A relationship of coercive control can leave a deep and harmful impression on the mind. While being physically free is easy, emotionally and mentally healing is not a very short process. But at the same time, recovery can occur after a controlling relationship.
It takes a long time to recover from an abusive and controlling relationship. Surveillance, isolation, stalking and abuse leave their mark. Here are suggestions for people who have left a coercive relationship. People who are still in such a relationship should seek help from a domestic violence advocate, even if there is no physical violence involved.
But after a breakup – before they feel fully better again – victims/survivors need to focus on recovery. I have organized these proposed activities under the acronym RECOVERY.
Here Is How You Can Recover From A Controlling Relationship
- Reclaiming activities that had been blocked by the abuser.
For instance, Sharon’s partner did not want her to go on walks alone. After separating, she felt a wave of liberation every time she laced up her walking shoes.
- Embodying.
Being kind to one’s body by becoming physically active and eating well helps a person feel better all around. In a controlling relationship, many people become alienated from their physical selves.
For instance, Pat had no choice about when to engage in sex nor about what food to prepare for the family. Walking, yoga, dancing, lifting weights, stretching, bopping to the radio—all these can help survivors feel their vitality again.
Related: The 4 Stages Of A Toxic Relationship That Can Break And Rebuild You
- Connecting with family, friends, and supportive professionals.
Abusers deliberately separate their victims from others. Reconnecting with their social circle helps survivors regain support and a sense of themselves.
Abby’s husband made it difficult for her to visit her parents and complained every time she was on the phone with friends. Over time, she grew more and more dependent on him for all her social contact and her self-esteem plummeted. After their separation, Abby discovered that her loved ones were eager to spend time with her again.
Psychotherapists also provide important support for survivors and help them face the challenges ahead. To be effective with survivors, therapists must understand the concept of coercive control—which is still a new idea to many.
- Organizing time and physical space can help a person feel less overwhelmed.
After Katrina moved out with her children, all the possessions she had been able to grab were in plastic bags and she despaired of ever feeling “normal” again.
Arranging her belongings into labeled boxes in her shelter room helped her feel more settled. She noticed that her children responded positively to a more orderly living space, too. A daily routine also helps organize one’s emotional life.
- Pronunciation.
Sharing the true story of a relationship – in ways that seem right – can be empowering. Some survivors start keeping diaries in which they can be honest with themselves. Then they talk to selected friends and family who they know will be supportive. Telling a true story helps survivors deal with their feelings and may also have positive practical implications.
For example, when Carla explained her situation at home, her boss became more assertive about her ex being denied access to the workplace and not giving him any information over the phone regarding Carla’s whereabouts.
Related Healing From The Aftermath Of A Toxic Relationship
- Express yourself creatively.
dance. fee. Gardens. singing. Many victims are creatively closed off during a coercive controlling relationship, preoccupied with fulfilling all of their partners’ demands. Unlocking one’s creative side can be a step on the road to recovery.
When her abusive relationship ended, Kris started drawing cartoons and then repainted her apartment in vibrant colors. She loved the choice of painting herself and – room by room – because she was using the roller which felt like covering up bad memories and reclaiming the space as “its own” in a new way.
- Remembering.
Some survivors compile a list of control incidents they experienced. The list helps them appreciate what they have been through and realize their strength. They can be proud of the courage they have shown and look forward to a full life as a free person.
Greg kept a list on his computer. He added to it because he remembered the abusive incidents. After a few months, he printed the list, read it, and began to appreciate how much he was under his partner’s control. Reviewing the list reinforced his gratitude for being free and his determination not to allow himself to get back into the relationship again.
- You.
Survivors need to learn to put themselves at the center of their lives. After organizing their time around the abusers’ demands, it can be difficult for survivors to even remember their opinions and desires. Abusers convince their victims that their opinions are stupid and wrong, which leads the victims to change the way they view themselves and the world.
Stark (2007) referred to this omission of the victim’s perspective in the coercive control relationship as “perspectivist”. Survivors often hear the critical critic’s voice in their heads. You must learn to replace this sound with a pleasant sound.
When Maria finally convinced her boyfriend to get out, at first she felt lost without him. She felt as if she was not herself and does not remember how she once lived without the constant demands and presence of her boyfriend.
Over time, she rediscovered her views and began to pursue the hobbies that she once loved. She began to enjoy spending time alone and with friends and family, without having to constantly check for her boyfriend’s approval.
Related: Relationship Trauma: What Does Being With An Abusive Partner Feel Like?
It is normal for survivors to feel fear and regret from time to time. Looking forward gives them hope. It is usually best for survivors to separate themselves as much as possible from the controlling person and their acquaintances, so they cannot be controlled or monitored by someone else (of course, this would require a different kind of planning if they were sharing young children).
Survivors can look forward to a fulfilling life after ending a coercive control relationship. Healing doesn’t happen overnight but over time – it happens.
