Getting involved in a toxic relationship at any time can lead to hurt and trauma. Even when you decide to walk away, you still find yourself helpless. Here’s what life looks like after a toxic relationship.

People often associate those in toxic relationships with weak people. Someone who does not have enough self-esteem to go away. Someone tolerates much less than they deserve.

But as someone who has gone through the ups and downs and ends of life only to start over, I look at myself as strong. Strong out of the other side. Yes, a little stained but no one walks in the fire, and does not burn a little.

I thought I was strong to hold on for so long. Strong enough to believe in someone and respect my feelings enough not to walk away. Strong to love someone.

When people ask about him and our relationship, I don’t look at it negatively. I look back and see love.

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Love under the ashes and the chaos we created in each other’s lives. Because maybe it wasn’t just him who was toxic. I think more than that, I was toxic to myself for continuing to run in circles that I knew would lead me to the same place.

The truth was that he was the one who finished it. I will never give up on him. I would keep trying. I was going to try until I destroyed myself. And I did it at the right time.

It was like some drug and every hit got me to that level and I always came back for more. I don’t know much about drugs but I know people can be as addictive to any solid substance.

That’s all it is addiction, trying to find comfort in the same thing that is destroying you.

He said goodbye one night and it didn’t hurt anymore. I was sedated for it. And that’s what was so scary about it. I’ve been hurt so many times that it doesn’t even bother me anymore.

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But the hard part wasn’t the end. He came with a thank you on his part because I think he finally knew what he put me in.

There was no doubt that I loved it and would have done anything to make it work. I had. I invested time and energy into something that would end in complete doom but I still struggled for it. I fought like hell for him.

But it was a toxic relationship.

It was a relationship full of mind games, doubts, and doubts in every move I took and every word I said. Every fight always ended with me apologizing, and somehow it was always my fault. He was saying things just to make each other angry and figure out exactly how.

But then the good stuff was, too. Those were the nights together when I wanted to freeze at that moment. Every bad day was the one I knew I could turn to.

It was with a simple look and a short phrase he knew something was up and he only knew he was going to hug me. The truth is that he knows better than anyone in my life and I loved him for that.

It was every day I would wake up to his texts and every conversation would end with your love. I don’t know if he knows how much he loves him. But even with the bad stuff, it has set the mold for everything I want in a person.

And I know this sounds crazy. How can a toxic standard be the standard I have? But the truth about toxic relationships is that they aren’t all bad all the time. There is a reason why people tolerate bad things.

Live after a toxic relationship

But in every person, I dated I looked for a piece of it there. Every date I sit across the table and think about it. It spoiled dating for me a little later because even after it was over, it still consumed a lot of my heart.

Then there were the negative effects of a toxic relationship on me. I wondered about everyone’s motives after that. Everyone knew I expected there to be some catch. Some chick on the side. Some fighting would lead us to make up again and run in circles. I expected to be treated poorly.

Until you realize that normal relationships don’t scream, fight, and have sex with you. I began to be treated as I deserve and ran away from it. I started meeting cool guys and pushed them away.

Then I started looking for other toxic relationships to fill this pathological void and get the hit I needed. And when I found people like these, all that happened was the end of my crying to sleep, the same story of a different man. But there was something painfully comforting about what I was so used to.

Life after a toxic relationship is like recovery in a way.

You have to admit to yourself that there is a problem and not something to fix in a partner. It’s something you need to fix within yourself first. Then you have to be able to get to know him and walk away from anyone or anything that would put you back on this path of self-destruction.

You have to build yourself up in a way that you don’t want to even when you are tempted. Because you understand its effects on you.

I sat at a coffee table looking prettier than ever at the time he knew me. He took my hand and looked deeply into my eyes. He told me I had never looked prettier. The truth is that I felt nothing about the person sitting in front of me.

I think a part of me will always love him and I think a part of me will always look for his best qualities and potential suitors, but I don’t want that anymore.

I looked at him and knew that maybe we weren’t meant to be, in the perennial sense I stuck with as long as I was a teenager. There was a sweet and bitter moment, followed by a feeling of peace.

And only after not getting what I wanted to be did I finally get what I deserved.