You’ve lived a gas-lit life and now you’re out of it. You are ready to break up with the narcissist. You are running from narcissistic abuse. Even with your preparation, even with your great work on the fourth, and your mastery of the Note Don’t Suck (ODA) and strikeout rule, it’s going to be tough.

It starts with the narcissist’s fear. They start to lose their strength and ODA, and you start to see a fearful, fearful, vulnerable person.

But suddenly, they were shocked by the aggressiveness they used. The passive or overt aggression they used to scare you into submission. I’m starting to see the gaslight neutralizing effect. You begin to realize that they were never as strong as they claimed, and you were never as “bad” as they said they were. This is when the rapid transformation begins.

This shift is why Phase 5 requires so much preparation.

This is the point where they don’t want to fight anymore because of the possible consequences. So, what do they do? They are fighting against this stage.

As you enter the fifth stage, you will notice 12 immediately predictable subsequent stages.

What happens when you break up with a narcissist

Turn up the gas – manipulative
A common tactic narcissists use when you enter this stage is to turn up the lights. They will tell you that no one will believe you, the last time the cops did not listen to you, you are just a woman in hysterics.

For example, imagine someone is twenty pounds overweight. She’s gorgeous and puts on twenty pounds. But she was excited to think that she was obese, or that she was too short, or that she was too tall or that she didn’t graduate from college, or whatever the case might be.

Her narcissism has fueled her to think she is not good enough to live on her own and will fail. They will attend to it. This is where we notice rather than absorb it, and that neutralizes their strategy.

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Aggressiveness and threat
If gaslighting doesn’t work, because it won’t work, because you’re watching and you don’t suck, and you know exactly what they’re doing, then they start to get aggressive. They start to bully and threaten. Now aggression and threats look different based on the narcissist. This is why it is important to know your narcissist.

For example, the borderline will work much differently for that person with antisocial personality disorder (antisocial personality disorder). Antisocial personality disorder is quiet as a choice, they have no empathy, they quietly do everything just so they can break you down. They do not have narcissistic tendencies, they may decide to harm you, but not out of anger they think they want to punish you because you deserve it.

However, the covert narcissist is the most dangerous, because they survive by creating an outward appearance of being loved, respected, and loved. Usually, they are a person of power within the community. Perhaps a politician, teacher, or even a psychotherapist. These are the narcissists who have the strongest reaction to this strategy. This is because sufferers of antisocial personality disorder are sociopaths.

I have to show my clients over and over again in these situations that there was absolutely no connection, there was never love, and that this person is truly incapable of any kind of connection or emotion.

When my clients begin to see that the narcissist they are dealing with has no friends, is unable to be in any other relationship, and does not understand feelings, I then introduce the concept that ASPDs must have a backstory to justify themselves. They do this to appear normal in the world they are in. This may require that they have a family or a husband or wife. Armed with this backstory, they can move on and live the life they want.

Many of my SLD/Codependent clients have ASPD spouses or partners and have woken up to this reality in horror, realizing that this person could never connect and never did. They also begin to see the dangers of this person because once you remove their background, they can no longer function in the world or act humanely.

These covert narcissists can become human because they build these relationships with ASPDs, but once they lose that connection, they react because they understand what it means for their background.

Instead, garden-variety narcissists simply explode outwards. People with BPD say they hate you and want to hurt you, and then say I love you, don’t leave me. BPDs eventually threaten suicide if you dare to leave them. Fear of abandonment is at the core of BPD—whether real or perceived.

Even if that fear is not rational at times, if you eventually decide to let go of them, validating their biggest fears, the next step may be suicide. Many people with BPD will attempt suicide to get you back.

Unfortunately, this often leaves people feeling trapped.

I’ve had many codependent/SLD clients who got trapped because they knew their partner was going to kill him or herself, and they didn’t want their children to suffer as a result. And it’s hard to sell as a psychotherapist telling clients that they simply can’t stop him or them from killing themselves.

You might even have to deal with their deaths, and it would be terrible, but you have to live your life no matter what happens.

My job is to make my clients understand that if this happens, it’s not their fault. It is very important to prepare for this to happen. To do this, we examine the type of narcissist they are dealing with, and how they might respond to the end of this relationship while building on the momentum built into the fifth stage.

Passive or covert aggression

If outright aggression does not work, they will go underground.

Vandalism, triangulation, poisoning of minds
The narcissist will involve a third person in the relationship to violate a boundary or to harm, control, protect, or punish the dependent person/SLD. At this stage, friends, family, and children are also victims of narcissistic abuse.

Willing (sincerely) to negotiate
If and when the strategy of aggression doesn’t work, they start negotiating.

Be prepared for your partner to suddenly quit drinking, cheating, gambling, or doing any of the things you’ve been begging them to quit for years. They understand that you are serious. They know they have to do everything they can to convince you to stay.

But thanks to Stage Four, you won’t be surprised. Don’t wonder if this time is real and don’t negotiate. You realize that doesn’t mean anything and you realize that the narcissist is simply trying to pull you back, not change.

Agree to stop trouble
The next stage is agreeing to stop the problems. Perhaps they will agree to go to therapy. Many times my SLD will tell me, “He’s finally ready to go to therapy, maybe here’s the chance.”

Remind him or her about narcissistic personality disorder traits, and how the person they’re dealing with doesn’t think they have a problem, and it’s just their last resort effort.

If my clients don’t believe me, I ask them to ask their narcissist a question, “Why do you want to go to therapy?” The follow-up question to that is, “What are you going to do in therapy?”

What do you expect they will say?

They say I want to go to therapy because I want to keep you from leaving me, so I can save our marriage. You won’t hear that they want to stop putting the spotlight on you. They want to work on their selfishness, self-absorption, and grandiosity. These would be sociopathic responses because they don’t believe any of them.

Agree to go to therapy
Many therapists do not understand narcissistic behavior. These individuals will present themselves as these wronged people who have been misunderstood and usually find a therapist unaware of what the pathological narcissist is doing. These therapists will then empathize with the individual and in turn make them feel better about themselves and what they are doing.

The first time a therapist suggests a person may be lying or being hypocritical, the relationship ends. The therapy ends prematurely, or it ends only because it is difficult for the narcissist to talk about themselves.

Humanize themselves
If going to therapy fails to get your attention, and you still want a divorce, the narcissist is trying to humanize himself. There are many situations where this works for SLDs.

Narcissists neutralize detachment by humanizing themselves. Suddenly, they are emotionally told horrific stories of child abuse, neglect, and/or abandonment. They will talk about how much they hurt inside and ask you to understand them.

By arousing the SLD/Codependent’s nurturing, overly empathetic, and sacrificing tendencies, the determination to flee the relationship is neutralized. And when the “sorrowful” narcissist begs like a child not to give up, the hook is deeply embedded. For someone who isn’t completely immersed and dedicated to SLDD recovery, this works.

Begging for another chance
When this narcissistic tactic doesn’t work, they beg for another chance. “Please don’t leave me, I need you, I love you, I’m going to change, I’m going to change my lover …” etc.

Suicide threats or attempts
I mentioned earlier that people with BPD will go there quickly. But other pathological narcissists will also talk about depression or suicide. They have no intention of doing this nor will they try to do it, but they will tell their partner about it.

It’s like pretending to strangle yourself to death and then finally at the last minute give up on you. This is what a narcissist does by attempting suicide. They threaten to scare their partner into believing it’s real. This uncertainty breeds fear.

Total Destruction
When suicidal threats don’t work, the last gasp is narcissistic abuse of destruction.

There are different versions of this depending on the type of narcissist you are dealing with. If they are a covert narcissist, their attempt at destruction will be different from a variant narcissist, as is the case with a sociopath. If you have continued, you know all about this and will not respond to their attempts to destroy you.

Substitution
Finally, the narcissist decides to cut his losses and look for someone else. It is important to understand this and know that they will do everything they can to stop this process. If you can see ahead of time where things are going, you can stop yourself from indulging in their behavior. You will eventually get to this step if you follow along.

The hardest maneuver to avoid

Avoiding these behaviors is not rocket science. Of all the 12 maneuvers, it is number seven, or humanization, that most often convinces codependents/SLDs to stay.

When a narcissist gets to this step, they portray themselves as broken or suffering. Remember, they know the SLD is empathetic, and they know the SLD believes everyone deserves a chance, and everyone should be loved. This is what they prey on, the SLD’s compassion, tolerance, and acceptance of nature. They will reveal their child abuse, their underlying shame, the fact that they have no friends or their self-loathing. This is a recurring behavior, and I see it with many of my clients.

They will plead with the Left Democratic Party not to abandon them, which is as real as it is feigned. They are afraid of being abandoned, so you get to see their true human side. In people with personality disorders, this is when the window opens.

They start to connect to their attachment trauma, and you may start to see them as broken children. They make breach of what I call the separation barrier and connect with their inner wounded child.

What happens when you break up with a narcissist

The hardest maneuver to avoid

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