Publicly, narcissists are known for their aversion to kissing and holding hands. Even privately, they tend to avoid hugs, affection, and even intimacy, leaving their partners feeling rejected and hopeless.
The reasons why narcissists withhold affection in relationships are complex and multifaceted. At its core, narcissists avoid love and affection for the following reasons:
- It makes them feel incredibly vulnerable.
Narcissists likely experienced no intimacy, warmth, touch, or affection in their childhood. They were negatively impacted by the inflated egos of their abusive parents. They were never seen for who they truly were, and they were never loved.
In extreme cases, narcissists were never truly desired. Every breath they took was perceived as a violation of their parents’ existence. As a result, their true selves became barren and devoid of warmth, while their inflated selves became a protective shell. If you embrace them, acknowledge their existence, or see them for who they truly are, your warmth penetrates their depths, revealing their repressed pain, anger, and sadness. They then recoil and withdraw.
- You are not a “high-quality” source of support.
Narcissists want you to provide them with sex, services, attention, and other forms of narcissistic support. If you can do this and then leave them alone when they’ve had enough, that’s ideal. Love and affection are simply a burden they don’t want to deal with .
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This is especially true if you aren’t attractive, knowledgeable, intelligent, or “high-class” enough to satisfy them. Narcissists categorize people into a binary: low-quality support source or high-quality support source. They rarely accept affection from a low-quality support source, which evokes a feeling of disgust in them.
With a high-quality support source, however, they project perfection onto their victim, and affection becomes almost like a drug. They crave it. If they consistently withhold love and affection, you may be a secondary source of affection for them.
- Punishment
If they are a secondary source of affection, narcissists will withhold affection when they are angry with you. Their anger, vulnerability, and resentment are overwhelming, so they withdraw. Furthermore, they enjoy hurting their “perfect” partner and bringing them down from their pedestal.
