When I joined Facebook in 2007 as a married working mother, selfies were barely a “thing.”
While creating my profile – for work – I was protecting my personal information. I followed all privacy updates, kept my Wall locked to friends only, and was careful not to post anything that didn’t fit with the public image others expected me to present.
Fast forward to 2012.
As soon as my ex-husband and I told our children and those in our careers that we were divorcing, I took the leap. Anyone who has been divorced or gone through a major breakup in the past five years will be well aware of this.
I changed my relationship status on Facebook to single.
This may sound corny, but it’s huge. huge.
Once my divorce was final, I became more active on social media.
In addition to taking more risks with what I was willing to share, I changed my profile picture for the first time in years. Hazar! Now that I no longer have to match anyone’s vision but my own, I can play with any images.
Without realizing it, this meant I could play with my identity. Something I desperately needed to solve.
How did I want the world to see me that day, week or month? How did I want to see myself?
Sometimes when I changed profile pictures, I worried that my friends might start thinking I was a narcissist.
There are a lot of jokes about selfie addicts, and here I was learning to respect myself again — not trying to disrespect myself more.
I’m reasonably self-aware, so I knew vanity was definitely not the motivation behind changing my image. However, I have a history of not thinking enough of myself to expect to be treated the same way I would treat someone else.
I was interested in getting other perspectives on the same phenomenon, and did a little research.
According to an article in Psychology Today, a recent study found that “both narcissism and self-objectification were associated with spending more time on social networking sites and with more photo editing…Self-objectification [usually] is associated with lower self-objectification.” Respect, which is the exact opposite of narcissism, which is linked to high self-esteem.
This study supposedly “confirms” the idea that narcissists post more selfies than the general public.
However, the study’s sample was only 1,000 men — zero women — making it small and unrepresentative at best, and it did not specify whether people who participated in the study posted the photos as news uploads or as profile pictures.
In addition, the results showed that both narcissists and those with low self-esteem (who tend to become codependents) love selfies.
In my humble opinion, these scholars, like most of us, misunderstand a large part of the selfie/self-love equation.
When you’re in a long-term relationship, your personality and identity change to fit the mold of the couple you’re building together. Life is no longer just about you. It’s about both of you – and maybe all of you in the end.
This is what happens, and it usually happens in one of three ways:
The combination of mind, body and spirit makes you both better. Not new people, just better, more content versions of who you’ve always been. These marriages last a lifetime.
Both people remain more focused on themselves as individuals than on the couple they have become. They demand everything from the other party, and leave nothing to offer to either party. This leads to enormous friction and frequent explosions.
Instead of two people merging into one, one takes over the other, demanding and demanding, while the other allows his partner to drain him of everything he has. Eventually, the student needs more than the drainer has left and looks for resources elsewhere, or the drainer realizes he or she is running on empty and makes a quick escape.
People in the first scenario probably won’t turn out to be selfie freaks. Maybe they’re in the second scenario, but if so, they probably were like that before marriage anyway. The student in the third scenario is likely too busy asking someone new to bother changing their profile picture often.
It’s the giver from the third scenario, most likely not a narcissist, whose recent image change might get you noticed.
Strange right?
Not when you think about narcissists, don’t worry about what you think of them. They love themselves and assume you love them too.
It’s those of us in the self-esteem-challenged section who worry about your opinion because we’re not sure how we feel about ourselves.
The first photo I used of myself after the divorce was from a black tie event before the divorce. I chose it because I thought I looked pretty, and I wanted to feel pretty. Looking at him today, I could see that I didn’t look happy. big difference.
Then I tried taking selfies.
It was great to see if what I captured in that photo reflected my self-portrait for me.
This has become a simple way to rethink myself on any given day.
After about a year of developing my personal photos, I met someone I hadn’t seen since my divorce. During our conversation, she complimented me on my good looks on Facebook. She also told me that a few of my formerly close friends—whom I “lost touch” with after my divorce—were gossiping about my frequently changing profile pictures and how full I was.
My friend said: I told them: Are you kidding? She deserves some happiness! And she looks hot! Be happy for her!”
I immediately went home and deleted the majority of my recent selfies, including the red lipstick photo.
what a shame.
I took some of these photos on my worst days, when I needed to force myself back into power mode. After getting dressed and ready, I was able to take a photo, see that I still had it, and remember that I could do better than just survive.
The next time a friend who’s divorced or falling out of a long-term love starts flipping through profile pictures, try to remember these three things:
Maybe your friend is hurting and working on making himself happy.
Maybe your friend is feeling particularly good about himself that day.
Maybe your friend is completely confused about who they are, who they have become, how it all happened, and where on earth they are going next.
Whatever it is, drop a note saying “hi” and asking how things are going.
