A narcissist always needs to feel special and superior to others. This is well-known. There are many examples of the ways they achieve this: boasting, showing off, and constantly interrupting you.
A covert narcissist, however, operates in the shadows. Instead of inflating their own ego, they seek to feel superior by belittling you.
A covert narcissist has two goals:
To exert control over you.
To maintain an imbalance in the relationship, so that you are the weaker party.
On the surface, everything seems fine when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist. But at the same time, the poison of their covert abuse slowly seeps in. A heavy feeling of shame overwhelms you. You become less assertive and less able to say no. You begin to question yourself, your legitimacy, and your right to express your opinion. How did this happen?
Awareness breaks this vicious cycle. Here are five examples of covert narcissistic abuse that are difficult to detect:
- Comparing You to Others
While you’re talking about your future, a hidden narcissist parent reminds you that your neighbor’s daughter is engaged. As you discuss your health and fitness goals, your hidden narcissist partner reminisces about how fit their ex-girlfriend was.
Comparison is one of the cruelest ways our inner critic berates us. We constantly compare ourselves to others, and the more we do, the worse we feel. But we often forget that this subtle, cruel tactic can come from outside. “So-and-so did it, why can’t you?” “Look at what so-and-so has, isn’t that amazing?” In these two examples of hidden narcissistic abuse, the first is a direct comparison, while the second leaves you free to compare. In both cases, the result is shame.
The hidden narcissist will “innocently” point out something, and their victim will feel inadequate as a result. Even when done under the guise of support, comparison is deeply humiliating and often backfires.
In your pursuit of a goal, comparison can evoke a healthy sense of shame and motivate you to improve. However, the most effective way to grow is to compare yourself to your past self. Every day is an opportunity to be better than yesterday. Every day is an opportunity to grow. What others are doing and where they’ve reached is their own business.
- Minimizing and Ignoring Your Values
A relationship should be a platform for everyone to grow. While we should avoid excessive flattery, it’s essential to support each other. This includes the other person taking the time to listen to you and try to understand what you’re saying.
Related : The Key Difference Between An Overt And Covert Narcissist
For example, if you had a wonderful day hiking in the mountains, you might rush home and excitedly tell a loved one about it. Even though they weren’t there to share the experience, they can sense your enthusiasm and share in it. They become part of your world, absorbing your words, facial expressions, and body language, and reacting to you.
A hidden narcissist, however, refuses to do this. What you enjoy and what moves you is a source of irritation to them, unless they can benefit from it.
The fact that you had a wonderful day while they didn’t feels ashamed, and they try to overcome this feeling by dismissing and ignoring you. They’ll listen with a blank stare as you recount your trip, or comment on someone’s death in those mountains a few years ago. The covert narcissist might even smile condescendingly, making you feel childish and foolish. Deep down, you know they don’t accept you, and your initial enthusiasm quickly turns to self-loathing and sadness.
- Giving Advice Without Involving You
This example of covert narcissistic abuse is easily concealed. It begins when you express anxieties or something that’s unclear to you. You’re unsure which job to apply for, or you’re experiencing difficulties with your partner.
In a healthy relationship, your partner might try to support you by asking insightful questions or simply by acting as a mirror reflecting your doubts. The focus is entirely on you. Or rather, the focus is on exploring your concerns to gain clarity.
A true friend begins by empathizing with your feelings, putting themselves in your shoes, and then using their outside perspective to offer new insights. They don’t care about themselves.
The covert narcissist takes a different approach.
As soon as the hidden narcissist hears your concerns, they view the problem and the solution from their own perspective.
Once you express your doubts, your role is over. The hidden narcissist begins telling you what to do, explaining their superior solution from beginning to end, and imposing it on you. There is no room for exploration, no consideration for feelings or viewpoints. Once the narcissist’s ego clings to a solution, the discussion ends. It becomes a one-sided conversation, and you feel helpless and hopeless.
If you’re unaware of what just happened, you might reluctantly nod and thank the narcissist for their advice. But deep down, your doubts intensify. That’s because any solution is useless if it doesn’t respect the individual’s unique perspective.
The right answers come from the authentic self. The self should be in control, and the ego’s role is to guide it in implementing solutions. The hidden narcissist, however, hijacks the plane and takes it to a completely different destination. Your life experience is unique, and whoever ignores this fact offers you no help, but rather hinders your growth.
- Hijacking the Conversation
While we focus on each other’s words during a conversation, we must also be aware of the underlying meaning. What message are they hinting at? Where is the conversation headed? What does each person gain from this experience?
For example, close friends talk without a specific goal. They want to connect, deepen their relationship, and have the opportunity to share and grow. In any case, the conversation includes and prioritizes both parties.
However, for the covert narcissist seeking to feed their narcissism, the balance is severely disrupted. They, for instance, seize control of the conversation by speaking with greater enthusiasm and for a much longer time than the other person.
Over time, the conversation turns into a monologue. You gradually feel your enthusiasm waning. If you want to participate, you have to force yourself to speak, raising your energy and unleashing your thoughts. The covert narcissist responds by completely ignoring you.
When the conversation loses momentum, you pause, and the covert narcissist uses this as a signal to resume speaking. They seek to keep the focus on themselves and engage you in what they’re saying. There’s no mutual communication or interaction that benefits either of you.
- Using Silence to Keep You Under Control
Of all the examples of covert narcissistic abuse, this is perhaps the most insidious.
Not responding can be more hurtful than being insulted. When presented with a suggestion or idea that makes us uncomfortable, we’re forced to express our opinion. In doing so, we have to endure more discomfort. Why do we do this?
First, we’re trying to set boundaries. That’s obvious. But another important outcome is that we’ve communicated our perspective to someone we value, which helps maintain the relationship. Communication is our way of maintaining balance, taking responsibility, and avoiding misunderstandings. It’s a temporary discomfort for the sake of the relationship’s long-term growth.
For the narcissist, honest and transparent communication is a threat to their existence.
The covert narcissist doesn’t want to take responsibility or feel uncomfortable. As a result, they completely disappear in situations that don’t suit them. You won’t receive any message, any response, or any attempt to explain their point of view. They don’t listen or discuss; instead, they divert your attention and avoid you until things calm down.
Because the covert narcissist remains unaffected, you’re left alone to face the pain and confusion of a one-sided relationship. Resentment builds up, but with no one to talk to, you’re forced to suppress it and move on. You learn to repress your needs and let the covert narcissist dictate your terms.
