If you’ve been in a relationship before, you probably know what a toxic relationship is. While not all relationships are toxic, most have some degree of toxicity and some are downright abusive. If you are trapped in a relationship with a toxic partner, you need to know the stages of a toxic relationship to know when to leave.
Although we may not initially want to believe it, a toxic relationship will eventually reveal itself no matter how much we turn a blind eye to it. Every time we are abused, we tell ourselves that it is an isolated incident. They will never do that to us again. They love us. They were just angry. But no matter how many excuses we make up inside our minds to protect our false beliefs, the signs of a toxic relationship keep sneaking up on us. As the honeymoon phase slowly wears off and gives way to toxicity, we were surprised by the sudden change in our partner. We try to convince ourselves that everything is normal. These changes are normal. But the truth is that we are so tightly trapped in the cycle of toxins.
Understanding the stages of a toxic relationship can help us better understand how a seemingly loving and healthy relationship can become abusive so quickly and what we can do to get out of it and protect ourselves.
Related: Relationship Trauma: What Does Being With An Abusive Partner Feel Like?
Is your relationship toxic?
Have you ever wondered if your relationship is healthy? Do you fight a lot? Are you happy in your relationship? Or are you moving through the stages of a toxic relationship? Every relationship is unique and has different dynamics, but all relationships follow certain patterns that make them either healthy or toxic. While even the happiest couples have their fair share of relationship problems, the negativity in toxic relationships outweighs the positive aspects of a relationship.
Toxic relationships are characterized by recurring patterns of –
- processing
- control
- selfishness
- absence of security
- Despair
- Jealous
- rejection
- possession
- selfishness
- dominance
However, when you go through the stages of a toxic relationship, you become overly attached to and drawn to your partner despite the amount of abuse you have to put up with. When you are in a toxic relationship, you and your partner may exhibit certain behaviors, such as –
One partner controls the other and has power
One partner plays the role of the submissive child while the other acts as the controlling parent
A toxic partner uses emotional manipulation and suppression to get their way
Eliminates the individual identity of the submissive partner
Uses manipulative behaviors to appear loving and gentle toward the victim
He uses emotional hunger, passion, and despair to replace actual love and connection
If you can identify these behaviors in your relationship, you are stuck in a toxic, if not abusive, relationship.
4 Stages of a toxic relationship
Here are the different stages of toxic relationships that most people go through in such situations, according to author Stephanie Moulton Serkis, Ph.D., NCC, CMHS, LMHC. –
- Perfection
The first stage is often painted in pink to bombard love. It is a strategy that narcissists and abusers use to influence and control someone through excessive attention, admiration, and affection. The researchers explain: “Love-Bombing has been identified as having excessive communication at the beginning of a romantic relationship to gain power and control over the other’s life as a means of enhancing the narcissistic self.” It is seen as a critical aspect of the abuse cycle and one of the key stages of a toxic relationship with psychologists.
During this stage, the toxic partner manipulates the victim and greatly influences her by constantly praising her, giving her constant praise and attention. Your partner or spouse will try to impress you with big gestures, expensive gifts, and surprise vacations… all to get you off your feet. The goal is to make you feel so special that you seek out their mates and their approval without thinking too much about it. They will push you to commit to the relationship sooner than you want and make you feel like it’s the best decision of your life.
Writer Stephanie Moulton Sarkis suggests “while it’s nice to be told how great you are, think about the purpose of that person’s behavior.” A toxic person is not interested in building any romantic relationship with you, their only goal is to trap you and prevent you from leaving them. They want to make you dependent and addicted to others. Once they have you within reach, the game of toxicity and abuse will slowly spread.
- Devaluation
These stages of a toxic relationship can vary greatly in how they are implemented. During this stage, the toxic partner will finally begin to use abusive strategies and act out once they are sure that you are committed to the relationship. Toxic and abusive incidents may start small and lead to something explosive, or they may be something as simple as constant criticism that continues to happen daily. Tactics and strategies may differ depending on the toxic person and the dynamics of the relationship. However, some of the common strategies that most narcissistic and toxic partners typically use during the stages of a toxic relationship include-
Ongoing unnecessary arguments and disagreements
Emotional and physical betrayal
Exploit your fears and insecurities
Constantly creating drama at the expense of your emotional and mental health
jealousy and possessiveness
passive aggressive behaviors
to be selfish
Silent or no-contact therapy
This is one of the phases of a toxic relationship where your toxic partner will begin to humiliate, insult and devalue you by commenting on your personality, physical appearance, goals, life, weaknesses, and past relationships… They will use your deepest secrets and regrets that you shared with them during the “perfect” phase against you, breaking your trust. They will ignore your limits and sabotage all your attempts to confront them until they can have complete control over you. “They may also triangulate and tell you that a trusted friend or family member said something unpleasant about you,” Stephanie Moulton Sarkis adds. They will not hesitate to lie about your loved ones so that they can isolate you from anyone who can support you or encourage you to leave a toxic relationship.
Related: Healing From The Aftermath Of A Toxic Relationship
The toxic partner will try to convince you that the problems lie with your beliefs, attitude, way of thinking, your family, profession, your ability to do chores or to please your narcissist. However, no matter how hard you try or whatever your sacrifices are, you will never be able to satisfy them. They will never be happy with you and you will always seek and validate their approval. They will always ask you to do more, sacrifice more, try harder, and be more giving up. “During the idealization stage, you couldn’t do anything wrong — now, you couldn’t do right. The issue is not with you,” says Stephanie.
- Disavow
Of all the stages of a toxic relationship, this is probably the most important stage because this is the stage of reconciliation. The toxic partner will do everything possible to justify their actions through lies, deception, manipulation, and gaslighting. They may pretend to apologize but they will always have some conditions. On the other hand, they may say that you are a toxic person and that you provoke them to become abusive. No matter who they blame, they will try to apologize for their behavior to keep you from leaving. They may try to love you back to convince you that they are your soul mate. They will make empty promises about never offending you again. You may fall for their tricks and end up forgiving them especially when they try so hard to impress you with affection, attention, flowers, gifts, and sex.
However, if you realize you have had enough of these stages of a toxic relationship and decide to leave your toxic partner, they will try desperately to stop you from leaving them. They will promise all the things they never did before and convince you that everything will be better this time. But they don’t take responsibility for their behavior and all these lies are only meant to trick you into staying with them. Writer Stephanie Moulton Serkis, Ph.D., NCC, D.C.M.H.S., L.M.H.C.
They will deceive you over and over again without their out while refusing to let you go because you are the source of a narcissist. Being with their ex while manipulating you to stay in the relationship is an ego boost for them. However, a toxic partner will only allow you to walk away or end the relationship when they find a new source of narcissism – someone more submissive, dependent, and empathetic than you. Stephanie suggests, “One of the best things you can do with a toxic person is to not call them or not call them low.”
If you are having trouble walking away from a toxic relationship, be sure to consult a therapist or mental health professional to better handle the situation while looking after your mental and emotional health.
- Recovery
Moving away and recovering from the stages of a toxic relationship can be one of the hardest things you will ever do. Leaving a relationship in which you invested your emotions, time, and energy can always be difficult. It takes a piece of your heart and soul. However, abusive relationships can lead to several mental health issues such as trauma, anxiety, and depression. So you are left with no other choice but to leave the relationship to protect yourself from constant toxicity and abuse. This can be especially difficult because you won’t get any closure and you shouldn’t expect anything.
While you may be grieving the end of a relationship, you should realize what you’re leaving behind – a relationship full of negativity and toxicity. While you may have been manipulated into believing that your toxic ex was the best thing that ever happened to you, in reality, he was an abusive person who saw him as little more than a narcissistic supply. A toxic person in relationship will never be able to love and care for you. It wasn’t your fault that the relationship ended and you didn’t deserve all the abuse you received in the relationship.
Once you realize this, the healing and recovery process can begin. The moment you learn to let go of all the pain, suffering, unhealthy attachment, and interdependence, you will truly be able to break away from the toxic relationship and heal all the pain you carry in your heart. However, it will all start with identifying the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Information is power and detaching from attachments will give you the clarity you need to move toward a better future. A future is free from toxicity and abuse and full of true love and warmth.
Related: Things I Wish I Had Known Before Falling For A Narcissist
While it is perfectly acceptable to love the person who took you through the toxic stages of a relationship even after they left, it is also necessary to love yourself. You must practice self-love and self-care because it can enable you to relive the cycle of abuse and begin the cycle of recovery.
Rise above toxicity
Toxic relationships can not only break your heart, but they can also break your mind and soul. Understanding the stages of a toxic relationship can help you identify the signs early, avoid triggers, and help you leave the relationship before it becomes abusive. When you are aware of patterns of toxicity in relationships, you can choose to step back and walk away from them.
Loving yourself, understanding your needs, and caring for yourself is the key to healing. Letting go of a toxic person will help you regain strength and build better, healthier, and more positive relationships in the future.
Related: Narcissistic Supply: How You Provide Necessary Ignition for the Narcissist’s Fuel
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
Are a toxic relationship and an unhealthy relationship the same?
Toxic relationships can become abusive over time, but unhealthy relationships can get better and healthier when both partners put in the effort. Toxic relationships are difficult to change and can involve abusive behavior.
What are the signs of an unhealthy relationship?
Some of the most common signs of an unhealthy relationship include controlling behavior, insecurity, dependence on others, dishonesty, avoidance, disrespect, hostility, intimidation, harassment, control, etc.
What does a toxic relationship do to someone?
A toxic relationship can have serious mental and emotional effects on the victim. It can negatively affect their confidence, self-esteem, and sense of self-worth. It can make them feel worthless, misunderstood, unsupported, and attacked, and can lead to anxiety and depression.
