After another long and painful encounter with a narcissist, you find yourself asking: “Why do I attract narcissists, and how can I break free from this attraction?”

Is it your nature, just bad luck, or is there more to it than that?

The Type Of People That Attract Narcissists

In my book, How to Break Free from a Narcissist, I introduced the idea of ​​being highly sensitive, or empathetic, as a possible reason why some people are attracted to narcissists.

The emotional world of an empath is incredibly rich. They are artists and dreamers. Empaths inspire others with their energy and zest for life. They are healers, and are often creative and spiritual. They can brighten anyone’s day simply by being themselves.

But This Richness Comes At A Dear:

Empaths crave love and connection more than most people and suffer when they feel isolated. As a result of this strong need for emotional connection, their personal boundaries are often weak.

It’s easier to provoke an empath than others. Because of their heightened emotional sensitivity, even the slightest insult can destabilize them and shatter their defenses.

An empath often feels overwhelmed simply by being around people and is more prone to illness. This isn’t about strength; it’s simply about being overwhelmed by emotions. This inner turmoil makes it difficult for them to think clearly and see the world realistically.

An empath needs structure at all times; they need an environment that isolates them so their emotions don’t get out of control.

If you identify as a highly sensitive person, this might explain why a narcissist might target you. The empath’s inner beauty, their vulnerable personal boundaries, their lack of inner strength, and their strong need for connection make them a valuable target for a narcissist.

This brings us to the core of what attracts a narcissist.

Ultimately, narcissists aren’t complex beings; all they seek is to feed their ego. This means that narcissists are attracted to people who can give them attention, sex, social status, favors, money, loyalty, or admiration. As a result, narcissists may be drawn to beautiful, high-status people, or to people who lack personal boundaries and are easily intimidated.

First, if you have a prestigious social standing or are beautiful, the narcissist will likely perceive you as such. Second, if you are infatuated with the narcissist and compromise your personal boundaries for them, the pleasure of satisfying their ego will be what attracts them.

To keep you attached, the narcissist constantly feeds you false promises and illusions of power.

The Hidden Reason You’re Attracted to Narcissists

First and foremost, a relationship with a narcissist is a world of illusions. Outwardly, a narcissist appears charming and self-assured, but inwardly, they suffer from a state of psychological dissociation and fragmentation, influenced by trauma. To escape this inner nightmare, the narcissist needs to maintain the illusion of uniqueness, superiority, and control at all times.

As a result, the narcissist will do their utmost to awaken your magical thinking. From the very beginning, they’ll convince you that you’re about to embark on a magnificent adventure—perhaps traveling the world, finding perfect love, building the ideal family, enjoying constant protection and care, acquiring wealth and a prestigious position, or undertaking a world-changing mission. You and the narcissist will transcend reality and create something the world has never seen before. During the “love bombardment” phase, the narcissist convinces you of these illusions, exploiting your deep-seated sense of grandiosity.

This is the most difficult part for a sympathetic person to accept. While his light beautifies the world, it also blinds him to his own shadow. Deep within your subconscious lie buried desires and shattered dreams. Deep inside, there are perfect “solutions” that heal your pain and conceal your mistakes.

Related : 5 Examples Of Covert Narcissistic Abuse For The Uninitiated

Empathizers possess vivid imaginations, but this is often a compensation for excruciating pain. The body has many psychological defense mechanisms that help us cope with our suffering. We hope, we deny, we compensate, we disconnect from reality. We imagine scenarios, at least in our minds, that help us solve our problems and overcome our hardship.

What we often overlook is that this beauty and radiance originate from our shadow. Darkness gives birth to light, despair gives birth to hope, and pain gives birth to liberation. This is the hidden reason why you are drawn to narcissists—they exploit your shadow.

How To Avoid Narcissists

Imagination is natural for children. In adults, it’s an age-old reaction to trauma, acting as a painkiller and helping us keep the flame of hope burning amidst our despair and suffering.

To stop attracting narcissists, we must examine our inner selves. We must uncover our dark desires and naive hopes. We must cleanse this part of ourselves and get rid of what we don’t need.

But some things simply need time.

If you want to succeed, face your fears and take the first steps. While you can be bold in your dreams, you must be realistic in your actions. The ideal, unconditional love with someone who will never leave you doesn’t exist. But it is possible to build a respectful and well-defined relationship based on shared values ​​and a sense of belonging.

Traveling the world with all its riches might not be the best way to focus your energy. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue your financial goals by taking one concrete, realistic step.

A friendship or relationship built on constant adventure, fun, and novelty will only drain your energy in the long run. In contrast, moments of happiness are always available within a mutually respectful relationship that contributes to your growth and development.

Living within the confines of reality means constantly confronting feelings of shame. A narcissist rescues you from this by taking you out of reality and creating a stress-free bubble between you, where anything is possible. Letting go of this feeling is incredibly painful; it means facing harsh realities and accepting the frustrations, boredom, and suffering that accompany life.

Attract Reality Not Narcissists

Deep down, we all want to be loved for who we are. This desire begins in childhood and stays with us throughout our lives. No one likes to go to great lengths to be admired or to suppress their true qualities.

A narcissist will make you feel like you’ve won the jackpot. There seems to be something about you that attracts them, something that excites them, something that “perfectly suits them.” You and they are soulmates, or at least strangely compatible. This, unfortunately, is simply projection.

To stop attracting narcissists, you must recognize the mind’s ability to categorize people and situations into two categories: absolutely good and absolutely bad. A person is either perfect or repulsive. In childhood, this is a common way of seeing the world.

But as our minds develop, we gain a more nuanced view of the world. People have both positive and negative qualities, and there’s usually a reason behind them. Some of these qualities are a good match for us, while others are detrimental to the relationship.

Between_Perfection_and_Imperfection_lies_humanity

The harsh truth is that people are attracted to each other for a reason. Perhaps you’re a good listener, have an interesting perspective on the world, are charismatic and intelligent, have many friends, or share common interests.

Usually, there’s an external connection between two people, such as school, work, mutual friends, or a sports team. Within this shared context, the two people may gradually develop positive experiences and a deep bond. In this case, there’s openness, empathy, support, and understanding. You’ve shared good times, bad times, and ordinary times. You’ve seen the best and worst in each other, yet you’ve chosen to stay in the relationship. You’re grounded in reality.

To break the cycle of narcissistic attraction, let go of your illusions.

Narcissists want to avoid the difficult path to a successful relationship. They avoid confrontation, deny their feelings for fear of appearing vulnerable, and feign empathy.

At first, you feel like you’ve finally found someone who accepts you just the way you are. The narcissist projects their vision of “absolute perfection” onto you, and you reciprocate. Neither of you sees any faults in the other.

Moreover, the narcissist helps you transform this vision into a shared, magical world of fun and joy. You feel that this world belongs exclusively to the two of you, and you don’t allow anyone else in. In this bubble, you can be as open as you like. No one is flawed or wrong in this world.

This is why it’s so hard to see the truth. This bubble is a warning sign. When you’re in a bubble where anything goes, the narcissist is free to influence and manipulate you. While you see things through rose-tinted glasses, they will test how far they can push you.

The narcissist will start dictating the course of your relationship and what you should do together. Over time, their narcissistic tendencies will surface. They will gradually begin to push your boundaries to test your limits. Because your relationship started out so wonderful and idyllic, you’ll hesitate to object.

It’s hard to go from a perfect situation to having to say, “No, I don’t want this.”

To restore balance to your relationship, you’ll give in. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself slowly being dragged into the narcissist’s bleak world, where he’s in control and you’re submissive.

And worst of all, you’ll feel powerless to stop it. You’ve already become attached to him. You’re addicted to his euphoria. You’ve invested so much, including your pride and dignity.

Ask The Right Questions

This is why the utopia bubble is so dangerous. It’s not based on reality, it doesn’t tolerate logic, it doesn’t allow for boundaries, and it doesn’t accept responsibility.

When you meet someone you suspect is a narcissist, you need to ask them questions. What is the nature of your relationship? What makes it so charming and perfect? ​​What makes you so charming and perfect that others don’t see you? What would happen if you rejected this person? Why did this relationship suddenly go from nothing to the top in a matter of weeks, even days?

Every relationship requires responsibility, flexibility, boundaries, and a good deal of realism. Maintaining self-awareness in any kind of relationship is difficult. A relationship with a narcissist seems easy at first, but it quickly becomes unbearable. And it will never get better because it’s not based on reality.

You attracted narcissists because you craved illusion. Deep down, in the place you refused to look, you had a desire for perfect love, for the grand adventure. The fastest route to success in life. You have chosen fantasy over reality, pleasure over pain.

Focus on yourself and accept reality bravely. Take responsibility for your pain, and you will no longer attract narcissists.