Are you in a transactional relationship? Reciprocal love is a form of romantic interest that results in a relationship of convenience. It can be seen as a business transaction where the focus is not on enhancing the emotional connection, but on what one has to give and can receive from one’s partner.

Let’s explore the meaning of a transactional relationship to see if you are involved in it.

What is the transactional relationship?

Frankly, a transactional relationship feels more like a business transaction than an actual relationship. It can be considered a “business transaction” where two people enter into a romantic relationship where one partner provides certain favors or “gifts” and the other partner provides favors in return. A relationship is based more on meeting needs, expectations, and reciprocity than on attraction, feelings, or support.

According to exchange relationship psychology, the focus is entirely on how each individual benefits from the relationship, even though there may be some level of attraction and love involved. Here one partner gives only with the expectation of getting something in return.

The traditional gender roles observed in marriages, where the husband provides for the wife by bringing food to the table and the wife takes care of the husband’s needs and the home, is one example of a classic transactional relationship. However, the transactional relationship between other family members, friends, co-workers, and dating relationships can also be observed.

Signs of correlation

Do you know the signs that you are in a transactional relationship? Here are some of the most common transactional relationship characteristics that you should know −

Focus on personal benefits
Quid pro quo is the basis of the reciprocal relationship. No wonder both partners are so focused on how to get the most out of the relationship. Increased concern for one’s own benefits and what the other person has to offer makes this relationship more like a business agreement than anything else.

The greater focus on what can be gained from the relationship makes this relationship less passionate. If one partner provides money and financial stability, the other partner is expected to take care of the family and the partner’s needs. However, when one fails to provide service or there is a lack of reciprocity, the relationship can easily fail.

Equal give and take
While both partners will always try to get more than they give in a relationship, each partner generally takes as much as they give. An equal give-and-take policy helps maintain balance in a relationship because it often lacks true love, support, and care.

So if your relationship is built entirely on equal exchange and what you do to your partner depends on what you get from him, then this is not love. It’s a bargain. Sugar daddy or sugar mama relationships are always of this type.

Dissatisfaction with the relationship
Since a marriage or relationship is mostly a transaction, both partners often feel resentment and dissatisfaction in a transactional relationship. Since they are more interested in getting more than they are giving but rarely being able to do so, they are constantly looking for opportunities to get more time, money, things, expensive items, sex, or whatever their relationship politics are.

This makes them very manipulative and keeps them on edge most of the time. As you can find out, this leads to a lot of stress and anxiety and eventually they start to resent their partner. Even worse, they are unable to rely on their partner for emotional and mental support, care or affection which leads to a lot of dissatisfaction, hopelessness and even symptoms of depression.

The lack of true love
There is only an exchange of things, services, and benefits in a transactional relationship, and there is no exchange of love and affection. This is one of the basic characteristics of a transactional relationship. The two partners do not share any emotional bond unlike in a “normal” healthy relationship.

They do not enjoy each other’s company like normal couples. They are not motivated to make the other person happy. They do not want to love or be loved. They only think of personal gain and want the benefits that come from the relationship. It is primarily a business transaction, not love. It is a selfish, unhealthy romantic relationship that lacks true romance, care, and affection.

High expectations
Transactional love cannot exist without the expectation of both partners. Every action is made with the expectation of something in return. Both partners can expect one thing or the other from the other individual, including –

Energy
financial gain
Marital status
sexual services
legitimacy
others

The expectation of something we desire but cannot independently achieve is one of the very basic reasons most people enter into a transactional relationship. They believe that this relationship will help them achieve their goals, make their lives more interesting and earn the respect of others.

More transactional relationship tags

Apart from the above characteristics, here are some other signs of a transactional relationship −

If your partner is very demanding and always wants you to do something for them without you doing much in return, you may be in an unknowingly transactional relationship.
You tend to negotiate and renegotiate the terms of your relationship with your partner in order to get the most benefits from it.
Your partner is a narcissist and lacks emotions and empathy. They never hesitate to use people for their own needs.
Your relationship agreement is well documented so that the terms are not violated. This means having a prenuptial agreement.
You have clearly defined what the deal breaker is and both parties are keen to keep their end of the deal as long as it serves them.
You willingly enjoy being in a mutual relationship, but your friends and family are not supportive of your decision and have isolated themselves.
You and your partner feel like two independent individuals in a transactional relationship and never more like a single-minded couple with each other.

Related: When Someone You Love Becomes Toxic

You or your partner or both of you tend to be judgmental of other people’s actions and are always aware of how their behavior will benefit you. Both parties tend to believe that they are superior to the other.
Your relationship lacks depth and meaning because it is superficial, empty, and volatile. This opens the door to cheating and infidelity.
Both of you tend to have selfish personalities in the relationship and always care more about personal gain than your partner.
You and your partner tend to compete with each other a lot rather than support each other.
Not providing or meeting your partner’s expectations and needs can create chaos and may lead to the end of the relationship.
The difference between a transactional relationship and a healthy relationship
Unlike a healthy romantic relationship or marriage, people in a mutual relationship are more interested in seeking benefits than love, admiration, care, support, comfort, and companionship. This pattern of the business side of a romantic relationship is mostly observed in arranged marriages. Here the primary focus is on the other person’s marital status, family background, and financial stability, rather than an emotional attachment.

But in a healthy, loving relationship, known as a relational relationship, the focus is more on building a stronger emotional connection and bond with the other person than on personal gain. Here, as spouses share close intimate and emotional bonds, this type of relationship tends to last longer, even when faced with arguments, disappointments, and unmet needs and expectations. Such relationships often exist between romantic partners, spouses, parents, children, and so on.

Relational vs transactional relationship

In a transactional relationship, “gifts” are given only to receive something else in return, not to make the other person feel special and happy. None of the partners do anything for the sake of doing just that. If you’re constantly asking yourself “if I’m doing this and when am I going to get it in return,” it may mean that you’re in a traditional relationship.

Both partners tend to be self-serving and do something just in the hope that their needs will be met. Both parties only do a set amount of work to get what they want and when their expectations are not met, everything falls apart. These relationships are so fragile and fragmented that arguments can start easily and bonds can end if one partner fails to deliver what they promise. That is why such relationships do not last long.

But in a healthy relationship, both partners are always focused on taking care of the other person out of love and concern. There are no ulterior or ulterior motives. Partners willingly make sacrifices for each other and adjust their beliefs, needs, and perspectives to strengthen the relationship. Here, both partners give without any expectations or greed. Partners support each other rather than compete with each other. They give to each other because giving to their partners makes them happy. They work as a team, not as individuals. They do not act as business partners, but as loving partners who will stand by each other through thick and thin.

Pros and cons of reciprocal relationships

Like any other relationship, there are some benefits to a transactional relationship and some risks to a transactional relationship. Here are some of the pros and cons that you should be aware of –

Advantages of transactional relationship

You always get what you want
Have clear boundaries and expectations from the relationship
Your relationship agreement ensures that you will not be disappointed
There is no unnecessary drama or chaos to deal with
The terms of the relationship can be renegotiated
Related Topics: How to Be Your Own Person and Succeed in Marriage

Disadvantages of the reciprocal relationship

You should always do what your partner wants and meet their needs
You constantly have to keep score and worry about “win or lose” in the relationship
Constant expectation from your partner can lead to burnout, stress, imbalance, and frustration
Your relationship could easily end because of one simple mistake
True love can never be dealt with

Transactional relationships are not necessarily bad or toxic. For some couples, it can actually work, as it can in many arranged marriages. But such relationships are generally less satisfying and rewarding.

In a real relationship, we do things to our partner simply because we want to. Not because we expect something in return. But when we start observing who does what to another and how much they do, it starts to turn into a business transaction – where you count your profits and losses.

A true relationship is based on love, trust, mutual respect, and shared interests and values. It is about how to grow as a couple and not about the subjective benefits. If you find yourself in a mutual relationship, pause and think about what your relationship means to you and your future. Life is about love and happiness, not things.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

How to avoid a transactional relationship?

Let go of expectations. Focus on building a real emotional connection and making sure your partner is not a narcissist. Be patient and shift your focus towards growth and development as a couple.

Is the transactional relationship healthy?

No, transactional relationships are not necessarily healthy because they lack true love, care, support, trust, empathy, and compassion. The relationship is not focused on companionship, but personal gain.

Is transactional love real love?

Mutual love is an agreement between two parties. She is selfish and comes with conditions – “If you spare me, I’ll take care of you.” True love is selfless and unconditional.

What is transactional intimacy?

It refers to sexual experiences or services that are performed to get something in return. Although both people may be in a relationship, sex usually only occurs when something is promised in return.

What is the transactional relationship in action?

Refers to a mutual give-and-take relationship where co-workers and colleagues agree to look after each other in a professional environment.

Do we have a transactional relationship with our peers?

Yes, we can have a transactional relationship with our peers but these are not usually ideal and may pose some risks. It often leads to resentment.