Since writing Interdependence for Beginners, countless people have contacted me expressing their misery and difficulties in dealing with a difficult loved one—often a narcissistic partner or parent—who is uncooperative, selfish, cold, and frequently abusive.

Partners of narcissists are torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but they are unable to make any decisions. They feel ignored, uncased for, and unimportant. As the narcissist’s criticism, demands, and emotional coldness increase, their self-esteem and self-worth diminish. Despite their pleas and efforts, the narcissist seems indifferent to their feelings and needs. Over time, they become deeply hurt and frustrated because, despite their pleas and efforts, the narcissist remains indifferent to their feelings and needs.

When a narcissist is a parent, by the time their children reach adulthood, the emotional neglect, control, and criticism they experienced in childhood have negatively impacted their self-esteem and their ability to achieve success or build loving, intimate relationships.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The term narcissism is commonly used to describe personality traits that are widespread among the general population, and it is often applied to someone who is self-centered or attention-seeking. In fact, a healthy degree of narcissism contributes to a balanced and strong personality. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, on the other hand, is very different and requires specific criteria to be met for diagnosis. It affects a small percentage of people, and it is more common in men than women. As outlined here, a person with narcissistic personality disorder has grandiose (sometimes only in their imagination), lacks empathy, and needs the admiration of others, as demonstrated by five of these brief characteristics:

An exaggerated sense of self-importance and an overestimation of achievements and talents.

They dream of absolute power, dazzling success, captivating brilliance, breathtaking beauty, or perfect love.

They lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.

They crave excessive admiration.

They believe they are special and unique, and that they can only be understood by people (or institutions) of special or high standing, or that they should be associated with them.

They unreasonably expect special or preferential treatment, or for their wishes to be catered to.

They exploit others for their own personal gain.

They envy others or believe they are envied.

They are arrogant or act accordingly.

This disorder ranges from mild to severe. But of all narcissists, beware of malignant narcissists; they are the most harmful, hostile, and destructive. They take traits 6 and 7 to extremes, and are vindictive and spiteful. Avoid them before they destroy you.

Children Of Narcissists

Narcissistic parents are typically controlling and dominate the household, severely damaging their children’s self-esteem and motivation. They often try to fulfill their own ambitions through their children. These parents expect excellence and obedience and may be competitive, envious, critical, controlling, or needy. Despite their differing personalities, what they all have in common is that their own feelings and needs, especially emotional ones, come first. As a result, their children learn to conform and become dependent on them. They take on the responsibility of meeting their parents’ emotional needs, rather than the other way around.

Related : The Tactic Narcissistic Personalities Often Use on Empathic People

While their parents feel entitled, the children feel unworthy and sacrifice or deny their own feelings and needs (unless they are also narcissistic). They don’t learn self-confidence and self-esteem and grow up disconnected from their true selves. They may be driven by a strong desire to prove themselves and gain their parents’ approval, but they find little motivation to pursue their own desires and goals unless imposed from the outside (for example, by a partner, employer, or teacher).

Although they may not be aware of what they lacked in childhood, the fear of abandonment and intimacy still pervades their relationships in adulthood. They fear causing trouble or making mistakes, and they fear being themselves. Accustomed to seeking external validation, many strive to please others, feigning feelings they don’t have and concealing their true emotions. By reenacting their family dramas, they believe their only options are to remain alone or surrender themselves in the relationship.

Adult children of narcissistic parents often suffer from depression, repressed anger, and feelings of emptiness. They may become attracted to an addict, another narcissist, or an emotionally unavailable partner, repeating the pattern of emotional abandonment they experienced in childhood. Recovery requires shedding over-dependency and overcoming the toxic shame they acquired growing up in a narcissistic environment.

Partners of Narcissists

Partners of narcissists often feel betrayed because the caring, attentive, and romantic person they loved has disappeared over time. They feel neglected and alone, and crave emotional connection. To varying degrees, they find it difficult to express their rights, needs, and feelings, and to set clear boundaries. This relationship reflects the emotional abandonment and sense of unworthiness they experienced in childhood. Because their boundaries were not respected during their upbringing, they are highly sensitive to criticism and vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.

As the relationship progresses, both partners acknowledge feeling less confident than before. Generally, their self-esteem and independence gradually decline. Some give up their studies, jobs, hobbies, family ties, or even friends to please their partner. For more information on narcissistic relationships, listen to my talk.

Sometimes, they reminisce about the warmth and affection they initially loved—often seen as brilliant, creative, talented, successful, or attractive. They readily declare their commitment to staying in the relationship if they feel more loved and appreciated. For some, divorce is not an option. They may be co-parenting with a former partner, staying with their spouse for parenting or financial reasons, or wanting to maintain family ties with a narcissistic or difficult relative. Some want to separate but lack the courage.

Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists resort to defense mechanisms to mask their deep-seated shame, which is often unconscious. Like bullies, they protect themselves by being aggressive and abusing their power over others. Malignant narcissists are intensely hostile and inflict harm without remorse, but most narcissists don’t even realize they’ve hurt those closest to them because they lack empathy. They are more concerned with avoiding perceived threats and fulfilling their own needs. As a result, they are oblivious to the damaging impact of their words and actions.

For example, one man, incredibly, couldn’t understand why his wife, whom he had cheated on for a long time, wasn’t happy because he had found happiness with his mistress. He only realized the error of his thinking when she explained that most women wouldn’t be pleased to hear that their husbands were enjoying intimacy with another woman. He was blinded by the fact that he had unconsciously sought his wife’s approval because his narcissistic mother had never approved of his affairs or choices.

Narcissistic abuse encompasses any form of abuse, whether physical, sexual, financial, psychological, or emotional. It often involves some form of emotional abandonment, manipulation, withholding, or other indifferent behaviors. The abuse ranges from complete neglect to intense anger and typically includes verbal abuse, such as blaming, criticizing, attacking, ordering, lying, and belittling. It may also include emotional blackmail or passive-aggressive behavior. If you are experiencing domestic or intimate partner abuse, read the book “The Truth About Domestic Abuse and Abusive Relationships” and seek help immediately.

Therapy

Many narcissists only seek therapy when they are under pressure from their partner or have suffered a severe blow to their self-image or self-esteem. As I explained in my court article, dealing with a narcissist requires considerable skill.

However, even if the narcissist refuses help or change, your relationship can improve significantly by changing your perspective and behavior. In fact, recognizing narcissistic personality disorder, boosting your self-confidence, and learning how to set boundaries are just a few of the many things you can do to significantly improve your relationship, as outlined in the book “Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Boosting Your Self-Confidence and Setting Boundaries with Difficult People.” These steps are equally applicable to any relationship with a defensive or abusive person. You will boost your self-confidence and learn how to communicate effectively. This book includes a narcissism test and outlines criteria to help you decide whether to end your relationship with a narcissist.