Just like holding a beach ball underwater, a narcissist can’t let go of the ball (with the intended pun), lest their shame and sadness surface for all to see.
Holding this metaphorical beach ball, brimming with toxic shame, anger, and chronic sadness, is a relentless and exhausting task. Narcissists accomplish this in countless ways: indulging in grandiose fantasies about how great they are or what they will be, convincing others of their greatness, and, of course, forcing others to shower them with praise and attention. All of this creates what’s known as the “narcissistic supply,” the force that keeps the beach ball buried deep in the subconscious.
Narcissists are addicted. Without their next dose of narcissistic supply, a terrible pain bursts open in their chests, threatening to engulf them, and a fog of shame engulfs them, threatening to crush them under its weight. For the more subtle narcissists, social isolation and the self-sufficiency provided by grandiose fantasies may suffice—for a while. However, social isolation is incredibly painful, for narcissists and others alike.
If a narcissist could get their narcissistic gratification whenever and on their own terms, they wouldn’t need to make any hasty decisions. But the world isn’t that simple. People have needs and boundaries. They often recognize the narcissist’s selfishness and refuse to submit to it (and this isn’t just a figure of speech). Sometimes, their primary source of gratification dwindles or diminishes significantly. In such cases, the narcissist is haunted by the specter of childhood trauma. This is when the narcissist panics and seeks gratification in distant places.
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In the event of withdrawal from their source of narcissistic gratification, a narcissist might suddenly plan a trip. They might reinstall a dating app or frequent public places their gratification users usually frequent, such as bars, cafes, and clubs. They might also engage in excessive flirting, whether in inappropriate settings or when it threatens their current relationship. Drugs, reckless activities, and casual encounters become increasingly appealing to the narcissist. Instead of typically rejecting certain plans, the narcissist now says, “Why not?” and agrees to them impulsively.
In short, when narcissists receive a constant stream of narcissistic gratification, they become arrogant, rigid, and risk-averse. But when that gratification dwindles, everything changes. They suddenly become more flexible and cooperative. With their boundaries significantly lowered and their repressed pain rapidly escalating, there are no limits to the unethical and dangerous situations they might find themselves in.
