Above all, a relationship with a narcissist is a world of illusory possibilities. Living in a state of detachment from reality, the narcissist is adept at awakening magical thinking in their victim.
From the outset, the narcissist convinces their victim that they are about to embark on an incredible adventure. Perhaps they will travel the world, find perfect love, establish a perfect family, enjoy undying protection and care, amass wealth and achieve prestige, or pursue a world-changing mission. The narcissist and their victim will transcend reality, creating something the world has never seen before.
The narcissist’s world is overflowing with good things, promising money, sex, power, status, fame, wonder, belonging, and endless love. It is detached from the “limits” of reality, capable of encompassing any vision.
The narcissist’s world is also dreamlike, mobile, capable of transporting itself to another place at any time. This blurs the lines between reality and reality, fueling a state of infatuation where the person becomes captivated and obsessed with another, their heart overflowing with joy and wonder at the mere thought of them.
Infatuation is characterized by the following:
Intrusive thoughts: This person is constantly on your mind, whether you’re awake or asleep. You think about them all day long, whether you like it or not, and feel an irresistible urge to be with them when they’re away.
A drastic shift in priorities: You neglect your hobbies, friends, and even long-term plans to dedicate your life to this person.
Emotional dependence: You go to great lengths to please this person and worry intensely about “doing something wrong” that might upset them. You analyze every communication, decision, boundary, and facial expression, fearing that this “perfect” relationship might suddenly collapse.
In romantic relationships, infatuation is often confused with love, as we believe we’ve finally found “the one.” But what we often overlook is that infatuation is a powerful remnant of childhood. An immature form of love based on fragmentation.
When infatuation is intertwined with trauma, it persists into adulthood, leading us to categorize people as perfect beings and overlook their flaws. The fundamental difference between love and infatuation is that love stems from abundance, while infatuation stems from deficiency. That is, when we meet someone who seems to possess qualities we lack, infatuation arises, compelling us to merge with them. This might be in a romantic relationship, a friendship, a job, or even in our personal development. In all these cases, we experience infatuation because we believe this person will make us feel complete, and we strive to maintain that feeling.
When a narcissist sees their victim in this state, they become emboldened, knowing they have complete control. The narcissist then begins to fuel the victim’s attachment, skillfully assuming the role of the ideal lover, mentor, savior, or whatever other role the victim assigns them.
The victim drifts into a world of fantasy, entering a trance-like state where boundaries and doubts dissolve. There are virtually no rules in this world, and, most importantly, no strangers to interact with. The narcissist’s fantasy is safe, secure, and exciting. It is timeless, carefree, and will remain so forever—or so the victim believes.
The Blood Of The Fantasy
The narcissist sold us a fantasy, and we believed it because, deep down, we wanted it. We longed for it. The ideal, attractive partner, and consequently, the ideal, happy home. We desperately craved this reality, especially if we were deprived of good things in our lives.
Growing up in a troubled family environment can make one yearn for an ideal, happy home as compensation. The emotional absence of a parent can make the idea of ​​an understanding and loving partner seem incredibly appealing.
Related : Five Stages Of Healing After Narcissistic Abuse: Hope Emerges
We often forget that everyone is hurt and imperfect, and that building and maintaining relationships is challenging. Everyone has their own desires, beliefs, and values, which may clash with our own. All relationships go through periods of tension and pain, followed by periods of routine and boredom. Life isn’t all roses. How quickly we forget this, lost in our fantasies!
When the narcissist appeared, we saw the beginning of a perfect relationship, one we hoped would lead to a happy future. The narcissist created this illusion because we, too, are only satisfied with perfection.
The narcissist sees themselves as perfect, and because they are so selfish, they see their relationships as an extension of this perfection. They never accept that they are limited or flawed, so when reality hits them and the relationship’s shortcomings are exposed, they explode with anger. “You’re wrong. You’ll always be a failure.” The target feels like they’re constantly striving for a higher standard, constantly rising higher as they become more exhausted. And yet, we put up with it.
For a wounded soul, fantasy is the ultimate remedy. By striving for a perfect relationship, we deny the pain of our past. More importantly, we reject the potential flaws in our present. We are fascinated by ordinary people who display imperfections, because their flaws suggest they might disappoint or abandon us. They trigger our shame, and our shame has proven painful and irreparable.
What remains when fantasy dies? Life can seem bleak when it is realistic and “normal.” By denying this, we have been hiding a false sense of grandeur. “Normal” was never meant to be.
Reality is pain. Accepting this means recognizing that the world is not as we hoped. Reality reveals our traumas, our pain, and our tragedies. It shows our flaws and shattered dreams, our wounds and longings, our painful past, and what could have been but never became. We needed an escape.
