The idea of portraying narcissists as bad people and their victims as good people has become widespread in popular culture over the past decade. The “narcissism movement” focuses on demonizing narcissists, developing strategies for dealing with these “bad people,” and, of course, outlining the best ways to recover and heal after interacting with them.
I have written several books on this subject, one of which has the provocative title, “How to Kill a Narcissist.” As I briefly explain, it is essential to separate the behavior from the person. This helps us avoid dehumanizing the narcissist while simultaneously protecting ourselves from their potential abuse.
In my view, the ultimate goal of recovery lies in reconciling two truths:
Narcissistic abuse is a scourge on our planet that we must combat at all costs.
Narcissists are deeply wounded human beings, and we must establish clear boundaries in our interactions with them.
Upon reaching this stage of recovery, you can “eliminate the narcissist” by recognizing the illness and protecting yourself from abuse.
However, I found that hatred can be helpful in the early stages of recovery. I’ve always encouraged the constructive use of anger to set boundaries and push the victim of narcissistic abuse to take action. But ultimately, I advise letting go of that anger. Otherwise, the person may fall into a lifelong victim mentality, where the victim of narcissistic abuse makes their abuse their primary identity.
Years later, I now believe that we as a group need to embrace the next shift in our understanding of toxic relationships and emotional abuse. This shift comes in the form of an even more insidious trap: an overemphasis on the narcissistic aspects of personality disorders.
Narcissism Is Worse Than You Think
My journey out of narcissistic abuse taught me countless lessons.
Initially, I approached others with anxiety and clinginess, and I was afraid of taking risks. As I was freed from shame and trauma, those behaviors faded away. My self-confidence and self-awareness grew, and I began to notice changes within myself that ultimately sounded alarm bells. My recovery journey revealed darker aspects of my personality that I hadn’t known existed.
I realized that as much as I craved connection, I also suffered from distrust of people. I noticed a deep need to be not just accepted, but desired. This had a profound impact on my sex life, and not always for the better. I found that I was often detached from reality, that my memory had gaps, and that my emotions were far more turbulent than I had realized. I was, in fact, extremely impulsive. And most frightening of all, I began to notice a shadowy figure within me, one that craved power and control.
Self-knowledge is liberating, but it often comes with the revelation of terrifying truths—truths I sometimes wish I had never discovered, because they shattered my self-image as an inherently “good” person. But reality was far more complex.
This reached its peak when I contemplated the personality disorder classification chart:
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) classifies personality disorders into three groups, one of which is narcissistic personality disorder. Upon closer examination of this model, we see that each group aims to fulfill specific needs and protect the individual from certain forms of harm.
Related : Narcissist/Codependent Relationship: Ending The Dance
In my book, How to Get Rid of a Narcissist, I describe the group map in detail and how each group relates to the others. For brevity, here is a brief summary of each group, outlining the underlying need associated with the personality disorder, how this need has been unmet (the underlying wound), and how the personality disorder attempts to compensate for the resulting wound:
Paranoid Personality
Estimated Need: Security.
Estimated Wound: Intimidation or betrayal by one or more people.
Symptoms of the Personality Disorder: Constant hypervigilance and distrust of others.
Schizoid Personality Disorder
Estimated Need: Security and connection.
Estimated Wound: A severe breakdown of the sense of security resulting from extreme abuse or social disruption.
Symptoms of the Personality Disorder: Emotional blunting to avoid vulnerability. Numbness. Apathy towards others.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Basic Need: Resilience, security, and love.
Primary Wound: Significant disruption or trauma in childhood family life (e.g., parental divorce or lack of proper upbringing).
Personality Disorder Symptoms: Emotional instability and fear of abandonment accompanied by a fear of being lost. A strong need for a savior figure. Chronic fantasies of escapism.
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Basic Need: Attention, attractiveness.
Primary Wound: Feeling ignored and unwanted.
Personality Disorder Symptoms: The need to be the center of attention at all times.
Psychopathic Personality Disorder
Basic Need: A sense of control over one’s life.
Primary Wound: A prolonged feeling of loss of control (e.g., as a result of severe abuse, oppression, humiliation, etc.).
Personality Disorder Symptoms: The need to control others and achieve absolute power to avoid future loss of control.
Idealism
Basic Need: Growth and competence.
The core wound: A feeling of inadequacy and stagnation.
Symptoms of the personality disorder: A need for perfection and an unwillingness to risk failure.
Dependent/Avoidant
The core need: Connection and love.
The core wound: Infrequent communication, emotional neglect, and a feeling of abandonment.
Symptoms of the personality disorder: Clinginess (dependent) or indifference (avoidant). Fear of abandonment. Anxiety in relationships and excessive kindness to avoid abandonment (dependent), or isolation and excessive independence (avoidant).
The list above is a very simplified overview and omits many of the nuances of each personality disorder. However, it is hoped that it paints a basic picture of the human psyche beyond narcissism.
Multiple_Aspects_of_Trauma
At its core, a narcissist aims to protect their self-esteem by helping them feel and appear more special and important than they actually are. However, as we see in the cluster map above, deep psychological wounds can manifest in many ways that go beyond self-esteem and a sense of importance.
What often confuses people is their inability to understand narcissistic behavior. If we look at abuse solely through the lens of narcissism, we are essentially trying to understand the elephant by examining its tail. So, to enhance our understanding, we need to broaden our perspective and consider the bigger picture.
If there’s one thing you should take away from this article, let it be this: Narcissists aren’t always narcissists.
Depending on the type of deep psychological wound being triggered and the need the narcissist is experiencing at that moment, they will shift to other personality patterns. Those close to narcissists often wonder if the person they’re dealing with is the same from one hour to the next. The cluster map can help us understand why.
We begin by acknowledging that narcissists change, and when they do, their underlying needs and motivations also change. A narcissist in their normal state wants only one thing: to satisfy their narcissism. But when a narcissist feels a loss of control or is humiliated, they may shift to their psychopathic side, driven by a desire for control, revenge, and dominance. Some narcissists can be vindictive and cunning, and this is what emerges when they shift to their psychopathic side, only to disappear once the situation is over. This leaves the victim bewildered and confused.
Narcissists are often driven by paranoia, which manifests as a lack of trust in others and rigidity of beliefs. This paranoia is often invisible when the narcissist’s sense of grandeur and control is at its peak.
When a narcissist loses control over others, or when their false image is severely challenged, their borderline side may become active, signaling emotional distress and a fear of abandonment that would otherwise not exist. This helps us understand why narcissists can appear calm and calculating one moment, and desperate and emotionally devastated the next.
When a narcissist exaggerates their appearance or dominates the space, they may be trying to feed their ego, but the psychological wound of feeling unwanted can also play a role.
Narcissists can be avoidant or dependent, depending on how attached and controlling they feel to others. Sometimes they oscillate between avoidance and attachment. A narcissist is cold and withdrawn, especially if they feel suffocated or uncomfortable. But when the other person is hurt and withdraws, the narcissist’s anxiety returns.
Narcissists are often perfectionists. They incorporate this tendency into their narcissistic persona to boost their self-esteem, or they may use it as a weapon to highlight their victim’s “flaws,” thus reinforcing their own sense of grandeur. This can develop into a psychopathic state, where perfectionism is used as a tool for control.
When these qualities come together in a unique way, the possibilities for a group map become limitless.
Narcissism_2.0
Category narcissism has always been a highly stimulating phenomenon. However, it has also proven to be a limiting force, sometimes producing more confusion than enlightenment. By understanding this phenomenon in all its facets, we gain the tools to develop our understanding and accelerate our self-actualization by reducing confusion and ignorance.
But how do we broaden our horizons? We can begin by viewing anyone we suspect of being narcissistic as a person carrying a unique core trauma. This core trauma may consist of multiple deep wounds stemming from that person’s unique childhood experiences.
A person’s core trauma may manifest through various personality disorders, often changing depending on the trigger and the situation. A person whose personality exhibits narcissistic traits can be automatically considered to have narcissistic personality disorder, but they are not obligated to act accordingly all the time.
Finally, it’s important to recognize that narcissism often surfaces in individuals experiencing psychological trauma, even if their core isn’t narcissism, but rather a psychological disorder or borderline personality disorder. In other words, they have a distinct core, covered by a narcissistic veneer. Their primary motivation isn’t narcissistic gratification; instead, these individuals use narcissism to fulfill other needs, such as seeking attention (histrionic personality), avoiding abandonment (borderline personality), or achieving dominance and control (psychopathic or malignant narcissistic personality).
The narcissist is an illusion, just like the concept of narcissism itself. They appear fleetingly, then constantly shift without any apparent reason. Keep this in mind when dealing with a “narcissist.”
