Are you worried because you haven’t found love yet? Being single for a certain period of time has its benefits. I’ve personally experienced the most growth and self-awareness during my years as a single girl, and while there have been some painful and lonely moments, they’ve all led me to a place where I can breach some of my walls and do some necessary inner work.

At the same time, most people don’t make it their goal to be forever single. Most of us want love and a partner to share our lives with, but we’re mistakenly trying to achieve that thing we want so much in all the wrong ways. We continue to live life the same way and hope that it will somehow lead to different results. We know this doesn’t really make any sense, yet we continue to operate from our inherent default setting.

Being single isn’t a curse and being in a relationship isn’t a cure-all. No matter what stage of life you’re in, it’s important to take a personal inventory—to look at which habits and choices help you and which ones hurt you. It’s not about showing yourself more or signing up for every side-scrolling dating site and app — finding a truly amazing, healthy relationship is about being ready for one. It is about identifying the wrong patterns and thought processes that may be preventing you from getting what you want.

To solve a problem, you need to understand it. So let’s take a look at some of the main reasons why you should stay single when you don’t want to be, and what you might be doing unintentionally to push love away.

(And before we get started, I just want to say that my goal is not to shame or blame anyone. I’m not trying to blame you; I’m just going to discuss some of the most common areas I’ve seen women make mistakes in their pursuit of love.)

Here are 6 reasons why you haven’t found love yet:

1. You are too needy
   There is no quicker way to repel a man than to need him. Desiring a man is not the same as wanting. Wanting is one of the main reasons for not finding love yet.

Neediness is a state of mind where you feel incomplete, or that you have an emotional void, and you try to fill that empty space with a relationship or validation from a man. Many women confuse men’s aversion to need with men’s supposed aversion to commitment. But guys aren’t afraid of commitment (at least, the majority aren’t). A man will happily enter into a relationship with a woman who sees and appreciates him for who he is. On the contrary, a man runs away from a woman who sees it as an opportunity to feel good about herself or to fill some void.

A man wants to feel that he was chosen by a woman whom he had to win over. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s filling a spot that could have easily passed on to any other guy with the pulse.

Read : When Your Soulmate is not Single, It Might Actually Be A Good Thing

Solution: Neediness usually stems from a lack of self-esteem or a sense of worth. You feel that something is missing in yourself or in your life and you mistakenly believe that a relationship will be the cure. If you were unhappy before the relationship, you won’t be happy in it. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself for being single, work on your relationship on your own. Work on feeling your best and looking your best. When you’re at your best, you won’t be able to turn men away!

2. You are very picky
   Most women are usually on one extreme or the other: desperate and ready to put up with anything, or very selective and unwilling to “settle” anything less than the man of their dreams.

In this day and age, we are imbued with unrealistic love epics and have developed an idea of what love should be like and not what love is, as I discussed in Chapter Two. We are told that love conquers all, but in truth, love alone does not make for a good, healthy relationship. (I mean, every single couple loved each other at some point.) We want to get swept off our feet and control this excessive sense of euphoria and harmony. If we didn’t feel intense on the first date, we’d write the guy off and say there was no “spark.”

Another problem is that most women have sometimes adopted the inflexible notion that “it’s better to be alone than to settle down.” Taken to the extreme, this mindset causes many women to close off to men with amazing traits simply because there is a superficial flaw that disqualifies him from being the man of their dreams. The longer you’re single, it can get worse because you might start telling yourself, “Well, I’ve waited this long to find the one, I don’t give up on anything and I deserve to have exactly what I want!”

It’s good to have standards and have an idea of the kind of person you want to be with, but it’s also important to be a little flexible and realize that you may not get everything you want, which doesn’t mean you’re settling.

Read : 10 Soulmate Love Myths You Need To Stop Believin

Maybe you don’t like his job, maybe you don’t like the way he dresses, maybe you think his hobbies are lame. This may all be true, but it’s important to realize that these things don’t tell you who he is, and he could be a wonderful, kind, and caring person.

The solution: List three non-negotiable qualities you need in a man. This does not include things like how much money he makes or how backward his hairline is. Money won’t make for a happy marriage, nor a full head of hair, a chiseled jaw, or six-pack abs. You obviously want to be attracted to your husband, but try not to get caught up in the physical details. Also, write down three trade-offs. This will help you gain clarity and perspective and take you away from relying on the long dating checklist you may have formed in your mind.

Then, when you’re going out with a guy and you don’t feel that all-consuming spark, don’t write him off. Unless there is something that totally shocks you about him, give him another chance. Too many women are too quick to dismiss a guy before really giving him a fair chance. I know more stories than I can even count women who went on some dates with men who eventually married. Who knows where they would end up if they hadn’t given their future spouses another shot.

My husband doesn’t have some major qualities that I’ve been swearing up and down that I can’t live without. With our relationship, I can now see how the type of guy I thought I wanted would be a disaster when combined with my personality type. Like most people, I thought I knew myself better than I really did. I realize now each day, with increasing awe, how wrong I was about what I thought I needed, being with someone who couldn’t have been more suitable for me.

When you open your mind a little bit, you may find yourself very surprised!

3. You didn’t work on your own
   The first way to attract love is to make yourself into a vessel that can receive it.

A successful relationship comes down to two things: The right person at the right time. The first thing to remember when it comes to relationships is that in general, like attracts like. This is what you are or think you will attract.

If you don’t value yourself, you’ll go for someone who doesn’t treat you well, and you’ll be okay with that because it only validates how you feel about yourself.

If you are emotionally unavailable, you will attract an emotionally unavailable man. Now, you can be in a relationship and at the same time be unavailable in your own way. If you fear getting hurt or feel like the men you want will always leave you, you may be subconsciously putting up walls to protect yourself.

In order to attract a real relationship, you first need to make sure that you are in the right place emotionally. Make sure you want a relationship for the right reasons, not just to fill a void or to make you feel better about yourself. You also need to develop a solid sense of who you are and learn how to be happy without a relationship.

Read : The 5 Stages of Love: Why Too Many Stop at Stage 3

It may seem like finding a great guy who loves you and sticks around, when others can’t or won’t, will take the sting out of the previous rejection, but it doesn’t work that way. If you are still holding on to past hurts, this will extend to your relationships in the present.

Good self-esteem attracts someone who is capable of not only healthy interactions but also of loving you for who you are. If you are not sure inside, you will seek validation outside.

Solution: I have a friend who asks herself every day, “Do I want to date you today?” I think it’s a pretty great exercise and will help you see what you’re short on and what you need to work on.

If you want a man who is healthy, confident, and emotionally stable, you need to make sure that you reflect those qualities on the same level. I mean, why would a guy like that want to be with someone who’s an emotionally insecure mess? If you want this kind of guy, you need to be that kind of girl.

Once you are in that place where you are your best self and reflect the qualities you desire, you will notice an immediate change in your love life; You will find that you can easily get the kind of man and type of relationship you have always wanted. This path is different for everyone, but try as much as you can to figure out the best path for you.

4. You want men who don’t want you

One of the biggest obstacles standing in your way and preventing you from getting the relationship you want is wanting men who don’t want you. It is an ubiquitous phenomenon. Every day my inbox gets flooded with questions from women plotting and devising strategies to pick up a guy who just doesn’t seem to want to be captured…at least not by her.

Read : 7 Ways People Who Have Been Emotionally Abused Love Differently

I’m an expert on the subject because for many years, the only guys who had any kind of intrigue for me were the ones I couldn’t quite get over. And those who were head over heels in love with me and willing to do anything for me? Bleach, I didn’t want them. I wanted them and all they had to offer, but I didn’t. And the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

Before I started dating my husband, I dated a guy I’ll call Kevin. Kevin was another classic case of the type of guy I just couldn’t resist. He was charming, charismatic, confident, fun, and always a little above my fist. He also had some deep rooted emotional issues to deal with and some major commitment issues.

He was a classic “tort case,” a guy with a lot of potential hidden under a pile of cases. A “bad boy” who needs redemption. And like many women, I wanted to be his therapist, the woman who inspired him to break through his walls and finally commit.

Damage cases are like a very uncomfortable pair of shoes. When you look at them, they are amazing – they are beautiful, sexy and a must have. But when you wear it, it hurts. Then you take them off and experience the feeling of euphoria, which is the most wonderful feeling. But that feeling doesn’t come from gaining something positive, it comes from removing something negative – pain. This experience is the same as dating an unavailable guy.

It seems to be everything you want, so you just can’t resist it. But when you have it, you feel pain and discomfort. Your stomach is in knots while you wait for the next text, or an indication that he really cares. Then he gives you some sort of sign that he does, and you’re high; Feel the rush of euphoria. But then it backs off again and you’re wearing those unbearable shoes. Then come back, and rest. And over and over again.

When I was younger, I kept chasing the pinnacle of removing those painful shoes. And I thought, if only X happened, I’d have this shoehorn off forever. As I got older, I realized I didn’t want to be on this roller coaster anymore. I decided that a comfortable pair of shoes that gave me the support I needed and a constant sense of comfort was far better than a fitful shock of relief.

Kevin was the catalyst for this realization. It’s been a while since I’ve chased after a tort issue, and I thought I had nipped this problem in the bud until he came and twisted it all like a pretzel. It was devastating on so many levels, especially for myself! I mean, I should have known better at that point — I was an expert on relationships for crying out loud!

Read : 7 Ways People Who Have Been Emotionally Abused Love Differently

The Solution: After a series of disappointments, of high hopes and thinking things would be different, followed by crushing disappointment and feeling like a fool for once again believing the same story would have a different ending, I made the firm decision to end this cycle for good. To make a permanent change that would lead me to the kind of love and relationship I really wanted. I would finally find out why I kept going after guys who didn’t want me.

After Kevin crushed me again, I decided to sit down and ask myself some really tough questions. What was I getting out of this relationship? Why was I drawn to him even though I objectively knew he wouldn’t make a good long-term partner? What did he even give me? I’ve done so much for him, but what has he really done to show me he cares? (The answer was nothing.)

I wasn’t getting anything out of the relationship except for quick snaps of momentary checking whenever he seemed to reciprocate my interest, which was pretty sad. Then I realized I’m not the kind of person who needs that kind of thing anymore. Maybe I did when I was younger, but I’m not that girl anymore, and I need to repeat history in order to subconsciously mend some old wounds.

After that I looked into why I still went back to Kevin even though it was clear the relationship was at an impasse. I thought long and hard about what I was getting from it that kept drawing me back in, and the answer passed validation. I realized that with Kevin I didn’t feel alone and perhaps a little misunderstood. Like me, he was a little lost and in pain, and that made me feel better about my world of loss and pain.

I also thought about what I was bringing to the relationship (if you can call it that) and why. Why were you so invested in solving his problems? Why was I so caught up in getting into his head? The reason, I think, is that getting lost in a drama was an escape from dealing with a drama. I got a reprieve from my own life and my own problems, one of which was why I’m drawn to tort issues like Kevin! I felt like I had a mission and a purpose, and that felt kind of nice…at least for a while.

Read : 5 Ways To Handle A Non-Committal Guy

Once I saw the situation for what it was, it lost all attraction for me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that I couldn’t get him to commit the way I wanted to, I felt sorry for him for having so many issues, issues that kept him from committing to an amazing woman who was right in front of him.

Soon after all of this was processed and healed, my high school sweetheart, who I never really got over, reappeared. On our first date, I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was really smitten, that he had graduated from tort (when he was 17) to husband material, that he took me seriously, and that I could trust him. There was no chase, no manhunt, no guessing games. I knew how he felt. I didn’t even have to ask, it was so obvious. And I knew I was cured of my addiction because of the damage because the fact that he wanted me didn’t turn me off. Instead it made him more attractive.

And now we are married! (And in case you were wondering, Kevin is still as single and commitment-phobic as ever… However, I still run into him here and there, and we’re friendly. I can’t help but laugh to myself when I think of all the inner turmoil he’s caused… Although he was also the catalyst that got me emotionally ready to be in a relationship with my husband, so I probably owe him a thank you!)

Remember that spoilage is a waste of time and energy. Desiring a man who doesn’t want you is a tragedy. Wasting time is precious, so get to work and undo the wrong wires that lead you to guys who don’t appreciate you.

More than anything else, the path that leads to lasting love involves making yourself a vessel to receive love. If you only want guys who don’t want you back, you’re off, so make the decision, right here and now, to push yourself to break free and remove all obstacles that stop you from getting what you truly want.

5. Faulty filter systems
   A bad filter system sets you up for failure before your relationship has a chance to take off, even if it has come this far.

Each person has an inherent filtering system. This system is due in part to genetic wiring, but is largely shaped by our experiences. This filtering system is often based on our interests, desires, and fears. For example, if you fear rejection, all you will pick up on is rejection. A hundred people can tell you how great and wonderful you are, but it won’t sink. All that will stand out to you is the one person who doesn’t seem to be interested in you.

If you put ten people in a room and have them listen to a class and then finally ask them what the class is about, you will get ten different answers. The reason is that we focus on the things that appeal to us and serve our interests in some way and ignore the rest. What is emphasized and what is ignored varies from person to person.

Read : 8 Truths You Must Accept To Find True Love

So how does this affect your relationships?

Your reality is created in large part by your filter system. If you believe that the people you want will never want you, you will find justification for that fear even if it is far from the case. Once you anticipate behavior, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Whether consciously or unconsciously, you will begin to act in a way that irritates men (this may be very subtle and may not match anything you say or do), thus fueling your original fear. If you fear that your boyfriend will never commit the way you want him to, you will ignore all of his signs of commitment and just focus on the signs that he doesn’t want to commit. Your fear will manifest itself in behavior such as clinging tightly to the relationship or being wary of its inevitable end, which in turn will lead to the breakup of the relationship. (I’m not talking about situations a guy obviously wouldn’t, like a guy not calling you his girlfriend after a long period of time. I’m talking about more subtle signs.)

If you think you’re unattractive, you’ll ignore everyone who compliments you on your looks and write them off because they’re just a nice guy. When someone says something implying that they don’t find you attractive, you will hold on to it and use it as proof of your original belief.

We have an innate need to justify our thinking patterns, even if those patterns don’t serve us in a positive way.

Want proof? Close your eyes and choose a color. Visualize the color in your mind, picture items in that color, see yourself dressed in that color, think about the feelings the color evokes. Spend about 30 seconds to a minute doing this and then open your eyes, what was the first thing you saw? I guarantee it will be this color unless you do it in an all white room. If we focus on something, even if it is for less than a minute, our mind is programmed to pick it up.

We are all passionate about looking at the world in subjective ways. Reality is not objective. It is shaped by what happens to us and how we interpret the things that happen to us.

Solution: In order to have more success in love and relationships, you need to adjust your filtering system so that you see the good around you. You need to be able to appreciate and acknowledge the kindness that is in you and in your relationship. If you allow your fears to run the show, you will be setting yourself up for sabotage.

First, you need to get rid of the wrong thought patterns. Anytime a negative thought comes into your mind (I’ll never find a boyfriend…I’ll end up alone…guys always leave me), root it out and tell yourself the opposite. This doesn’t just apply to relationships, it applies and can be used to improve all areas of your life. Our thoughts have a huge impact on the way we feel, and since we can control what we think our thoughts are a very powerful tool once we start using them.

I’m also a huge fan of keeping a gratitude journal. Write down one or two things each day that you are grateful for (and choose different things each day). This will retrain your mind to focus on the good. It may sound cheesy, but I’ve been doing this exercise and recommending it to readers all the time, and the results are truly transformative.

6. The former worker
   Most of us are unaware of all the ways our past can bleed into our present – and even our future – if left unchecked. Your ex is another biggest reason for not finding love yet.

I’ve been hurt a lot over the years, and I’m so grateful for it. The pain served me well because it gave me invaluable insights into relationships (and provided me with a ton of content to write about!) but I also got to a point where I realized how unaddressed and left it all was. Some of those toxic bags.

They say time heals all wounds, but I find that this is only partly true. Time makes you forget or makes memories more distant, but it doesn’t automatically heal the wounds you leave behind. Healing from a devastating breakup is not a passive process. It’s something you need to actively work at.

The relationship will unfold in only one of two ways: it will either last forever or it will fall apart. In order to have a relationship that lasts, you have to come to terms with everyone who hasn’t.

Read : Why You’ll Regret Losing The Woman Who Waited For You To Grow Up

When I first started dating my husband, even though I felt very certain about his intentions, I had a really hard time fully trusting him and the relationship. And most importantly, I had a hard time trusting and appreciating myself. Even though I knew my fears had absolutely nothing to do with him, I just couldn’t get past them.

I knew these feelings were coming from me because he did nothing to make me think he was anything other than fully committed to making the relationship work. But sometimes small seemingly innocent things can trigger my fears and insecurities. For example, anytime he tries to reassure me by saying, “I’m not going anywhere,” I’ll feel
My guard reflexively comes on and I’ll become a little distant, closed off, and uncomfortable. He was understandably hurt by this and thought I didn’t believe or trust him, but that wasn’t the case.

With a little self-reflection I was able to pinpoint exactly why this is happening. You see, Eric used to say that line any time my insecurities flared up. And I believed him. Those words gave me an immediate sense of calm and security (it didn’t last long because it wasn’t the right relationship after all), but it temporarily eased my fears. Although the relationship was far from ideal, I thought he would never leave. I thought he couldn’t live without me, just as I couldn’t live without him or understand the world without him in it.

The relationship had its ups and downs…and although the breakups became more frequent and prolonged, I thought we’d be able to get through it. I thought we were in it together and we’d make it work. But we didn’t. Instead, my biggest fear became reality… He left me for someone else and showered her with all the love he was never able to give me. To say I was broken does not do justice to the state I was in. Rather than process what happened, I participated as if there was no tomorrow. I made sure not to leave an open space for pain to creep in. I was going, going, going, and I didn’t have time to stop. No time to think or, worst of all, to feel.

Read : Is Boredom In Marriage A Cause For Concern? How To Fix It

In the ensuing years I have grown more solid and my heart is now open unable to feel anything for any man I am dating. One by one it was hard for me, but I wouldn’t feel a thing. There were a few guys who managed to stir something up in me, and I would fall inexplicably fast and hard. My stomach would be in knots waiting for the next text, I would endlessly analyze everything he did to determine if he liked me or not, and would constantly plan and plan what I would say and do to win him over. but
Nothing came of those “relationships” – which saved me from falling apart – because the only men who could make me feel anything were the emotionally unavailable ones.

My objective mind could not see this, because my attraction to these men was rooted in my subconscious mind. He instilled in my last relationship a belief that I wasn’t worthy of love, that I would never get the man I wanted, that no one would love me right… So I looked for men who were nowhere to love anyone, really, and it was proven right time and time again. Here’s the thing about the subconscious mind, it’s always seeking validation, even if it’s in the form of painful reality.

What happened to me is something that happens to many women after a toxic relationship and crushing breakup: I internalized false beliefs about myself and never challenged them.

After nearly a decade of a relationship that broke me, I realize how deep the scars can be. I realized I had held a set of beliefs about myself that were sabotaging my efforts to find the love I always wanted. So I decided to go deeper into the darkness to get rid of these beliefs. I looked at that relationship through an objective lens and realized that the way it unfolded had absolutely nothing to do with who I really was.

Read : 10 Soulmate Myths To Stop Believing To Discover Your Ideal Partner

At the time, I thought he left me because I wasn’t good enough… because I was unlovable… because I wasn’t worthy. I also stopped trusting my own judgment. I stayed with him even though he was clearly bad for me. I trusted him based on the few words of affirmation he would offer when I was feeling insecure and I ignored all the bright red flags. How can I trust myself not to make the same mistake again? As a result, she becomes a woman who believes she can’t trust her own instincts, and she can’t trust men, who can’t open up and be vulnerable and let anyone else in.

As I wrote before, good relationships show all unresolved problems. Even though I did a lot of inner work before I started dating my husband, there was a lot more that needed to be done. It started with the realization that this relationship is the exact opposite of the previous one, and I’m a completely different person now, so it’s silly to think I’ll repeat the same mistakes.

The subconscious mind does not operate from a place of reason and logic, it operates from a place of emotion. What I needed to understand was that although some things felt real (like he was going to leave me out of the blue one day, and I needed to be on my guard at all times lest I miss some warning signs), it wasn’t realistic. Feelings are not facts, and when you look at a situation objectively, you often see how ridiculous and unfounded your beliefs are.

Once I realized what was going on, I was able to challenge some of those old misconceptions and replace them with newer, happier realities. I was finally able to relax and let love go. The guy noticed the change right away, and our relationship improved dramatically.

Solution: If you’ve been hurt in the past, try to see if you can identify any old wounds you still carry with you. Think about how you interpreted the situation at the time and see if you can spot any false beliefs about yourself that may have arisen. Then do whatever you need to correct these. It isn’t always easy but it’s worth it.

Are you the one who has not found love yet? Can you relate to the reasons?