If the narcissist has any regard for you, and you ignore them when they crave attention, it can reopen old wounds.

Narcissists have fragile hearts. While they don’t seek to be pampered, appreciated, told how special they are, or have others sacrifice themselves for them, they do expect a fair number of people to do so.

If you are someone the narcissist craves attention, admiration, or any other form of gratification—if you are one of their chosen few—they won’t be happy if your source of gratification disappears.

You have a role to play: to gratify them. You should be grateful that you are sacrificing yourself for this noble cause. Don’t even think about giving up this important role. They need you, and you are not important to them, so just do your part.

If you don’t play your part, it will trigger feelings of frustration, jealousy, irritability, and anxiety in them, as well as feelings of low self-esteem and possibly fear of abandonment.

When you don’t play your part, when you signal to the narcissist that there are more important things than giving them your undivided attention, it hurts them.

They hate being reminded that they are just ordinary people… even at the best of times.

Cutting ties with a narcissist can be a harrowing experience, akin to abruptly quitting an addiction.

If a narcissist abandons you, it can feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself overnight. The sudden shock and pain can leave you feeling nauseous, as if you’re on the brink of collapse. Even if you were the one who ended the relationship due to abuse, the pain and longing can be so intense that you might want to go back.

In any case, a complete break from a narcissist is rarely possible.

Preparing for the Battle

Cutting off contact is a wise idea. But, like a cancer spreading, it can feel like you’re undergoing chemotherapy for your soul. Without cutting ties, the narcissist remains ingrained within you, continuing to spread. This drastic curbing of your unbridled desires will ultimately save your life.

Once you declare the break, civil war begins. A terrible sense of loneliness creeps in. Sleepless nights, filled with anxiety, take over your moonlit hours. You are beset by agonizing thoughts about what the narcissist is doing and whether they are even thinking about you. A crippling feeling of abandonment poisons you. The pain of separation lashes at your chest like a thousand lashes. Beautiful memories fade before you like a mirage. A warm longing to meet and return to the narcissist tempts you.

While it may be difficult to realize this while you are immersed in the experience, a breakup reveals essential truths. These messages are an important aspect of a breakup that may escape the attention of those suffering from grief and pain. This may prevent you from seeing the growth opportunities inherent in the experience of a breakup.

Like any battle, you need a strategy and a plan for after the breakup. In other words, you need to understand how you will get through the most difficult stages and what awaits you next.

Here is a strategy for coping and thriving after a breakup:

Reduce Reminders

This is widely documented. Delete photos of you with the narcissist. Block them on social media. Get rid of things that remind you of them. Avoid places you used to go together. Any of these things might trigger feelings, thoughts, and desires that make letting go of the past even harder.

This first step is actually the final, disguised stage. The goal is to reach a point where you can see the narcissist’s new posts, photos of you together, or gifts they gave you without being affected. The ultimate goal of cutting ties is to wish them well, whatever they’re doing now, and to focus on your own self-actualization. In other words, the goal is indifference.

If you feel the need, get rid of all or most of the reminders to help clear your mind and emotions in preparation for the cutting journey. But remember, this internal process is still in its early stages.

Prepare for the harsh reality.

People often cite their attraction to a narcissist as stemming from their self-confidence, charm, obsession, and desire to achieve grand dreams.

It’s tempting to be with someone who seems capable of handling life, easing your anxieties, and making you feel fulfilled—someone who caters to all your needs, wants to be with you alone forever, will help you build the perfect family, and bring you endless success.

But losing all of that is equally devastating. Your mind, body, and soul have convinced you that you have everything. You felt complete with the narcissist, and now you’re shattered.

Can one person truly be the solution to all your challenges and problems? How grounded were you in reality during that relationship? Did you ever experience a persistent feeling, like you were in a perpetual cycle for months, with the memory of your “real” life lingering somewhere deep within your mind?

As you gaze back on your seemingly perfect relationship with the narcissist, the picture may begin to fade. You feel a shock, then you look more closely. The image fades again, until you begin to see beyond it. The pain surges. “Identities” crystallize. Insights. Intuitions. Outbursts of anger. Doubts. Sudden moments of realization. Everything you’ve repressed to maintain this illusion. This is your true self screaming through the now-open door of its prison. It’s the truth reasserting itself.

Distinguishing between illusion and reality in a relationship with a narcissist can be incredibly difficult. When the truth involves deep trauma and pain, illusion may be the only defense we have against succumbing to despair and suffering. There may be painful truths about who we are and where we come from that are too difficult to face.

A relationship with a narcissist can control your mood, mask your problems, and distract you from seeing, and most importantly, feeling, the underlying truth. That’s why cutting ties is so crucial. It allows you to feel what’s really there, instead of clinging to a false illusion. Illusion is a painkiller. To succeed in living without communication, you must be prepared to accept the truth.

At the heart of the pain lies all the information you need to evolve and grow after the civil war ends. This is your reward for patience: truth, freedom, and limitless possibilities.

Meeting Your Basic Needs

Imagination often overlooks two crucial elements for coping and thriving in general: our basic needs and, consequently, the deep wounds we carry as a result of neglecting or betraying those needs.

Basic needs are the building blocks of a healthy self. They are the spiritual and psychological fuel we need to become strong and independent individuals. We crave the fulfillment of these needs as we crave water. When these needs go unmet, are exploited, or betrayed, we suffer immeasurably. The stakes are high, and they remain so as long as these needs remain unmet.

Below is a list of basic needs and deep wounds, along with their appropriate solutions:

Victims of narcissistic abuse enter the relationship with a multitude of unmet basic needs and an equally large number of deep wounds. The narcissist gains power over you by promising to fulfill those needs. During the “love bombardment” phase, you may feel as though the narcissist is actually fulfilling those needs in real time.

Just as someone who is given water just before they are dying of thirst may easily miss the motive behind this act of giving. Too late, victims of narcissistic abuse begin to search for and understand the motives behind the narcissist’s seemingly loving behavior.

During the “love bombardment” phase, the narcissist looks at you with understanding as they identify your vulnerabilities. They will communicate with you to build your attachment, telling you that you are not only worthy of them but more important than anyone else. They will make you feel safe with their charm and make you feel desired with their constant attention.

It’s no wonder, then, that people fall for narcissists. So, when you begin to cut ties, review all your basic needs that the narcissist fulfilled. Go even further and rank these needs by their importance to you.

You might find yourself constantly wondering if the narcissist is even thinking about you. You might also see a post of them with someone new and wonder how attractive or appealing that person is compared to you.

The core of these two examples is the need to be seen, to feel important, and to be wanted (i.e., desired). Tracking your basic needs through your relationship with the narcissist helps you map your inner world.

After assessing your needs, the next step is to explore how you can fulfill these basic needs yourself and then delegate them to healthier people. By understanding your basic needs, taking responsibility for fulfilling them, and then allowing different people to fulfill your various needs, you create a sustainable sense of self and well-being.

These basic needs and the resulting emotional wounds are what fuel the narcissist’s control over your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, even after they’re gone. Meet your basic needs yourself and through others, and the cravings will begin to fade. Then, cutting off contact becomes much easier.

The Path To Transcendence Pases Through Narcissism

An unhealthy relationship can be summed up in one thing: self-sacrifice, directing the fulfillment of your basic needs toward someone who is either unable or unwilling to meet them. Doesn’t this sound familiar?

As a child, you lacked the ability to meet your own basic needs and didn’t know how to get others to do so. Your mother or father was supposed to handle everything.

If this pattern persists into adulthood, it’s likely a reaction stemming from childhood trauma. Since your need for the narcissist now dominates your entire being, reflect and ask yourself: Why is this particular person so important in my life? What makes the narcissist so special?

Proper parenting means meeting your child’s basic needs while simultaneously teaching them how to meet their own. When you truly see your child, you subconsciously show them how to see themselves. This might sound absurd, but it’s something I experienced in therapy sessions as an adult. Because I wasn’t seen as I truly was in childhood, I came to appreciate the therapist’s ability to see and nurture my essence. It wasn’t just observation; it was curious observation. And from this experience, my higher self emerged.

If there’s one thing to pay attention to during a period of disconnection, it’s the emergence of your higher self—that “one” who knows everything, sees everything, and loves everything. This is the person you mistakenly thought was the narcissist.

Your troubled childhood left you with a crippled ability to meet your basic needs because of this lack of a higher self. Either the transition never began, or it was interrupted early by divorce or another catastrophe. So, you were left with this yearning for someone higher, someone who could help you complete your unfinished journey.

The narcissist took on a form far greater than they deserved. The more intense your basic needs and deep wounds became, the more elevated and beautiful the person who met those needs appeared, just like a father or mother toward their child. This is why patients love their therapists, and why people are so drawn to narcissists during the “love bombardment” phase.

Disconnection leads to pain. Pain generates a flood of messages and signals that guide you toward your basic needs and deep wounds. Meeting those basic needs and showing love to those deep wounds is the path to building your higher self. As you do this, gradually bring healthy people into your life who will help you meet your basic needs. In this way, you can finally eliminate the narcissist and build a network of healthy, supportive relationships that bring you closer to lasting happiness.

The Path To Transcendence Pases Through Narcissism

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