To maintain their perfect image, narcissists only experience emotions that belong to a “superior” person. Shame, guilt, sadness, doubt, anger—none of these are acceptable. Therefore, narcissists resort to a method of secretly projecting their negative emotions onto others. This subtle process of denial is what Melanie Klein calls “projective identification.”
Projective identification is subtle and usually begins with an innocent “conversation” about a minor mistake you made. As the conversation progresses, the narcissist inserts their judgments and hints at other mistakes you’ve made. The conversation then gradually and spontaneously veers from friendly chatter into a hypnotic monologue.
On the surface, you’re engaged in a normal conversation. But through hints and digressions, the narcissist makes generalizations that portray you negatively. This is executed so subtly that you unconsciously adopt the role of the “bad guy” and its associated feelings, all while believing you’re having a normal conversation.
Projective identification is what typically leads to “reactive abuse,” where the victim internalizes and acts out the narcissist’s dark emotions without consciously understanding how this happened. The victim only awakens from the shock of exposure to the trigger, having previously felt their internal temperature slowly and steadily rising, like boiling water, before erupting in anger at being placed in the “bad guy” position.
Once their anger is triggered, the narcissist rushes in, pointing fingers and heaping judgment to confirm their view that the victim is indeed bad. In this way, the narcissist:
Relinquishes their own negative traits and feelings.
Achieves a “superior moral position.”
Reinforces their false self-image, portraying themselves as “perfect.”
And on top of all that, the narcissist forces their victim to blame themselves for the conflict. Meanwhile, the victim has no idea what has happened, completely unaware that the narcissist has poisoned her without her knowledge. It’s utterly mind-boggling.
