that, yes, your answer is actually “no,” say so politely and firmly.
If the person making the request insists on asking you to reconsider, suggest alternative, comparable means of relief – all at once. Then, simply repeat your refusal in a firm and pleasant manner as many times as necessary.
When the request comes as part of a pattern of someone relying on you, insist on setting a time and place to discuss the situation. Before having this conversation, take time to organize and clarify your responses, as well as to determine the outcome you want to achieve.
Here are some questions you should ask yourself:
What is the meaning and value of this relationship to me?
What am I willing to do (and what am I not willing to do) in order to maintain and improve it?
If the applicant has power over you, you can also outline a range of alternatives, ask for clarification of previously agreed priorities that may need to be revisited, or offer an either/or choice (e.g. should I do this or that?).
