The cycle of glorification, belittling, and abandonment in narcissists has become common knowledge among narcissism researchers and victims of narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists begin powerfully and then disappear in the most brutal and horrific ways imaginable for several key reasons. First, the narcissist carries immense, complex traumas, and their entire existence is based on avoiding them. As a result, they resort to fantasy to imagine themselves as superior and exceptional in order to compensate for feelings of shame, and they offer the same illusion to potential partners. This is why they engage in excessive glorification, as this energy is fueled by profound trauma. The belittling and abandonment phases are equally intense, as they too are fueled by trauma.
However, while fantasies add a pleasurable element to the glorification phase, abandonment becomes painfully real. That is, when their fantasy collapses, the narcissist’s repressed traumas resurface with tremendous force. In a desperate attempt to prevent their inflated, false self-image from collapsing, the narcissist severs ties with others as if amputating a gangrenous limb to stop the bleeding.
Another reason the narcissist goes through the cycle of glorification, devaluation, and abandonment is a reenactment of the same relationship cycle they experienced with their mother. All children begin by glorifying their mothers, who gradually become attached to reality in a loving way, leading to the painful realization that the mother is not perfect, but human.
The child who glorifies a troubled mother who doesn’t see, love, accept, or celebrate them is suddenly and brutally thrust into the harshness of reality. And what is this reality? Simply put, their mother is emotionally unavailable, and perhaps even abusive. To cope with the horror of this reality, the wounded child abandons their human mother, creating an inflated, false self-image to alleviate the pain of neglect, rejection, and being ignored. As a result, the narcissist is born, and with them begins the cycle of glorification, devaluation, and abandonment.
All our relationships tend to follow patterns rooted in our first relationship with our parents, and the same is true for narcissists. Just as that first relationship ended in abandonment, so do the others, in a vicious cycle of compulsive repetition.
A Never-Ending Cycle of Destruction
As narcissists reach adulthood, they leave behind a trail of pain and suffering, having seduced numerous friends, partners, and lovers before cruelly abandoning them.
With the rise of the sexual liberation movement, the endless options offered by online dating, and the contemporary decline of the institution of marriage, this cycle is repeating itself at a much faster pace. Moreover, it has become easier than ever to relocate and settle elsewhere, further intensifying this dynamic. On top of all that, even the family unit is disintegrating in our globalized world, making it easier to abandon the family altogether.
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However, this societal breakdown is not uniform. There remain bastions of tradition and rigidity, where commitment to spouse and loyalty to the clan remain strong—strong enough to resist the immense pressure of the narcissist’s cycle of glorifying, then belittling, and finally abandoning others.
Those Who Stay
In the West, marriage rates have declined significantly over the past half-century. The liberation movements led to an unprecedented rise in women’s education and income. With the radical transformation of society, freedom of choice became more widely available to all genders. In the past, divorce could lead to ostracism from one’s village or social stigma.
Now, divorce is seen as a legitimate last resort for those who desire an authentic and fulfilling life. Marriages didn’t last because they were all wonderful, but because the price of divorce was prohibitively high.
However, there are still ethnic groups that maintain the continuity of marriage. In these communities, divorce is still seen as a last resort, rejected by many. Others, in the West and elsewhere, may consider their options but see divorce as an unbearable price to pay. Chronic loneliness and financial ruin are enough to make anyone reconsider their decision. Victims of emotional and/or physical abuse are often trapped in a painful relationship, remaining in this hopeless hell for decades.
For this reason, and others, many narcissists remain in their relationships and marriages for decades, perhaps even their entire lives. This raises the question: what role does the cycle of adoration, belittlement, and abandonment play in such long-term relationships?
The Poison That Kills Slowly
All narcissistic relationships begin with glorification, regardless of their duration. The crucial difference between a complete glorification-deprecation-abandonment cycle and a cycle that never ends is that the deprecation phase lasts for years, gradually poisoning the narcissist’s partner or lover.
Narcissists who cannot or do not want to end a relationship typically do not recover over time. They do not learn to love. Instead, they become colder and more abusive.
The most addictive aspect of a narcissistic relationship is the glorification phase. The victim of narcissistic abuse is usually hungry for love, appreciation, and acceptance, and the narcissist initially offers this generously in the form of an emotional bombardment. What the narcissist’s partner does not realize is that the narcissist is projecting an idealized image onto them. The perfect person is not real; they are merely illusions in the narcissist’s mind.
When the partner fails to live up to this ideal, both the narcissist and the partner are shocked. The partner wants to be perfect because it’s the only thing that earns the narcissist’s “love.” Therefore, the partner goes to great lengths to look, act, and say exactly what the narcissist wants.
But no one is “perfect.” No one can live up to the narcissist’s fantasy, because it’s just a fantasy. Over time, the partner inevitably disappoints the narcissist. Because the partner isn’t perfect, the narcissist’s repressed anger and shame surface. Without the fantasy to numb the pain, the narcissist drowns in negative emotions. Instead of confronting what they’re feeling, the narcissist turns the tables and demonizes their partner, creating a reverse projection. The narcissist then resorts to insulting, criticizing, ridiculing, assaulting, and hurting their partner. This is the stage of belittling them.
This usually ends in a breakup. But as previously explained, in some relationships, it doesn’t lead to divorce or separation. Instead, the partner is traumatized by the humiliation and shame and believes there’s something wrong with them. The partner then persists in their stance and tries again, striving to achieve the idealized image the narcissist has created. The narcissist fulfills all their desires, behaving in increasingly humiliating ways, pleading and fighting for their love.
In other cases, the partner becomes disappointed and resentful, and withdraws. They may become emotionally distant, have an affair, or start spending more time with people outside the home. When the narcissist senses their partner’s withdrawal, they begin the process of glorification again, showering them with love and affection to convince them that they have changed. In this way, they win back the partner briefly, before things quickly revert to their old ways.
Over the years, the partner becomes burdened with anxiety, shame, and stress. Cortisol levels rise, and the pressure becomes unbearable. They may suffer prolonged bouts of depression, or physical symptoms may appear, such as fatty deposits, stomach problems, diabetes, or even cancer. Anything is possible.
The Power of Knowledge and Action
At best, a long-term narcissistic relationship settles into a state of emotional coldness and stagnation, where routine reigns supreme. Passion fades, feelings disappear, and no one makes significant demands or stirs up trouble. Instead of physical symptoms, the partner’s spirit gradually dies as their inner emptiness deepens.
Sometimes, the relationship experiences a major crisis or tragedy, and a temporary disconnection of consciousness creates space for change. This is rare, but enlightenment can descend upon the narcissistic relationship in such circumstances, bringing a glimmer of love and joy to its barren ashes. However, this requires luck, awareness, and the courage to confront vulnerability—qualities most narcissists avoid.
For the partner of a narcissist who cannot or does not want to separate, there are always options. They can set clear boundaries, seek therapy, create spaces for rest and recovery outside the home, educate themselves, and learn self-defense techniques. They can prioritize healing. They can choose to stop participating in these problems.
The only exception is when the narcissist is physically abusive or psychologically disturbed; in this case, the partner has the responsibility to end the relationship permanently and never return to it.
