It is often asked, “Why are we always attracted to people who do us wrong?” Now the question is legitimate because most of us have been there.

But the answer is very simple: because your wounded self attracts another wounded soul.

You must be wondering what I referred to as a “wounded soul”. Read on to find out what I mean and to understand how toxic people work in your life, and why we choose people who are at fault for us.

Why are we attracted to people who are wrong for us?

Toxic people bring the baggage of their problems and dump it on us. It always leaves you behind with critical issues and a damaged psyche. Toxic people are not only wrong for us but downright destructive.

So why are we always attracted to people who do us wrong in the first place? It’s not like we’re unaware that a certain person is toxic to us. The signs are quite loud and on the face.

But you resent the way you’re drawn over and over again. Well, to tell you, the error is not your fault.

why?

Because your tendency to be attracted to the wrong people who hurt you is caused by the pattern of your past experiences and attachment style.

Most, if not all, of us, at some levels, have loaded ourselves into adolescence and adulthood with unmet needs from our childhood years. Needs can be of different types – the need to be noticed, the need to be independent, the need to be cared for, and the need to be accepted and loved, most of which can only be met by our primary caregivers.

This does not mean that your parents or your primary caregiver are to blame for the situation in which you end up on your own. For only situational reasons, some parents cannot meet all the needs of their children.

It could be a personal reason – work, financial reason, situational reason – separation from spouse, death of a spouse, the birth of a new baby, or even medical reasons that may keep parents busy.

These children will move to the next level of their development without meeting the needs of their earlier years.

Now, moving into the teenage years of our lives, we all come under the express freight train called puberty. And this teenage pressure makes us look at ourselves and the world in a very distorted way.

We’ve been under peer pressure to conform to the norm and at some point, we were even ready to turn ourselves into someone we never wanted to be.

We slowly lost our sense of acknowledgment of our “authentic self” and began to move rapidly toward the person we wanted to be to gain approval and approval from others. The same acceptance, love, and praise that we were denied in our childhood.

These snippets of praise and approval served as reinforcement to further push our true selves to comprehensively construct a “fake but perfect social image.”

Likewise, when someone rejected us (or had the power to reject us), we became willing to sacrifice our dignity and self-respect to diminish ourselves just to gain their approval. It gave us a kind of thrill of winning over someone hard to win.

That thrill of working hard enough, of pushing ourselves above our limits to win their hearts gave us the sense of control over ourselves that we had been forever searching for in the years when we were truly swayed by societal norms.

As we matured sexually and began seeking modern romantic partners, we were drawn to people who could recreate the same dynamics we had with our primary goal of connection.

Years of perpetuating this toxic pattern of approval have led us to the idea that the love and praise earned by overcoming challenges is a prize we have won. We subconsciously begin to be drawn to people who have needs that need to be met.

And so part of our cognitive schema has evolved around the idea that we have to satisfy all of the other person’s needs to earn their love and adoration, just as we earlier got love from our parents’ repeated offering. Effect. This is one of the main reasons why you might be attracted to the wrong people.

When we win the love of these people, we have a sense of completeness. All we want is to feel complete when receiving their affection. In our desire to be our “other half”, we keep chasing after them, even those who don’t need us or are also not the right people for us in reality, hoping that these people will give us back what we are willing to give – enduring devotion and love.

But alas, we rarely end well. The people who need rescuing: the bad guy and the lone wolf are the ones who attract our “incomplete selves” because these people need the love we are willing to give.

Also, these people need saviors who can provide them with the resources they need. Once they exhaust the benefits, they usually move on, leaving you with a broken heart.

The interesting irony here is that we are not attracted to the wrong people, we are attracted to someone who has similar needs and past experiences as us. Our wounded soul attracts another wounded soul in search of rescuers.

And you are more than willing to save them because you identify with their pain and need for rescue. You wish you could be saved and you end up saving them as you know the pain of feeling depressed.

It’s crucial to be aware of your romantic partner’s selection pattern because once you start going down the slippery slope of an unhealthy relationship, you’ll only find yourself at rock bottom.

Understanding why you are always attracted to partners with similar characteristics may mean that you are subconsciously trying to stay in a difficult and painful situation with the wrong person. Because the challenge is what you find comfort in.

You need to break this cycle to heal. If necessary, seek help from a professional counselor or psychotherapist to break this cycle.

Why are we attracted to people who are wrong for us?

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