Finding “the one” is an important choice men make in their lives. They give it big thought. Is marriage material? Here’s how to find out. Here are five things men look for in a wife, check them out!
I know that for many women, knowing what men look for in someone for marriage is baffling.
We always hear stories about men who are in long-term relationships with someone who they aren’t ready for marriage. Then they separate and he marries the next woman who comes with him.
what’s up with that?
We all know exactly what women want — love, stability, romance, laughter, etc. — but I had no idea what a guy really wanted in a relationship — things that, if missing, are deal-breakers.
To find out the answer to this question, I reached out to some friends and clients to see if they could shed some light on the topic.
What was amazing was that the guys said mostly the same things (except for a few outliers that went a little off the rails) and these things were a bit surprising so I thought I’d share it with you today.
Here are 5 things men look for in a material person for marriage.
Are you marriage material? 5 things men want in a wife
- An adventurous spirit.
I know – that first thing is kind of intimidating but, rest assured, “adventure” means different things to different people.
One of my friends, John, craves adventure with a capital A. He wants to climb really tall mountains, and then mountain bike down them. He wants to sail his boat from Florida to the Bahamas. A lazy day for him is to sleep till 7 am and then just run 7 miles. Go, go, go, go.
And he wants a woman who can keep up. Luckily – I just have the girl I set him up for!
On the other hand, my client, David, also wants adventure but it is of a different kind. He likes to walk in the woods—no mountain biking necessary—but he doesn’t need to climb to the highest peaks. He loves to explore back roads in his old Mercedes convertible. He is happy to have a beer on deck, and watch the water in the late afternoon.
So while you see that adventure can mean different things to different people, all without exception the men I’ve talked to need adventure to be part of a relationship that they’re going to commit to. They want someone who wants to play with them, and do the things they both love, no matter what those things are.
So, if you’re wondering if you’re marriage material for your man, ask yourself if you and your man play well together!
- A sense of independence.
Independence, like adventure, has different meanings to different people, but every single person I asked about said it was very important that the person who is marriage material give them a certain degree of independence.
This does not mean that they want the freedom to go out with other girls or disappear without explanation or unilaterally decide that they go hiking in Peru for a week.
Independence means being given the space to do the things they want to do. To get their partner’s support to pursue their passion. So that their partner won’t tell them they can do something, just let them act when they do. And they want their partner to also want the same kind of independence that they do.
With my boyfriend, I am so desperate to have the freedom of flying. I’ve been alone for a long time and traveling is in my blood. It’s closer to home. He’s happy to let me go on my trips — to New York City once a month or to Mexico for a girls’ week. He never says “yes” when he means “no” and he never acts resentful when I leave. “As long as you come back,” he always says, “I’m glad to let you go.”
He also needs independence, but his appearance is different. I’m okay with being in his barn, lounging around for hours without making me feel abandoned. He loves being there more than anything (except for me, of course) and having my back in doing that makes him so willing to commit to me!
So, if you’re wondering if your man sees you as marriage material, make sure you’re comfortable giving him the independence he needs (and that he does the same in return).
- The feeling of lust.
We all know that men want sex, and they don’t need it. In a way that not many women understand, sex seems to be the lifeblood of every man once he hits puberty. This does not mean that women do not want to have sex but it is completely different for us.
The men I spoke to all agreed that sex is important but so is lust. Of course, they love having sex with their partner (even if it’s not great some days) but what they really want is for their partner to want it, and to have lust to act upon.
My friend Doug is in a relationship with a woman he loves. They’ve been together for about 5 years and just moved in together. And their sex life is blah.
Sure, they have sex once a week, and when they do it’s fine, but he always has to gossip about it. He often feels that he is being forced on her by making his moves.
So, while he knows she’s going to have sex with him, what he really wants is for her to want to have sex with him.
Take a good look at your relationship. Is there lust out there, lust you’re not faking? Lust is an essential part of any healthy relationship and something a man looks for in a physical person for marriage.
- Feeling appreciated.
Most of my friends have said that feeling appreciated is something they look for in a marriage material person.
What do they mean by appreciation?
Appreciation is defined as “the recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something”. In relationships, for men, appreciation is essential.
I have a client who wants nothing more than to keep his girlfriend happy.
He practices all the love languages—telling her he loves her, being affectionate with her, spending quality time with her, buying her little gifts, and trying very hard to anticipate and follow through on what she wants.
And his girlfriend loves all of these things but he doesn’t feel like she really gets it, she really understands how much he loves her and wants to make her happy.
Why does he feel this way? For, in spite of the way he treats her, if he does anything wrong, even the smallest of things, she attacks him with contempt, belittles his ability to accomplish anything, and tells him that if he loved her, he would do the things she wanted him to do.
There really is nothing that kills a relationship faster than contempt. Those passive-aggressive tendencies that lead to making the other person feel less than/guilty/stupid/worthless. And unfortunately, many of us women in relationships are guilty of disdain, treating our men, and not appreciating their efforts.
Men want someone to marry someone who takes the whole package into account in terms of how to treat someone. Someone who appreciates the things they do for them and doesn’t put them down for the things they don’t do or do wrong.
Therefore, if you find that you struggle with appreciating your partner, your man may not see you as marriage material.
- A sense of equality.
For most of human history, the image of a healthy relationship has depended on the man’s superiority over the woman.
That the big strong man go out into the world and provide for his woman. They will meet his needs upon his return. What he said went. What he wanted to do, happened.
Now, in the year 2022, things have changed. Men and women strive for parity in relationships, equality in everything. And believe it or not, many men like it that way and actively want it that way.
My friend George told me about the relationship between his parents. His father was always responsible – for his wife and children. His mother worked hard to keep him happy at all costs.
His father had been gone all day on weekends, playing golf, but he wouldn’t let George’s mother go out for a night out with her friends. It was difficult to watch this dynamic between his parents not only because his father was so domineering but because his mother was okay with it.
Over the years, George has watched his mother become less and less of herself. Since his father was an official and she had little freedom to be herself, she spent her days cleaning and doing the housework. He could tell she was bored and lonely. And she was sad. He swore to himself that his wife would never be this way.
Men want women to be their equal. They want women to share the good and the bad. They want them to be equal in terms of goals, hopes and dreams. They want decisions, big and small, to be shared.
Of course, there are some areas where one person may be in charge, but in general, men want equality in their relationship. Gone are the days when men ruled everything. This, my friends say, is stressful!
Do you and your partner treat each other as equals? Do you both take care of each other, make each other feel equal, and treat each other with respect? If the answer is no, then your man may not want to commit to you.
So there you go, 5 Things Men Want in Someone Is Marriage, as told to me by a bunch of great guys in the know.
Both men and women want to be in committed relationships, but ironically, their needs can be very different. Understanding what a guy might want, and the things that might be a lot different than what you want, will help you recognize what you may or may not give him that might influence his desire for commitment.