Dealing with a narcissist is a battle only those with experience can win.
You might think you have a narcissist in your life. This person is arrogant, stubborn, unpleasant, and has a constant need to be superior. Or perhaps you’re dealing with a covert narcissist, and the signs are more subtle. They’re often difficult to distinguish.
Learning how to deal with a narcissist requires a strategy. You need to know the signs and understand the nature of the relationship. Without taking the necessary countermeasures, you remain vulnerable.
The strategy here consists of three pillars:
- Understanding the Power of Shame
No one chooses to be subjected to narcissistic abuse. It creeps in slowly only if you’re oblivious to what’s happening. Before the abuse escalates, an imbalance of shame is the best way to determine if you’re dealing with a narcissist.
You can usually tell from the narcissist’s everyday interactions, which come in the form of:
A sarcastic remark.
An insult.
A veiled compliment.
A chuckle.
A comment about you that makes you doubt yourself.
Trying to outshine you every time you speak.
These are all subtle hints that gradually push you toward feeling ashamed. This is how narcissistic abuse begins. The narcissist never admits their mistakes, blames others for what happens, and inflates their own importance with stories; they create an aura of “superiority.” In doing so, they force you to feel inferior in comparison.
This apparent “superiority” is actually shamelessness. It creates the illusion that the narcissist is “above all else.” By constantly being shameless while simultaneously embarrassing you, all without your awareness, the narcissist gradually breaks you down. This makes you psychologically malleable enough for them to control and manipulate you.
Signs You’re Feeling Shameful as a Result of Narcissistic Abuse:
You start to feel a heaviness in your mind.
Your mind goes blank.
Your body breaks down.
You start questioning yourself.
You constantly find yourself on the defensive, forced to justify yourself or explain your position.
When things get tough
When dealing with a narcissist, observe this pattern of shame and practice sensing it as it begins. If this pattern becomes ingrained in your subconscious, narcissistic abuse will follow. Only by recognizing it and withdrawing from it can you protect yourself.
Related : How The Narcissist Lulls You Into Their Fantasy World
Shame is like a frog happily swimming in a pot of slowly boiling water. By the time the frog realizes what’s happening, it’s too late. By gradually increasing your shame throughout the relationship, the narcissist escalates the situation.
Shame weighs you down, makes you doubt yourself, and weakens your will and pride. You lose sight of your potential. The more intense the situation becomes, the less able you are to confront the narcissist.
So how do you know if you’re being humiliated? Pay attention to your emotional state.
Do you constantly doubt yourself? Do you feel a weight on your mind, as if a dark cloud has descended upon it? Do you feel inferior and hopeless? If so, you’re likely dealing with a narcissist.
- Master the Art of Verbal Communication
Narcissistic abuse always begins in the mind. The narcissist seeks to infiltrate your thoughts, turn your perspective on things upside down, and then reprogram your mind from within.
Fortunately, you have many ways to overcome this feeling. The key is to redirect or divert your energy away from the narcissist’s attempts to humiliate you.
The following tactics may be helpful when dealing with a narcissist:
Change The Subject
The narcissist judges you, mocks you, or focuses their attention on you and your perceived “desperation.”
In the middle of a narcissist’s rambling or verbal attack, simply change the subject to something completely mundane. Do this without hesitation or warning. For example: the weather. Which shirt color looks better, black or white? What time do the shops close? What was the score of last night’s game?
The key here is to depersonalize the conversation, stop the barrage of narcissistic insults, and get the conversation back on track. The narcissist will sense this change, but they’ll probably say nothing because it would spoil the “game.”
Interrogate
If the narcissist is mocking the book you’re reading, your room’s layout, or your hairstyle, calmly ask them what they mean. Ask them how they would react or what they would choose, and why that would be better, specifically.
Finally, ask them what their perspective is based on. Do others agree with them? If so, who exactly? Have any studies been conducted on the best book to read, or how to arrange a room? What were the criteria for such studies?
Is it possible, even remotely, that everyone needs different solutions, and that these solutions might only become clear after you understand the other person’s perspective?
The possibilities for this type of question are endless, but its impact is powerful: it either frustrates the narcissist or forces them into a dead end. If you remain completely calm, the narcissist will find it difficult to get angry because they will appear to be the one at fault, not you.
Stay Calm
When a narcissist says everything is your fault, accuses you, or mocks you, give them space to express their opinion. Pay attention to the narcissist’s facial expressions, look them in the eye, remain silent, and focus your attention on this distorted image. Study them like a scientist, observe how they create a barrier between you, how they permeate you, and let them settle there for a moment.
Be aware and attentive. If you feel yourself being manipulated, take a deep breath and focus on a specific feature of the narcissist’s face. Seize the moment, and no matter how awkward the situation may seem, remain calm.
This technique is effective when dealing with a narcissist because it shifts the emotional burden onto them, not you. As a result, the mirror slowly turns in their direction, and their attempt fails.
Narcissists are adept at creating personas, especially psychological and emotional ones, and use them to manipulate others to gain their attention and satisfy their narcissistic desires. The key to dealing with a narcissist lies in recognizing what they have created and finding creative ways to expose them. The narcissist is playing a game. Your task is either to withdraw or to change the rules of the game at the right moment.
Just be careful to avoid provoking their narcissistic rage.
- Don’t be too trusting of narcissists.
We learn to forgive and forget. But when dealing with a narcissist who doesn’t abide by these rules, forgiveness and forgetting will only lead to further abuse.
If a narcissist hurts you, you have every right to be upset. They might justify their actions, tell you what happened to them, or claim they were forced to do it because of this or that. They’ll bombard you with explanations, many of which will evoke feelings of guilt and sympathy.
Eventually, this barrage of “regret” will overwhelm you, and you’ll decide that maybe they were wrong. They clearly know they’re mistaken. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, you tell yourself. Maybe I brought this on myself. Besides, pretending to be indifferent all the time is exhausting. I’ll let it slide this time. It certainly won’t happen again.
When a narcissist sees your doubts, they feel a surge of satisfaction. Your “vulnerabilities” have been exposed, and the limits of your resolve have been laid bare. Next time, it will be easier for them to break your will because it will have become a precedent. How frustrating it is that you put up so much resistance!
In most cases, giving a narcissist a second chance is necessary for the relationship to continue. For example, a close friend or lover who has supported you through thick and thin might make a mistake and hurt you.
But when you weigh the pros and cons, you find that the pros far outweigh the cons, and you realize that losing the relationship is too costly. Accept their apology, let them correct their mistakes, and hope for the best.
Believing a narcissist’s words without scrutiny and giving them a second chance is a recipe for failure. By doing so, you show them that if they say the right thing, they can manipulate and control you. A second chance should only be given in relationships that have been severely tested, and only as an exceptional case. Never give it to a narcissist.
