When Someone You Love Becomes Toxic

It is very difficult to know how and when someone you love becomes toxic. It is never easy to determine if someone is toxic to you. Especially if it’s someone you love and care about. Someone who has played a major role in your life. Someone who has had such a positive influence on you.

“Not all toxic people are callous and uncaring. Some of them love us very much. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our existence simply because their needs and way of being in the world force us to compromise with ourselves and our happiness. They are not inherently bad people, but they are not the right people for us. And to the extent that It’s hard, we have to let them go. Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down. As far as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, Loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend, or removing yourself from a traumatic situation — you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.”
Daniel Koepke

All relationships change. As you get to know each other and overcome some milestones together, if a relationship doesn’t adjust and doesn’t evolve together, the shift can easily go from one of the healthiest relationships to one of the most toxic.

And what makes it hard to let someone like that go is that you love and care about them, but there comes a point where you both have to realize that you’re not taking advantage of each other the way you used to.

A healthy relationship is a balanced relationship. A place where a person meets exactly halfway. A place where you don’t feel like you’re trying too hard.

A place where someone is involved in your success and happiness. Where someone helps make things happen. So how does a healthy relationship suddenly fall apart and turn toxic? How do two people who love and care about each other suddenly turn out to be not-so-good versions of themselves?

It is about the relationship not evolving as you are. People are meant to evolve, grow and adapt. But a lot of relationships don’t have this simplistic ability to do that and always provide you with what you need. The most difficult thing is to determine if some part of your story is out.

Related: What Drives Emotional Abuse in Relationships

Did they teach me everything they could? Did I do the best I could for them? Can I walk away with my head held high in this relationship with the respect that there isn’t much either of us can gain from this?

But too often we let history determine our future. We cling to people we shouldn’t just because of who they are and what they mean to us. And when you stick with someone just because you have a history, it doesn’t mean you have a guaranteed future.

But many of us cling to what was rather than looking to what is now.

The person who once loved you treats you badly and you allow it.

Someone who was once fiercely independent can easily become clingy, you try too hard and they get overwhelmed.

A person who used to appreciate everything you have to give suddenly starts to expect these things. And you wonder what changed and yet you keep trying when they aren’t worth your effort.

Someone you were close to but kept at arm’s length suddenly you were talking to every day and they became a habit. Then they start ignoring you.

Someone whose attention you never really cared for, right now, you’re jumping through hoops that threaten your self-esteem to get back into the relationship you had before.

Related: 4 Ways You Unintentionally Fall In Love With A Narcissist

Judge people who are not copies of who you want or expect them to be.

When it comes to any relationships you can’t get back. You can only move forward if this relationship is not developing as you are, it will hinder your growth.

Nor should you focus on when the relationship was healthy and how to get it back. The best people are the ones who know when something is over. Those who let certain people go because they have to. People who know when a relationship was good and sometimes good things don’t always last.

Related: The Narcissistic Lover’s Playbook: Stages of Relationship With a Narcissist

A love relationship becomes toxic when both of you don’t grow the way you need to.

And just because the person you love and care about isn’t meant for you, in the long run, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or flawed with you.

The best thing you can do is take the best parts of someone and use them to improve yourself.

You want to honor someone you love and care about, let them go when their time is up in your story, and use the good parts of their personality to become the best version of yourself.