One of the often-misunderstood symptoms of narcissistic abuse is a constant sense of caution and doubt in every little thing you do. Whether you decide to style your hair differently or arrange the dishes, you seem to suffer from a persistent anxiety that you’re doing things wrong. Furthermore, you have an overwhelming urge to seek an external authority to dictate the “right” way to behave, to live life, and even the right way to be yourself.
Victims of narcissistic abuse are like fish out of water, swimming in a sea of ​​helplessness and inferiority. They rarely question this mindset; instead, they consider it an integral part of their personality, as if they were born this way.
In reality, this mindset is the product of systematic psychological abuse by someone who must feel superior at all times. The narcissist not only refuses to share power in your relationship but insists on being the one in control.
Using three steps, narcissists undermine their victims’ self-confidence, willpower, and ability to control their lives, reducing them to mere recipients.
The narcissist accomplishes this as follows:
- They put you in the spotlight.
The narcissist is constantly watching you. You feel the heat of their critical gaze at every moment. Their probing questions and comments may come at any time:
“Why are you doing this?”
“Do you have to do it now?”
“Are you sure this is the right way?”
“I have a better way.”
“Did you try _ first?”
“I told you not to.”
The narcissist constantly scrutinizes you, forcing you to question yourself before every move. The narcissist’s goal is to undermine your critical thinking before replacing it with their voice.
Developing control over your life is a process of trial and error. It’s true that someone can anticipate your mistakes and help you correct your course early on, but learning from your own mistakes is invaluable. Furthermore, we all possess an inherent creative drive, but it’s stifled when others interfere with our problem-solving or task completion. Having control means taking ownership of your will and gaining the confidence to guide it with your inner wisdom and sound judgment. Self-actualization requires having the space and freedom to make mistakes.
Related : Can Narcissism Be Cured?
The narcissist’s true goal when they shine a spotlight on you isn’t to help you grow, but to maintain their control. They seek to tighten their grip on the relationship, and what better way to achieve this than by reverting you to a childlike state?
By weakening your ability to control your life and crushing your will, the narcissist reduces the likelihood of you developing the personal strength needed to stand up to them. If left unchecked, the narcissist’s scorching spotlight will overwhelm you with shame, leaving you paralyzed and unable to gain momentum in your life.
- They Steal Your Power
The idea of ​​being in control may seem alien to victims of narcissism. Their self-confidence and sense of agency may have been so eroded that they overlook the fact that they are in control of their own destiny.
The narcissist begins by establishing their supposed authority, claiming to be the wisest and most competent. Then, they impose their newfound power on you.
Take the example of driving a car, a fitting metaphor for the concept of being in control. The narcissist might start constantly commenting on their driving skills, claiming to be superior to most people. You might say they are exceptionally gifted at driving.
Any normal person might think to themselves: I wish they were a better driver. Why do they keep repeating this?
The narcissist brings up such things to project an image of being in “supreme authority.” As the narcissist reinforces the image of being the “best driver” in your mind, you will subconsciously begin to feel like the least competent driver. Instead of driving with complete confidence, you’ll now find yourself analyzing your actions behind the wheel.
Eventually, the narcissist will sit with you in the car, watching you intently as you drive. Little by little, they’ll discover your “mistakes” and be eager to point them out. “Watch out!”, “Take this lane!”, “Why are you so close to that car?”
Once your control over your driving has been seized and turned against you, you’ll start to feel like a teenager driving for the first time, being guided by a “driving instructor.”
The interesting thing about this process is how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. By adopting the role of the “less competent” driver and doubting your abilities, you increase the likelihood of making mistakes, reinforcing this vicious cycle and further eroding your self-confidence.
In extreme cases, your safety may be compromised. A near-miss on the road could drive you to abandon driving altogether.
- They Set the “Rules”
Order matters. Making your bed in the morning, keeping the hallway shoe-free, maintaining a minimum level of cleanliness—none of that hurts, right?
A narcissist exploits order and increases the pressure on you until you feel like you’re walking through a minefield. They are never satisfied with anything less than perfection. They may meddle in the smallest details of your life, from your appearance and clothing to the times you open and close the curtains, down to the exact spot where you park.
What reveals a narcissist isn’t their insistence on order, but how they use it as a weapon to ensure their sense of control and superiority. Many of a narcissist’s rules are arbitrary or even pointless. These rules may be contradictory or hypocritical, with the narcissist being content with what they do but vehemently disapproving of a similar action by you. For example, a narcissist might insist on closing the toilet lid and door after every use to prevent odor, then fart next to you and laugh at you.
Above all, a narcissist’s rules are authoritarian. Too many rules create a “tyranny of order” that robs life of its enjoyment instead of making it easier.
Reclaim Your Right Place
Narcissists, psychopaths, and those with borderline personality disorder with a combination of narcissism and psychopathy are masters of seizing power. You will never be able to control them. Controlling and maintaining it is their primary goal; a game they relish, and one that will, at best, leave you feeling frustrated.
Narcissists are the kings and queens of their own narcissistic “kingdom.” In this labyrinth of suffocating morality, they know every nook and cranny, every protocol, every entrance and exit. They are highly skilled at establishing and maintaining dominance over others by discovering and exploiting their weaknesses.
Moreover, most people simply want to relax with their loved ones and enjoy life. No one wants to worry about monitoring others around the clock or being monitored themselves. In contrast, the narcissist craves control. They derive their pleasure from a sadistic gratification of claiming superiority. Even if you could beat them at their game, would you want to?
If you experienced this kind of abuse in your early years, be wary, because your upbringing has made you vulnerable to losing control.
First, it’s important to understand how a narcissist usurps your personal power. Confronting them is one strategy, while doing the opposite of what they insist on is another. In both cases, you validate their perspective by acknowledging its existence. The world of a narcissist is exhausting. Enter it at your own risk.
During your recovery, it’s essential to create personal spaces where you can exercise your freedom and feel free to make mistakes. Accept that you alone hold the power over your life.
Be aware of the narcissist’s intrusions. Enjoy the flow of life and allow yourself the freedom to be imperfect. If you consistently insist on this and defend your personal independence with firm boundaries, the narcissist will either withdraw or succumb to their control.
Perhaps with time, enjoying life and finding harmony with it will become natural for you, and you’ll find yourself moving beyond the ridiculous power struggle the narcissist created, as you continue your journey toward a fulfilling life. Whether he’s with you or not.
