Narcissists can be charming, charismatic, seductive, sexy, and charismatic. They can also act entitled, exploitative, arrogant, aggressive, cold, competitive, selfish, hateful, cruel, and vindictive. You can fall in love with their charming side and destroy their dark side.
It can be confusing, but it all makes sense when you understand what drives them. This awareness protects you from their games, lies, and manipulations.
Narcissists have a weak or underdeveloped psyche. They think and act differently from others. They act the way they do because of the way their minds are wired, whether it is due to nature or nurture.
Remember that the severity of narcissism varies. Some people experience more symptoms with greater intensity, while other narcissists experience fewer and more mild symptoms. Thus, the following discussion may not apply to all narcissistic people to the same degree.
- Narcissists are very vulnerable
Although there are characters who appear to be strong, they are very weak. Psychotherapists consider her “fragile”. They experience deep alienation, emptiness, helplessness, and a lack of meaning.
Because of their extreme vulnerability, they crave power and must vigilantly control their environment, the people around them, and their feelings. Showing vulnerable emotions, such as fear, shame, or sadness are signs of intolerable weakness in both themselves and others.
Their defense system, described below, protects them but harms others. When they feel highly insecure, they are meaner and the impact of their actions is irrelevant.
Read : What Is Golden Child Syndrome? 10 Signs Of “The Favorite Child”
- Narcissists have toxic shame
Beneath their facade is a toxic disgrace that may be unconscious. Shame makes narcissists feel insecure and inadequate—feelings of vulnerability that they must deny to themselves and others.
This is one of the reasons why they are unable to take criticism, responsibility, opposition, or negative comments even when they are meant to be constructive.
Instead, they demand unconditional, positive respect from others. Here’s how
- Arrogance
To compensate for the feeling of inferiority, they maintain an attitude of superiority. They are often arrogant, critical, and contemptuous of others, including entire groups they consider inferior, such as immigrants, ethnic minorities, lower economic class, or people with less education.
Like bullies, they humiliate others to lift themselves.
Read : What Is Golden Child Syndrome? 10 Signs Of “The Favorite Child”
- Greatness
Their hidden shame explains their boasting and self-aggrandizement. They try to convince themselves and others that they excel, that they are uniquely special, the best, the smartest, the richest, the sexiest, and the most talented.
This is also why they gravitate toward celebrities, people of high status, schools, organizations, and other institutions.
Being with the best convinces them that they are better than others, while inwardly they are not entirely sure.
- Merit
Narcissists feel entitled to get what they want from others regardless of their behavior. Their sense of entitlement masks their inner shyness and insecurity. They convince themselves that they are superior and it follows that they deserve special treatment.
For example, their time is more valuable than others, and they shouldn’t wait in line like the masses. There is no limit to what they may expect from others.
Interpersonal relationships are a one-way street because others are considered inferior and not separate from them (see below). They do not admit that their behavior is hypocritical, because they feel superior and privileged. Other people’s rules don’t apply to them.
- Because of a lack of empathy
Narcissists’ ability to respond emotionally and express appropriate care and concern is significantly impaired. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissists lack empathy. They are “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” (APA, 2013)
Research shows that they have structural abnormalities in areas of the brain associated with emotional empathy. They may claim that they love you, but you must determine if you feel love from the way they treat you.
True love requires empathy, compassion, and deep knowledge of those we care about. We show an active interest in that person’s life and development. We try to understand their experience and worldview even though they may differ from ours.
If you have not experienced such true love or it is mixed with abuse, you may not appreciate true love and do not expect to be treated any better.
Without empathy, narcissists can be selfish, hurt, and cold when it doesn’t serve them to be charming or helpful. For them, relationships are transactions. Rather than responding to feelings, they are interested in getting their needs met—sometimes, even if that means taking advantage of others, cheating, lying, or breaking the law. Although they may feel excitement and passion in the early stages of the relationship, this is not love, but lust. They are known to play.
Sacrificing for the one you love is not in the rules of the game. Their lack of empathy also drives them to the pain they cause others, while their cognitive and emotional intelligence gives them an advantage in manipulating and exploiting others to get their needs met.
Read : The 6 Types of Narcissists: How To Spot And Cope With Each Of Them
- Emptiness and lack of emotional attachment
Narcissists lack a positive and emotional connection with themselves, which makes it difficult for them to connect emotionally with others. Their underdeveloped self and deficient inner resources require that they depend on others for validation.
Instead of trusting, they fear being unwanted. They can only admire themselves as reflected in the eyes of others. Hence, despite their boasting and self-flattery, they crave constant attention and admiration. Since their sense of self is determined by what other people think of them, they try to control what others think to feel better about themselves.
They use relationships for self-enhancement and their “narcissistic supply.” However, because of their inner emptiness, they are never satisfied. Whatever you do for them is never enough to fill their emptiness. Like vampires dead inside, narcissists exploit and drain those around them.
- There are no limits
The legendary Narcissus fell in love with his image, as reflected in a pond. At first, he didn’t realize it was him. This metaphorically describes narcissists.
The inner emptiness, shame, and undeveloped ego of narcissists make them unsure of their limits. They do not experience others as separate individuals, but as a two-dimensional extension of themselves, without feelings, because they cannot empathize.
Other people exist only to satisfy their needs. This explains why narcissists are often selfish and oblivious to their influence on others, even when they act cruelly.
Want to know more about the weird things narcissists do? Then check out this piece here on 12 Weird Things Narcissists Do
- Use defense mechanisms to protect their vulnerability
It is the defense mechanisms that narcissists use to protect their vulnerability that make relationships with them so difficult.
The common defenses they use are arrogance, contempt, denial, projection, aggression, and envy.
- Arrogance and contempt
These defenses inflate the narcissistic ego with an air of superiority to protect against unconscious feelings of inferiority. It also conveys shame by projecting inferiority onto others. - Denial
Denial distorts reality so that narcissists can live in an inflated bubble of their fantasy world to protect their fragile ego. They distort, rationalize, twist facts, and delude themselves into avoiding anything that might cause a chink in their armor, so thick that some narcissists have no access to any amount of evidence or argument.
Read : Heavy Lies The Crown Of A Narcissist
- Projection and blame
This defense allows unacceptable feelings, thoughts, or qualities to be disavowed and mentally or verbally attributed to another person. Blame shifts responsibility, so the narcissist is blameless. This defense serves the same function as a denial.
Projection is an unconscious process, where the narcissist does not have to experience anything negative in himself or herself, but rather sees it as something external. These traits are projected onto another person or group of people instead. You become selfish, weak, unlovable, or worthless.
Projection is very crazy and damages the self-esteem of people close to the narcissist, especially children.
- Aggression
Aggression is used to create security by pushing people away. Narcissists view the world as hostile and threatening, and they act against people with aggression, in word and demeanor. This can lead to narcissistic abuse.
Revengeful narcissists retaliate to reverse feelings of humiliation and restore their pride by defeating the offender.
Read Hoover: Breaking The Chains: How To Break A Trauma Bond with A Narcissist And Reclaim Your Sanity!
- Envy
Narcissists have to be the best. They cannot enjoy someone else’s success. If someone else has what they want, it makes them feel inferior. Life is a zero-sum game.
Competitive narcissists don’t just envy people who have what they want; They may react in retaliation for being put down, especially if they feel threatened. They are often envious and competitive with their children.
Understanding the people you’re dealing with is very helpful, but knowing what you can do is even more important. If you’re in love with a narcissist, exercises, and strategies for dealing with them can give you clarity about how to meet your needs and how to assess whether or not to stay in the relationship.
