In popular psychology, the concept of the “empathetic personality” holds widespread appeal, though it is also highly controversial. Some even claim that empathy themselves are narcissists. So what really happens to empathy, and why do they go to so much trouble to escape narcissists?

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After years of reflecting on this topic, I still believe that the concept of the “empathetic personality” is a useful one, especially for those just beginning to recover from narcissistic abuse.

Empathy are known for their deep feelings and creative sensitivity, which makes them easy targets for narcissists. Often boundless, chaotic, and hyperactive, the empathy becomes an easy and rich source of narcissistic gratification—until they realize their mistake.

Narcissists, while difficult to understand, ultimately seek only to satisfy their own narcissism. If someone is rigid, closed off, and emotionally unavailable, they will be a poor source of exploitation for a narcissist.

Regardless of the specifics of each narcissistic relationship, there is always a dominant, more rigid person, contrasted with a more submissive, more flexible one. Often, a person may be emotionally generous in one relationship, then become rigid and narcissistic with another who is more dependent on them. This is almost a psychological law: people in traumatic emotional relationships balance their interdependence, with one person tending to avoid the other, while the other gradually becomes more anxious. From this dynamic arises the “empathetic person.”

The Essence of Empathy

While some empathy may be covert narcissists who have been linked to overt narcissists, I believe the majority of empathy are simply people who have found themselves on the “wrong” side of the relationship equation.

The true empathy lives a life of worry, submission, and giving. From the beginning, they were not allowed to set boundaries, regulate their own lives, or have any independence. To cope within their original family, the empathy was forced to delegate tasks to the parent, who felt threatened by their child’s growing power.

Instead of being supported in refining their emotions and instincts to achieve self-realization, the empathy suffered shame, attack, ridicule, control, and domination over every aspect of their inner life. Whatever the empathy did, the shadow of the controlling parent haunted them, watching and judging their every move.

Related : Why A Narcissist Has Committed To Others — But Not You

This is where the empathizes sensitivity comes from. When one of your parents is moody and constantly dissatisfied, you need to be hypersensitive to their emotions, allowing you to quickly anticipate their reactions. By readily adapting, the empathy protects themselves from their parents’ anger and attempts to control them. In other words, the empathy’s sensitivity allows them to avoid conflict before it even occurs.

Empathetic people also tend to be highly active and expressive. This stems from their repressed emotions, which they were not allowed to express in childhood. Anger, sadness, shame, and even joy—any emotional expression would have threatened the fragile balance of the controlling parent. As a result, the empathy had to repress everything. The result is a constant pressure that persists into adulthood.

Empathetic people received no support in processing, understanding, and releasing their repressed emotions. This makes them attractive to narcissists, who see their emotional outpouring as a rich source of supply, much like a colonial empire is drawn to another nation’s natural resources.

It is precisely this repression of excessive emotions that makes empathetic people creative. Because they haven’t had the opportunity to understand the events of their lives or to explore the meaning and purpose of their existence, empathetic people tend to have a strong affinity for the arts. Much of what the empathy produces, unconsciously, aims to embody their early traumas through the symbols they create.

From all this, we can easily understand why empathy are drawn to narcissists. But the question remains: why does the empathy fall for the narcissist and then find it so difficult to let go?

The Appearance of a Narcissistic Savior

Through their inflated, false self-image, narcissists tend to have a clear idea of ​​their identity, even if this idea is based on delusion and lies.

In contrast, empathy have never had the opportunity to explore their true selves, as their focus has always been on outward appearances, striving to please those who control them.

As a result, the empathy remains in a state of developmental stagnation. They possess immense potential and yearn for self-realization in this world. But when the empathy is trapped in a perpetual, unconscious state of childlike infancy, they feel the need for a “parent” to support them. Drowning in their repressed emotions and lacking the ability to understand their inner and outer worlds, the empathy clings to others in search of order, guidance, and direction. But no rational person assumes the role of parent to an adult.

The narcissist, on the other hand, is not in their right mind. They are more than happy to appear as a superior force, showering the empathy with parental energy. The narcissist, at least initially, is confident and self-assured, with a clear vision of how to “handle” the world. Although the narcissist’s world is based on a fantasy in their mind, it appears perfectly coherent. This strongly appeals to the empathy, who craves leadership, as it helps soothe their anxiety, confusion, and emotional turmoil.

As this type of relationship develops, the narcissist becomes increasingly attached to the empathy for their emotional abundance, and the empathy becomes increasingly attached to the narcissist’s paternalistic presence. Subconsciously, the empathy eventually seeks a path to self-actualization. But what the empathy receives instead is the narcissist’s brainwashing, forcing them to see the world through the narcissist’s lens. In effect, the empathy’s “self” is gradually stripped away, replaced by the narcissist’s inflated expectations. The empathy gradually loses what little sense of self they have left, becoming a mere extension of themselves, designed to please the narcissist.

Imagine spending months or years training for a job that only suits one person. How can you possibly quit and find another job? Everything the empathy stands for becomes associated with the narcissist. Therefore, it makes sense that they wouldn’t want to give it up.