Key Points

Narcissistic personality traits vary, ranging from a few to full-blown narcissistic personality disorder.

It is a common myth that narcissists completely lack empathy.

Narcissists exhibit limited empathy very selectively, choosing how and when to show it.

If a narcissist’s behavior were consistent, those close to them would have less need to seek self-help to cope.

Before explaining how the interpersonal dynamics of a narcissist work, it is essential to clarify the diagnostic basis of this behavior. Narcissism refers to a specific, disordered personality pattern characterized by a lack of empathy and a superior self-image. Although narcissistic personality disorder falls within a broad spectrum, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013) defines narcissistic personality disorder as narcissistic personality disorder. It is important to note that while most narcissistic individuals may exhibit some criteria for this disorder, many do not have the full-blown disorder.

Examining one of the traits of narcissistic personality—a lack of empathy—highlights the inconsistency and volatility of a narcissist’s behavior toward others. In particular, a narcissist’s treatment of others is markedly inconsistent, which can be perplexing to those close to them, both at work and in their personal lives.

A narcissist often uses a fluctuating set of social norms when determining how to treat others. For example, a narcissist might treat one person well while mistreating another. How does a narcissist decide how to treat others? Do they adhere to consistent moral principles, such as apologizing to anyone they have wronged? Do they avoid lying or being cruel to everyone they meet, recognizing that such behavior is wrong?

Anyone who interacts closely and frequently with a narcissist will recognize that their behavior is inconsistent, or that they constantly shift in reality and moral principles. A narcissist’s treatment of others is not consistent or based on a core set of principles that define right and wrong. Instead, it is determined by their need to present themselves in a certain light (such as portraying themselves as powerful, virtuous, or a victim).

The foundation of how an individual treats others is closely linked to empathy, including the degree to which they empathize with others. A common myth about narcissists is that they lack empathy. It’s inaccurate to say they have no empathy at all; rather, their empathy is limited, and they are very selective about how and when to display it. For example, an adult narcissist has grown up witnessing empathy in others throughout their life and therefore usually possesses some degree of empathy. The problem is that this empathy is neither deep nor consistent, which can cause problems in work and personal relationships.

Love for the Weak and Hatred for the Successful

When a narcissist feels or displays empathy for others, what kinds of people evoke even this small amount of compassion? And who are the lucky ones who receive their kindness and compassion? When narcissists exercise empathy, they often direct it toward individuals they perceive as weak or inferior in some way. For example, a narcissist might reserve their kindest behavior for a disabled or elderly person. They might also empathize with individuals experiencing physical or emotional pain, including those struggling with a sad or tragic life event.

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It’s important to note that narcissists may allow themselves to feel some empathy toward these individuals because they are not perceived as a threat to their ego; they don’t trigger the competitive spirit that drives their behavior.

The people toward whom narcissists feel little to no empathy are those who possess what the narcissist craves—and this varies from one narcissist to another. A specific image is what the narcissist intensely desires, and it might be someone wealthy, highly popular, beautiful, or something else entirely. People who embody this desired quality are seen as a major threat to the narcissist’s ego, as the narcissist operates from a scarcity mindset that believes there isn’t enough attention and admiration for everyone. Their method of gaining attention and recognition is: to possess and absorb.

What excites a narcissist?

Ultimately, the attention others receive is one of the biggest emotional triggers for a narcissist. When a narcissist sees someone talented, popular, and appreciated for being special, their sense of inadequacy is almost overwhelming. Because they see this prestigious person as a “winner” or “achiever of everything,” they fail to see them as a real human being with their own positive and negative feelings, and their own history of emotional triumphs and defeats. In short, a narcissist is incapable of showing even the slightest empathy for those they perceive as a threat.

Ultimately, the most crucial point to understand about a narcissist’s selective and fluctuating empathy is that their displays of compassion and compassion are almost entirely dependent on their fragile ego. If one desires emotional security in the company of a narcissist, it is best to avoid demanding too much and instead support the narcissist so they can maintain the self-image they value above all else.