The cycle of glorification, belittlement, and abandonment in narcissistic behavior is a vicious aspect of narcissistic abuse. It leaves the victim feeling confused, abandoned, and worthless.

Upon closer examination, we see that this behavior has nothing to do with the victim, but rather stems from the narcissist’s distorted view of the world. To better understand this cycle, it’s helpful to first understand the narcissist’s mindset and history.

Why do narcissists glorify, belittle, and abandon others?

To reinforce their sense of superiority, narcissists need to attract others. But not everyone is suitable for this. This cycle is exclusive and has two essential conditions:

A willingness to provide narcissistic gratification.

A demonstration of perfection.

Therefore, everyone associated with a narcissist must be useful and/or highly valued.

The narcissist’s primary goal is to have a group of people—admirers and recipients—within their psychological sphere of interest. If someone shows a willingness to offer attention, appreciation, sex, resources, or services, the narcissist will idealize them, portraying them as someone worthy of attention, as long as they remain loyal.

Related : The Real Reason Why You Attract Narcissists

Ultimately, the narcissist may tire of the person they desire, or that person may not keep their initial promise. The person may put up strong resistance, make demands, or, worse, abuse the narcissist. In other cases, the narcissist’s own flaws become a burden and cause them shame. In all these instances, the narcissist will be repelled by the person they desire and quickly abandon them.

Then there are the exceptional individuals—those who possess beauty, power, intelligence, status, or skill that make them worthy of veneration. The narcissist is immediately captivated by such a “high-value” person and seeks to merge with them completely. This makes perfect sense when viewed through the lens of narcissism. If the person you’re connected to is highly valued, then you are also highly valued by virtue of your connection to them.

By draining the attention, resources, services, and status of others, the narcissist can reinforce their sense of grandeur. The world of narcissism is like a cult of personality with countless followers and deities. The narcissist either worships others or worships them as a means of bolstering their ego. The narcissist also idealizes people to feel secure enough to associate with them. By imagining someone unconditionally loyal or perfect, the narcissist can bond with someone who will never abandon or disappoint them.

But this distorted cult is nothing more than an illusion in the narcissist’s mind. Their entire life is dedicated to feeding their ego. They use real people, exploit real resources, hurt real feelings, and cause real harm—all while protecting themselves from the inner reality of self-loathing, shame, and anger internalized in childhood.

Trapped in a Vicious Cycle: The Narcissist’s Obsession with Repetition

In a “good enough” childhood, a child is deeply attached to their mother, finding a safe haven in her care. The mother showers the child with affection and warmth, allowing them to regulate their nervous system and sense of self through her. The mother sees her child, accepts them, and enjoys their presence.

As time passes, the child’s curiosity grows, and they embark on a journey to explore the world. When they feel insecure, they rush back to their mother to regain that sense of security. Over time, the child oscillates between freedom and care, back and forth, as they develop into an independent and capable adult. This process is known as individuation.

Original Betrayal

The wounded child never experienced this luxury. They were never seen or accepted for who they truly were, and their mother only enjoyed their presence if it met her expectations. The child tried their best, exerted effort, and cooperated to earn their mother’s love, but never received it.

Over the years, a deep-seated sense of betrayal and anger festered within him. The shame of repeated rejection seared the child’s soul. The pain of not being valued or accepted became unbearable. The child suffered a psychological trauma and became emotionally detached from his mother. This rift would remain for life. If no one saw the child’s true worth, the child would see it in himself. This is how the narcissist was born.

Searching For Redemption

Psychological trauma has a complex life cycle. When a person is overwhelmed by a feeling of helplessness as a result of a negative experience and is unable to cope with it, they experience psychological trauma. Whether it’s fear, shame, or guilt, the energy of these emotions builds up inside, trapped like a pressure cooker. Then, the “energy” of the trauma explodes randomly, impacting the person’s life.

Psychological trauma is an experience trapped in a vortex of emotions. A person can only overcome the original trauma if they prove they will be prepared to deal with it the next time a similar event occurs. For example, a child traumatized by a natural disaster might be encouraged to shiver and run away. Thus, he regains control over his trauma and is therefore able to overcome it. In other words, helplessness creates trauma, while strength resolves it.

In the case of the narcissist, his trauma stems from his past relationship with his mother. To overcome this trauma, he needs to completely reenact it. Therefore, he recruits people into an elaborate charade, disguised as a normal relationship.

Thus, the cycle of glorification, belittlement, and abandonment is not personal. Many victims are shocked when they discover this. They have been recruited into a reenactment of the past as a dazzling fantasy.

Therefore, the cycle of glorification, belittlement, and abandonment is not personal. #Mechanisms of the Narcissist Cycle: Glorification, Belittlement, and Abandonment

Related : 5 Examples Of Covert Narcissistic Abuse For The Uninitiated

The narcissist is like a vicious cycle, constantly running away from the traumas of his childhood. His only solution is to create a fantasy world, attract people to it, and then glorify them.

Glorification is a key element. If the person is “perfect,” the chances of the relationship succeeding this time increase. In his childhood, the mother did not see the narcissist for who he truly was and did not accept him. The “perfect” person, however, will offer all of this and more.

But the truth never truly disappears, no matter how hard a narcissist tries to deceive themselves and others. Behind their mask, the narcissist harbors a paranoid ego, constantly on the lookout for betrayal.

If the victim deviates from their role in the narcissist’s fantasy world, the narcissist will add them to their blacklist. Victims may act recklessly or carelessly, provoking the narcissist’s wrath. They may even abuse the narcissist, sometimes intentionally, as they grow impatient with their rigidity, perfectionism, and control. The victim may betray them, or they themselves may carry a psychological wound that drives them to harm the narcissist in horrific ways. In such cases, the narcissist receives a jolt that shatters their illusions, allowing reality to surface.

When the Truth Shows Its Face

In extreme cases, such as infidelity and other forms of betrayal, the narcissist’s ego is irreparably damaged. The narcissist responds by claiming that their victim is no longer useful or ideal, but rather bad, or even repulsive. Beneath the narcissist’s fantasy world lies a torrent of paranoia, shame, and rage.

When the narcissist is betrayed or deeply disappointed, their repressed traumas surface and take control. Instead of seeing this for what they truly are, the narcissist projects their pain and resentment onto their victim—the person they deem hateful or worthless. The narcissist then decides to eliminate their victim, marking the beginning of the dehumanization phase. From this point onward, the narcissist paves the way for the elimination of the other person.

During the dehumanization phase, the narcissist transforms into a cold and contemptuous individual who judges, criticizes, ignores, attacks, or mocks you at will. Because you’re still trapped in their delusion, this stage will be a devastating shock. You’ll feel stunned, humiliated, and nauseous. In some cases, the narcissist may completely ignore you or leave without a word.

By discarding their victim, the narcissist reclaims their freedom. In their traumatized and detached reality, this is a continuation of the original individuation process they failed to achieve with their mother. In truth, it was all an illusion. Nothing fundamentally changed in the narcissist. They relive the past in their mind, dragging a real person along with them before abandoning them.

Do all narcissists idealize others, then belittle them, then discard them?

Do all narcissists idealize others, then belittle them, then discard them?

When it suits them, the narcissist always ends this cycle by abandoning the other person. However, external pressures, such as marriage or financial circumstances, may keep the narcissist in the relationship much longer than they would like. In such cases, the phase of belittling the other person can last for years, as the victim struggles to please the narcissist and feed their narcissistic needs. This is where narcissistic abuse becomes truly soul-crushing.

If the narcissist’s life is deeply intertwined with the victim’s, they need to gradually distance themselves before abandoning the relationship. The victim, accustomed to the warmth of unconditional positive affirmation from the narcissist, panics and begins to doubt themselves during the belittling phase.

To regain the narcissist’s favor and return to the phase of glorification, the victim intensifies their attempts to please them. They hope to restore their image in the narcissist’s eyes and thus revive the relationship with the effect of the original “perfection.”

For the victim, being with their dream person initially seems wonderful. However, the core of the traumatized narcissist remains hidden. The victim forgets that the effects of all these influences fade with time, and negative feelings resurface as harsh reality forces its way in. The narcissist’s true nature is revealed as the cycle of self-deprecation, self-abasement, and abandonment reaches its peak.

Then the narcissist moves on to another person, repeating their suffering, subconsciously hoping that this time they will succeed in overcoming their trauma and completing their journey toward independence.