Key Points
The fear of losing status may drive narcissists to do whatever it takes to avoid losing the status upon which their self-esteem depends.
A partner should point out when they act contemptuously or inconsiderately.
When speaking, remain calm and don’t get defensive. They may become defensive and angry, but give them space to calm down and think.
Many of us find ourselves in intimate relationships with narcissists. Narcissists make good first impressions. They seem confident, sociable, and attractive. They seem to know how to flatter our egos in the way we want. They may seem hard to get, so if we’re lucky enough to be with them, we may feel like we’ve won the lottery. And if they’re also good-looking and successful, even better. What’s not to like about that? The sexual attraction we feel is incredible. What could possibly go wrong?
The answer: A lot. The more we get to know a narcissist, the less we like them. We begin by discovering his selfishness, self-centeredness, arrogance, and condescension. He may be cruel and lack empathy. He may feel entitled and expect to be pampered, becoming angry when his desires aren’t met. He expects favors he can’t reciprocate.
When you feel regret after being with a narcissistic partner, what do you do? If you’re married with children, breaking up and finding someone less narcissistic may not be easy. You might hope that his narcissism is a kind of immaturity he’ll outgrow. You might hope that if you confront his narcissism and demand change with the help of therapy, perhaps it can be fixed.
But what if his narcissism is an ingrained personality trait that can’t be fixed or eliminated? What then? Are you doomed to an unhappy marriage? What if you’re drawn to narcissistic personalities despite your frustration with them, and bored by others who are easy to get along with? Perhaps, just perhaps, with some effort, you can learn how to deal with a narcissistic partner and how to make the most of the difficult situation.
How to Deal with a Narcissistic Partner
Why can narcissists be managed but not reformed? The narcissist’s greatest desire is to outshine you. They may feign a desire for an equal marriage, but deep down, they crave subservience, and this innate tendency cannot be changed. However, it can be managed because you have the power to make your narcissistic partner treat you with respect and as an equal if you have the courage to use this power wisely.
Narcissists place great importance on their social status. Marriage, children, and the economic benefits of married life provide them with this status. Narcissists lose this status if their marriages fail, experiencing a decline in their social standing, and may be perceived by others as failed spouses or parents. The fear of losing status may drive narcissists to reluctantly do what is required to avoid losing the status upon which their self-esteem depends. Does this mean you should start threatening divorce every time you get fed up with your partner? No, that would be a grave strategic mistake.
A frustrated partner might threaten divorce in a fit of rage to force a change in behavior. But this never works because narcissists rightly recognize it as a bluff the moment the affected partner backs down. The narcissist knows the partner issuing the ultimatum is too dependent to carry out their threat. What bothers narcissists isn’t the partner’s anger, but their indifference. Indifference signals that the person is no longer attached to the relationship, is gradually shedding their dependence, and is emotionally preparing for an independent life if necessary.
Related : The Struggles of Sons of Narcissistic Mothers
Confronting a narcissistic partner calmly and objectively (i.e., coolly) makes all the difference. Of course, your narcissistic partner will likely react defensively and arrogantly to any criticism, accusing you of being mean and unfair. They may do everything they can to force you to back down. Don’t. Make it clear that you have the right to your feelings and opinions, and there’s no need to argue with them if they see things differently. Explain to him that if you continue to feel mistreated, your partner shouldn’t expect much love, affection, intimacy, or other forms of pampering. Make him worthy of your respect.
The narcissist will likely respond with a counter-complaint and accuse you of mistreating him. You don’t need to defend yourself. Simply say, “Well, if that’s how you feel, you’re free to divorce me and find someone better. I don’t appreciate it when you respond in kind when I raise what I consider legitimate concerns about you. That’s not a pleasant trait.” If the narcissist continues to respond with, “Why don’t you divorce me?” say, “I’m committed to learning how to handle difficult situations in the best way possible by controlling my temper and expressing my opinions honestly.”
In this case, your partner might back down and try to make amends. Or he might leave in anger because he realizes he can’t reach a resolution with you. If he leaves in anger, you can say as he leaves, “Don’t come back without apologizing for the way you ended this conversation.” Once he calms down and reflects, you might receive an apology.
You’re putting your partner in a difficult position: either treat you with respect or allow you to gradually distance yourself from the relationship until you reach a point where you feel completely at ease with the narcissist’s departure. This is a pivotal moment for him. Some narcissists might allow you to separate because they can’t control their pride, but many will give in because they are more dependent on you than you are on them, even if they hate to admit it.
Dealing with a narcissist is hard work.
Defending yourself can be exhausting and draining. Unfortunately, the relationship will only worsen if you don’t put in the necessary effort. This is for your own good. You can always leave if this becomes too much for you or if asserting yourself in this way is beyond your capacity. If your narcissistic partner is your romantic type, and defending yourself in this way keeps him in control, you may find that life with him is not as bad as you thought.
