To get to the heart of narcissism, we need to understand human psychology and what drives people to adopt it as a way of life. Once we understand this, we can define a narcissist and why narcissistic abuse manifests in relationships with them.
Understanding The Narcissist Psychology
We begin our journey to understanding narcissism by looking at the core of humanity: the true self—the source of emotion, instinct, intuition, and intrinsic strength.
The TrueSelf: Who Are We Really?
The true self is the seed of what we can become. It is an inner star, radiant with life, which, if we allow it, shapes our power in the world in incredible ways.
The true self is divine in its mission. Like the sun, its purpose is to shine brightly and enable creation. Yet, like the sun, the light of the true self casts its shadows.
If the true self is an ever-shining, ever-expanding star, then the different parts of the psyche can be considered its solar system. The true self is at the center of this universe, producing life and animating everything. What drives her to emerge into the world is what Sigmund Freud called the “Id.”
TheId: The Narcissistic Drive for Pleasure
The Id is the true self’s pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain, driven by desires, urges, and needs. Our need for love and validation, our desire for sex, our drive to avoid abandonment—all these and more lie at the heart of the Id.
The Id operates according to what Freud called the “pleasure principle.” When you are hungry, you eat. When you are thirsty, you drink. When you want attention, you seek it. If you like something, you take it. If you feel uncomfortable about something, you avoid it. And when someone bothers you, you get angry or get rid of them. Like a child, the Id is blind in its pursuit of gratification until, of course, it faces the consequences of its actions.
The Ego: Perceiving Ourselves and the World
Our motivations may clash with those of others, and our environment doesn’t always meet our needs. To achieve what we want, we sometimes need to restrain our desires and first analyze, anticipate, and understand the world around us—a task that requires intellect. With each experience, we mentally map out how best to interact with our surroundings.
As we move through the world, we begin to notice the differences between ourselves and others. Some people seem confident, others more introverted. Some are more assertive, others more submissive.
Moreover, how people treat us changes based on our actions. By restraining certain impulses, we notice that we are treated better, while other instincts are welcomed. Over time, we develop a concept of how the world accommodates us and our place within it. This idea of ​​who we are, and above all, of our potential, is the ego.
The ego is a concept that the mind uses to negotiate and interact with the world on our behalf. The ego determines how we behave in the world, not just what we want. Over time, this concept of ourselves develops based on the messages we receive from those around us. If we are consistently appreciated and loved, the ego believes we are worthy of love. If we are neglected, ridiculed, or abandoned, we see ourselves as inherently bad and learn to suppress our impulses.
The Shadow Descent
Starting with our parents, there will be a specific set of impulses that the world deems unacceptable. In some families, crying is forbidden, as are protesting or getting angry. Curiosity and enthusiasm may be suppressed by a rigid parent. This creates immense tension between the true self, which wants to actively expand, and the ego, which considers this “wrong.”
When our impulses clash with the world, the tension becomes unbearable. To cope, we categorically reject these impulses and deem them bad. But they don’t disappear. They remain within us, in a region of the self that Carl Jung called the shadow.
The shadow contains the drives, desires, qualities, and needs we were unable to fulfill or express. Because they were rejected by those we loved, and because they were so painful, we detached ourselves from them, pushed them deep within, and “forgotten” them. In the struggle between clinging to love and expressing our authenticity, we sacrificed essential parts of ourselves to gain acceptance. As we matured, we developed a kind of amnesia to ensure we never confronted these “missing” aspects, oblivious to the fact that the past will eventually return to haunt us.
The False Self: Who We Wish We Were
Between the rigid ego and the inflated shadow lies an unbearable tension. The best way to relieve this tension is to satisfy those desires within our immediate surroundings. But when we decide our impulses are negative, this tension persists. We are then forced to release it through addictive behaviors and substances, aggressive actions, overworking, overeating, binge-watching, and other forms of escapism.
Another effective way to relieve shadow tension is through imagination. In this way, we numb our pain and create the illusion of fulfilling our impulses. We imagine a perfect person rescuing us from our prison of suffering. We dream of our circumstances magically changing, or we imagine going somewhere else where our lives might improve.
Related : The Long-Term Effects Of Narcissistic Abuse
Imagination can also influence our concept of self, or ego. If we are constantly rejected, neglected, and mistreated, the resulting tension drives us to compensate by imagining ourselves as desirable, special, or even superior. While this may offer some comfort, it inevitably clashes with reality. Like drugs, when the imagination runs dry, we need a stronger dose to get back to where we were.
Similarly, the stronger the dark side, the stronger the imagination. In extreme cases, when a large part of the true self is cast into the shadows, it is lost. Imagination then becomes the only defense, where one’s superior self-image crystallizes within the ego and takes shape as a grand, false self—a construct detached from reality.
The false self is an imagined idea of ​​one’s identity, compensating for perceived flaws and shortcomings. Meanwhile, the dark side, with all its rejected aspects, lies dormant, ready to erupt. A cold war ensues between the “completely bad” dark side and the “completely good” grand false self, poised to ignite at any moment. The ground is then fertile for the growth of narcissism. This entire process is fueled by what is known as the “narcissistic supply.”
What is the narcissistic supply? The Fuel of Narcissism
Narcissistic supply is the feeling of being seen, accepted, and recognized by others, which inflates feelings of joy, pride, and power.
Being seen and accepted by others validates our true selves. This can be an exhilarating and intoxicating feeling. When people pay attention to us, interact with us, or give us something, they are feeding us with narcissistic supply. In short, narcissistic supply is recognition and validation from another person.
For healthy individuals, narcissistic supply helps them maintain a healthy sense of self-worth and meet their needs. A certain amount of narcissistic supply is necessary for a powerful life. Too much of it corrupts one’s sense of power, while enough is enough to keep the world running.
For the narcissist, however, it is a drug they use to feed their false self.
What is Narcissism?
With this map showing the true self, identity, ego, shadow, false self, and the source of narcissistic feeding, we return to the important question: What is narcissism, and what is a narcissist?
Metaphorically, narcissism is like inflating a balloon. The balloon in this analogy represents the false narcissistic self, and the helium is the source of narcissistic feeding.
When someone receives your attention, they get helium for their balloon. When someone can control your reaction, they also get helium to keep their balloon inflated. Providing someone with cooperation and resources can also contribute to inflating their balloon. Receiving praise for your talents or appearance is like helium for your narcissistic balloon.
In the case of a narcissist, this inflated balloon state protects them from experiencing their underlying trauma. To escape his own shadow, the narcissist began to bolster his false self by seeking attention, validation, cooperation, and validation. He found that the more he inflated his self-image, the more powerful and satisfied he felt.
The narcissist constantly worked to maintain this state. He would never risk having anyone or anything shatter this false self. This leads us to the next question:
What is a narcissist?
A narcissist is someone who:
a) has completely lost his true self in his shadow,
b) has replaced it with an imagined false self that he considers superior in every way,
c) constantly feels compelled to feed this false self with narcissistic gratification,
d) all in the hope of avoiding confronting his painful and unacceptable core.
A narcissist is someone who has never been seen, accepted, or loved for his true self, so he resorts to creating a false, “superior” image in his mind to compensate for this lack. To cope with the stress of denying their true needs, drives, and desires, the narcissist resorts to fantasy, creating a false self through which to interact with the world.
Normally, a person interacts with the world through their ego by creating what Carl Jung called a “persona.” An example of a persona is a doctor examining a patient, or a politician performing their duties. A persona is accompanied by a set of behaviors and expectations, a practical means of fulfilling a role in society. Behind this persona lies the person’s true nature, which they conceal.
In the case of the narcissist, however, their persona is a false self with a single purpose: to conceal the pain caused by their shadow. The narcissist avoids their true self at all costs, while simultaneously maintaining a false image of a superior self.
To maintain this sense of superiority, the narcissist needs someone to compare themselves to. Therefore, maintaining this false image requires the narcissist to reinforce and nurture it from external sources, even if it necessitates manipulation, control, and abuse.
What is Narcissistic Abuse?
A narcissist lives in a never-ending cycle, doing everything possible to maintain their false image, while their own shadow constantly threatens to surface. As long as they feel superior and get what they want, everything is fine. This feeling will never end.
The narcissist maintains their false image of superiority through fantasy, humiliation, and manipulation—all of which fall under the umbrella of narcissistic abuse.
- Fantasy
To always feel superior, a narcissist needs to ignore reality. To achieve this, they need their fantasy.
The narcissist lives in a fantasy world, and as a result, they force everyone they interact with to enter this fantasy world as well. Therefore, the narcissist bestows an aura of perfection on everyone they deem worthy, imagining them to be loyal, loving, generous, attractive, intelligent, and so on.
A narcissist has only two criteria: either the person is of exceptional value, or they are the perfect source of gratification for their narcissism. In other words, a narcissist tolerates only the ideal person, or the perfect servant. One reinforces the narcissist’s sense of superiority through attachment, and the other through subjugation.
Glorifying others is narcissistic abuse because it distorts their self-image and denies their reality. The narcissist numbs their victim with the “drug of glorification,” showering them with praise in every possible way. No one is perfect, but the narcissist somehow convinces their victim that they are. If the victim doesn’t live up to the narcissist’s high expectations, the narcissistic abuse will take its darkest form.
- Shaming
If you don’t live up to the narcissist’s expectations, they will ridicule, criticize, question, and attack you until you do. Through shaming, the narcissist forces you to feel inadequate, thus compelling you to exert significant effort to correct your perceived shortcomings. Shame is a natural human emotion that keeps us in line with societal expectations. We evolved to feel shame because we needed to be responsible and fit in. We had to possess a set of skills and qualities while adhering to the moral code of society. Every time we fell short, we felt intense shame, which motivated us to improve and, consequently, increased our chances of survival.
Remember, a narcissist doesn’t live in reality and expects nothing less than perfection. They expect others to conform to their idealized image, or to be the perfect servant. Because they are human, the victim will never live up to the narcissist’s expectations.
The narcissist’s goal in humiliating the victim is not to make them a better servant of their group, but rather to reinforce a false and distorted self-image. The narcissist humiliates the victim to force them to conform to their idealized vision of perfection or to force them to continue gratifying their narcissistic desires.
However, the narcissist must always be the superior one. No one can reach their level. Therefore, in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ll find yourself caught between the pressure of striving for perfection and loyalty, and the pressure of feeling inferior to the narcissist. This is the essence of narcissistic abuse.
- Manipulation
The narcissist defies reality to maintain their illusion of superiority. But as we all know, reality has its own way of asserting itself in our lives. The narcissist’s last resort is to distort reality through manipulation.
As a result, the narcissist will resort to lying, denial, deception, fabrication, and psychological manipulation to maintain their illusion. They will distort the truth about their accomplishments, deny their mistakes, and even tell you outright that things weren’t as you remember them. What’s most infuriating about narcissistic abuse is that it forces you to question your own reality.
This triad of narcissistic abuse is a truly harrowing experience. First, the narcissist softens you up by drawing you into their fantasy world, then shames you into conforming to their idealized standards, all while manipulating and distorting your reality to soothe their own inner sense of inadequacy. The narcissist’s sole purpose—which they consider their highest value and moral imperative—is to avoid their painful, dark side and maintain their inflated, delusional image of a “superior” self.
This is the definition of narcissism. It’s a never-ending cycle of self-behavior unless one takes steps to educate and protect themselves.
