“Emotionally unavailable partners who get involved in relationships are no less than vampires who feed on other people’s feelings. There is nothing exciting or compassionate, kind, respectful, or caring about this—none of the characteristics of a healthy, lasting relationship.” — Anonymous

the main points

Emotionally unavailable partners are often unable to access the uncomfortable feelings needed for insight and empathy in a relationship.
Increased defense mechanisms and cognitive distortions prevent the partner from looking inward and admitting mistakes.
Conflict resolution requires adopting perspective, empathy, and self-awareness—three things that an emotionally unavailable partner may lack.

Related: When Lines Get Crossed: Understanding The 9 Different Types of Cheating In A Relationship

3 Things an emotionally unavailable partner says

1. “I don’t know…”
   An emotionally unavailable partner is often “trapped” or detached from deep, uncomfortable feelings. Has difficulty recognizing, identifying, and discussing difficult feelings. This lack of insight is starkly apparent in the midst of conflict.

The ability to understand unpleasant emotions enhances insight and self-awareness in a person. These introspective abilities help the individual grow and develop and often prevent him or her from repeating a mistake in the relationship.

When a partner is asked why they are doing something insensitive, unconscious, or hurtful in the relationship and they respond with, “I don’t know,” it may indicate that they are unable to recognize and discuss important feelings.

The exception to the “I don’t know” situation is the partner’s tendency to use prior hardship to justify any wrongdoing. Instead of looking inward and trying to understand the emotional contributions to a fault, an emotionally unintelligent individual will often use prior difficulty to elicit sympathy and escape “hot water”.

For example, Lisa calls Tom’s boss without his permission to discuss Tom’s insecurities about speaking at a company event. Tom becomes distraught in a meeting when his boss jokes about it and refers to the conversation with Lisa. Shocked and confused, Tom arrives home and gently confronts Lisa.

Lisa is angry that Tom is upset and angrily replies, “I’ve been trying to help, Tom.”

Tom asserts himself again and asks why she failed to discuss her ideas with him before calling his boss.

Lisa intensified, exclaiming, “I don’t know, Tom! I was trying to help! I don’t know!”

The discussion is unproductive and escalates, so Tom excuses himself and goes for a walk. When he returns, Lisa is in the kitchen. Instead of communicating her awareness of how she hurt Tom, she says, “I’m having a bad day, Tom. This is the last thing I want to deal with. I’ve been trying to do something nice for you. I guess you just don’t appreciate it.”

Tom is baffled. Lisa cannot consider the impact of her behavior and refuses to talk about the thought process that leads to her poor judgment, blaming her for an unpleasant day. Her lack of accountability and insight incorrectly convinces Tom that he is wrong for raising an issue in an attempt to understand it and prevent it from happening again. Now, Tom is doubly hurt and confused.

Owning a fault in a relationship and communicating an understanding of how it affects a loved one is emotionally intelligent. A person unable to self-reflect, truly understand a partner’s point of view, and discuss deeper feelings that lead to an insensitive act may routinely repeat, “I don’t know,” when asked to look inward and discuss the feeling.

Problems are rarely resolved healthily because an emotionally unavailable partner is relentlessly defensive.

2. “I didn’t do that…”
   Due to the emotionally inept individual’s need to protect their very fragile ego, they operate with multiple unconscious and hypertrophied defense mechanisms.

The deflection allows the person to automatically expel the “threatening” data. Denying any wrongdoing is common because the person unconsciously changes the scenario in their mind. Severe cognitive distortions are also referred to as errors in reasoning, which then allow the individual to rewrite history and position himself or herself as the victim or hero.

In the example above, Lisa is acting disrespectfully. She insults her husband and refuses to consider her actions hurtful. She says the phone call is an attempt to help, but it may represent Lisa’s need to be the hero of the relationship.

When pressured, she lapses into a victim position and continues to evade honest accountability by blaming her actions on a bad day.

The hero/victim’s distortions create an alternate reality in which the partner is always “innocent” and “honorable” despite their manipulative and unkind behaviors. Needing to always be the savior in a relationship is a way for an emotionally immature person to feel powerful.

However, gaining power in this self-serving way dampens the power of a loved one. In many cases, the emotionally intelligent partner is stuck in these dynamic experiences of intense self-doubt because his or her reality is constantly being challenged and met with distortions.

3. “You are the one who…”
   During a confrontation, it is common for the emotionally deficient partner to shift blame onto the person posing a problem. Ignoring the problem at hand and unfairly blaming the other person for anything and everything that comes to mind is a convenient way to avoid accountability.

“You selfish! Remember when you ignored me on Wednesday when I needed you?! What was that? Explain that?”

Unfairly blaming, or gassing is often an effective diversionary method because the person being attacked becomes traumatized and hurt by the unfair accusations. It is almost impossible to keep calm in the face of character assassination, and often a person’s first impulse is to defend himself or herself.

The emotionally unavailable partner succeeds in deflecting both the blame and the discussion away from themselves.

Related: 17 Manipulative Mind Games Narcissists Play To Disturb Their Victims

A strong defensive partner may be emotionally stunted and lack the abilities needed for conflict resolution: empathy, insight, openness, and accountability. Understanding the manipulations that occur during conflict may help an emotionally intelligent person navigate the dysfunctional dynamic and maintain their mental health.