“I’m done living for other people. I’m done being a nice person. I’m done thinking about what people think of me.” – Shailene Woodley
Getting into a toxic relationship with a narcissist often leads to a very unhealthy habit: people-pleasing. How often have you not followed your heart because you were worried about what other people might think? How often have you avoided doing something you wanted to do because you couldn’t stand the thought of others judging you?
What are people pleasing?
Simply put, “people-pleasing” is what we call it when you find yourself putting the needs of others ahead of your own, to the point where it becomes detrimental to your mental health. For example, I have expended so much energy worrying about what other people think of me in my toxic relationships that I have completely lost sight of my own needs.
This caused me to shut down and lose all passion for life in general. Of course, being a pleaser is a prevalent behavior for survivors of narcissistic abuse—so common that it’s seen as a personality trait (and, in some cases, a symptom of C-PTSD).
Related: How To Respond To Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Why do survivors of narcissistic abuse tend to be people-pleasers?
It’s completely normal to worry about what other people think of you on some level. We all want to be accepted and loved. So it is not surprising that most of us want to please the people we care about.
But for survivors of abuse, people-pleasing is more than a survival tactic, it’s all about avoiding negative attention. When you’re a people pleaser, you put other people’s needs above your own because that gives you the one thing that matters (and the one thing most survivors of narcissistic abuse lack): validation.
See, if you grew up with a narcissistic parent or in a toxic family, you probably learned pretty quickly that the only way you could get love (which every child needs) was to make the toxic parent(s) into your happy life.
From childhood, we learn that when we do what someone else wants us to do, they are happy with us — and that feels good. However, as we get older and learn to make an unpopular decisions once in a while, we are sometimes shocked that some people seem to stop being nice to us when we don’t follow their “advice” in life.
But in the end, we care what people think because we’ve learned to base our identities on the messages they send us. When our parents tell us we’re good at following their rules, we start to feel like we need to follow the rules to be good. When our teachers scold us for coloring outside the lines, we begin to feel that unless we “stay inside the lines,” we are wrong.
We take in the messages we hear from others about ourselves every day of our lives and internalize them—so much so that we find ourselves dependent on others’ acceptance of our self-worth.
But what most happy people don’t realize is that their desire to please comes from deep insecurity and often comes at the expense of their happiness. The truth is that no matter how hard you try, there will always be people who won’t like you and some who will hate you. There will also be times when following your heart doesn’t make sense to others. The only person whose opinion matters is you!
“I’m done living for other people. I’m done being a nice person. I’m done thinking about what people think of me.” – Shailene Woodley
Getting into a toxic relationship with a narcissist often leads to a very unhealthy habit: people-pleasing. How often have you not followed your heart because you were worried about what other people might think? How often have you avoided doing something you wanted to do because you couldn’t stand the thought of others judging you?
What are people pleasing?
Simply put, “people-pleasing” is what we call it when you find yourself putting the needs of others ahead of your own, to the point where it becomes detrimental to your mental health. For example, I have expended so much energy worrying about what other people think of me in my toxic relationships that I have completely lost sight of my own needs.
This caused me to shut down and lose all passion for life in general. Of course, being a pleaser is a prevalent behavior for survivors of narcissistic abuse—so common that it’s seen as a personality trait (and, in some cases, a symptom of C-PTSD).
Related: 5 Surprising Signals That Your Relationship is Toxic
Why do survivors of narcissistic abuse tend to be people-pleasers?
It’s completely normal to worry about what other people think of you on some level. We all want to be accepted and loved. So it is not surprising that most of us want to please the people we care about.
But for survivors of abuse, people-pleasing is more than a survival tactic, it’s all about avoiding negative attention. When you’re a people pleaser, you put other people’s needs above your own because that gives you the one thing that matters (and the one thing most survivors of narcissistic abuse lack): validation.
See, if you grew up with a narcissistic parent or in a toxic family, you probably learned pretty quickly that the only way you could get love (which every child needs) was to make the toxic parent(s) into your happy life.
From childhood, we learn that when we do what someone else wants us to do, they are happy with us — and that feels good. However, as we get older and learn to make an unpopular decisions once in a while, we are sometimes shocked that some people seem to stop being nice to us when we don’t follow their “advice” in life.
But in the end, we care what people think because we’ve learned to base our identities on the messages they send us. When our parents tell us we’re good at following their rules, we start to feel like we need to follow the rules to be good. When our teachers scold us for coloring outside the lines, we begin to feel that unless we “stay inside the lines,” we are wrong.
We take in the messages we hear from others about ourselves every day of our lives and internalize them—so much so that we find ourselves dependent on others’ acceptance of our self-worth.
But what most happy people don’t realize is that their desire to please comes from deep insecurity and often comes at the expense of their happiness. The truth is that no matter how hard you try, there will always be people who won’t like you and some who will hate you. There will also be times when following your heart doesn’t make sense to others. The only person whose opinion matters is you!
