Are you bored in your marriage? Boredom in marriage can be a huge and insidious deal-breaker, but the good news is that you can fix it and find yourself and that love again.
Boredom can make you feel miserable in your marriage. Studies have found that marital boredom is a problem that causes couples to lose interest in their relationships, experience relationship problems, and experience difficulties in marriage. In fact, boredom is linked to the infamous “7-year itch.”
Researcher Terri Orbuch, PhD, and his team discovered that couples who were bored in Year 7 were significantly less satisfied in Year 16.
Psychologist Arthur Aron sought a solution and discovered that increased anxiety and adrenaline from physical or physiological arousal can lead to sexual attraction towards the person you were with at the time.
Circumstances like this make you feel vulnerable with your spouse, which in turn deepens the bond you share.
Related: The Dance Between Intimacy and Independence in Marriage
My marriage is boring!
Before I sold my brokerage firm, I started a program called marriage mediation for couples who, even though they are in the process of divorcing, are still in love.
The couples I worked with were getting divorced because they saw it as the only way to solve their marriage problems.
When these couples looked back on when the marital unhappiness began, most complained of boredom. For some, it leads to relationships, others make friends a priority, drink more, work longer hours, and travel for work when they don’t need to.
Essentially, these couples looked for ways to avoid boredom at home and with each other. In the process, he drove them further apart.
Can my marriage be saved?
If your husband wants a divorce, or your wife wants a divorce, don’t panic. It could save your marriage.
In marriage mediation, the partner who initiated divorce proceedings (the “departing” spouse) is usually more emotionally detached. To save their marriage, it was necessary for the departing spouse to be placed in a situation that would cause feelings of extreme vulnerability while the other spouse provided comfort.
In order for mediation to continue in the marriage, they were required to choose an activity that the leaving spouse would find terrifying. This must be done within two weeks. This showed me that they were serious about fixing the marriage.
When you put someone in a situation that leads to vulnerability, the body reacts by sending out a wave of chemicals that make you feel close to the person you’re with. This emotionally and chemically re-engaged the departed spouse and changed his view of marital problems.
This exercise was powerful! By making the departing spouse feel emotionally reconnected, it also changed their view of the solvability of their problems. Feeling more connected also gave them a sense of more control over managing their issues.
Related: 10 Soulmate Myths To Stop Believing To Discover Your Ideal Partner
Rosemary and Dan
When Rosemary and her husband, Dan, began marriage mediation, she was the one who wanted to end the marriage. We discussed high anxiety activities that they should do as a task to make her feel more connected to Dan.
She expressed a love for singing but was immobilized by the idea of doing it in public. This was the perfect activity. They made a plan. For the next few nights, they were looking for karaoke bars where she could sing.
She emailed me a few days later, saying that for every minute they planned, her anxiety was skyrocketing. She also mentioned the amount of reassurance and comfort she received from Dan during the process.
They decide to find a karaoke bar outside of town to avoid running into someone they know. They packed their bags, got on the ferry, and headed to a quaint little town on Catalina Island off the coast of San Diego.
Once in their room, she breaks down and starts crying, telling him she can’t go through with it. He held her tight, and when her tears were over, she bargained with him.
If he agrees to sing a duet, you will have the courage to sing. And they did. They took turns singing the lines and with a trembling voice I clung to his hand for support.
When they arrive at their next marriage mediation appointment, they are united and excited to look for new solutions to fix their problems.
How can I fix my marriage? Now it’s your turn: heal the relationship
If you are feeling bored in your marriage, unhappy, or feeling distant from your spouse, then you need to give this exercise a try. To get started, work separately to answer the following two questions.
Write down 5 activities that cause you a lot of anxiety.
List 5 activities that cause you a lot of anxiety.
Once you’re done, sit down and compare notes. Are there any items you both mentioned? If so, circle them. Now is the time to plan. Pick one activity that each of you is afraid to do.
To maximize the bonding benefits that come from anxiety, you’ll need to take your time planning out the details of each activity.
Fear-inducing activities to strengthen bonds
If you’re having a hard time coming up with an activity, take a look at the ideas below. One will definitely send a wave of bonding chemicals through you and your partner’s body.
In the left column, you’ll see a list of common concerns. Find something your partner is most afraid of. Or, if you’re less involved in marriage, choose an item that terrifies you. Next, look in the right column for a sample of how to create the fear-inducing activity with your partner.
Related: 13 Ways To Keep The Thrill In Your Relationship
To maximize your anxiety attachment connection, follow the steps below.
- Talk about the activity. The more often you do it, the more anxiety it causes for a partner who doesn’t feel comfortable with the activity. Remember that anxiety is the key to strengthening your connection.
- Find the subject of your activity in advance to start the gates of fear.
- Create a detailed hierarchical list of scary things about the feared activity (i.e. flying). Make your list start with low-anxiety items (packing, making reservations, driving to the airport) to high-anxiety (waiting to board, taxing the runway, getting around the cabin, takeoff, landing).
- Make a list of ways that provide comfort to your partner (holding hands, rubbing the neck, offering reassuring words). When your partner’s anxiety occurs, it’s your job to make them feel better.
- When the day comes, you’ll want your partner to do (or imagine the activities associated with the scary activity). Start with the first item (least anxious) on the list (packaging). You’ll continue to work your way up the anxiety list, alternating with relaxing behaviours.
For example, if your partner’s anxiety starts to increase while you’re packing, it’s your job to be reassuring. Once your partner’s anxiety starts to subside, it’s time to go back to bringing the anxiety-inducing activity back on. If the anxiety becomes too great to continue, you can stop. The goal is not to finish the list, but to build a stronger emotional connection between the two of you.
