A narcissist is committed to one thing in life: satisfying their ego. If you submit to them unconditionally, offering attention, service, sex, flattery, imitation, and unquestioning cooperation, you will gain their favor.

But the absence of conditions is the foundation of this arrangement. If you bother the narcissist with your needs or demands, they will withdraw and invest in someone more useful. You must be completely subservient to their need to satisfy their ego. Everything else is secondary, including you.

There is one exception. If this ensures the continued gratification of their ego, they will reluctantly “make concessions” to give you what you need, but only under strict conditions.

They Love Me #They Dont Love Me

During the initial adoration phase, the narcissist is completely available and eager to get to know you. But this feeling quickly fades. The narcissist may continue to make some effort, but it never reaches the point where you feel secure in the relationship. Most importantly, they never discuss the future with you. Commitment is a forbidden zone for him.

Many become addicted to the narcissist’s fantasy world, where the narcissist offers them just enough crumbs of attention and “love” to keep them attached. When your demands rise and his offerings dwindle, the narcissist disappears. You might sense this subconsciously, and you’ll act cautiously to avoid causing trouble.

What troubles you most is knowing that the narcissist has a past lover. Even worse, he speaks of her with longing. The great love that was lost. The more he talks about his ex, and the more you dwell on it, the more shame and inadequacy you feel.

You ask yourself: Why not me? I’ve given everything I have to this “relationship.” My mind, my body, my soul, even my money. I’m the perfect person for them. So why won’t they commit?

The Exalted Origin

To understand the true nature of commitment in a narcissist, we must return to their childhood, when their father or mother was the only “special” person in their life. During this period, the narcissist needed to be seen, reflected, appreciated, and loved for their authentic self. However, due to the psychological trauma and mental illnesses their family suffered, their parents failed to provide any of this. As the pain of neglect intensified, a false self-image formed as a defense mechanism to mask and numb their shame.

Each narcissist parent had their own unique style of neglect. In childhood, the narcissist internalized their parent as a model of love, storing them in their memory as an image. The parent’s behavior, actions, body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice—all of this was absorbed and linked to the narcissist’s yearning for love.

Related : Why The Narcissist Disappeared Like You Never Existed

Ultimately, the pain of neglect became unbearable. The narcissist’s attachment to their parents was abruptly severed, and with it, their connection to their true self. This initial “abandonment” alleviates the narcissistic child’s suffering, but it comes at a heavy price. The narcissist’s true self sinks deep into their unconscious, remaining frozen, neither growing nor developing. Within this frozen true self are embodied the profound grief of loss, the anger of neglect, and the shame of not feeling appreciated or loved. All of this is masked by the image of the parent.

Meanwhile, the narcissist continues their life burdened by two fundamental problems. The first is ensuring sufficient narcissistic gratification to maintain their false self, which protects them from the pain they carry within. The second problem is that their true selves are now frozen and buried, while simultaneously calling out to the narcissist for liberation.

A_Chance_for_Rebirth

First and foremost, the narcissist must address their greatest obsession: maintaining their narcissistic supply. If they can secure a “high-quality” supply from people of high status and charisma, that’s excellent. If not, they’ll make do with what’s available. As long as they have enough of this supply, they can continue.

Then comes the narcissist’s second problem: dealing with their underlying trauma. This is no easy task. To rectify their original mistake, the narcissist needs to go back in time and relive what happened with one of their parents—but with a different outcome this time. Every child’s goal is to separate from their parents and achieve self-realization, becoming an independent, strong, and authentic human being. Because the narcissist is unaware of their psychological disorder, they seek a substitute “parent” to help them relive the separation and self-realization process. This new person will look up to the narcissist, admire them, imitate them, love them, and, most importantly, support them on their journey to discover their true self.

Eventually, someone appears who captures the narcissist’s imagination—someone truly great. In an instant, the narcissist’s games of attraction and repulsion vanish, his evasiveness fades away. The narcissist becomes completely devoted, abandoning everything and declaring his eternal loyalty. He meets this person’s family and begins discussing the future. In extreme cases, he might even immediately try to have a child, either of his own volition or that of his partner.

From the narcissist’s perspective, there is something about this person that makes him special. It’s destiny. Divine providence. A knockout blow. It’s the universe. Whatever you call it, a miracle has occurred. After exhausting countless other options, the narcissist has finally found someone worth clinging to.

Double Failure

Some might argue that the more remarkable and impressive you are, the more likely a narcissist is to commit to you. Narcissists cultivate this idea in the minds of all their victims during the glorification phase, making them feel like the most precious person in the world.

But something far more dangerous happens when the narcissist abandons all pretense and commits. While the new object of affection may be attractive or possess captivating qualities, what truly captures the narcissist’s imagination remains hidden in their subconscious. The new object of their affection is their appearance, behavior, facial expressions, tone of voice, the way they express love, and, most importantly, how they conceal it.

Initially, the object of their affection is drawn enthusiastically into the narcissist’s fantasy world, feeding them the “love” and attention necessary to cultivate a narcissistic relationship. Over time, the object of their affection fades, and the narcissist’s true nature emerges. The object of their affection becomes withdrawn, critical, manipulative, and rejecting, much like the narcissist’s parent. The narcissist’s new lover is a carbon copy of the original.

This is why narcissists are so determined to be in a relationship. It has nothing to do with your worth or how special you are. No matter how much love you pour into the relationship, it won’t touch the narcissist’s soul. The narcissist carries a deep psychological trauma they are trying to resolve, rooted in the image of their father. To break free from this torment, the narcissist needs a specific key—the image of their disapproving father. No other key will work.

When someone perfectly matches this mold, the narcissist’s subconscious mind kicks in. They might fabricate a story about why they love this person, but it has no basis in reality. The sad irony is that this strategy won’t work, as the people the narcissist chooses to “love” often suffer from the same psychological issues that plagued one of their parents. The new relationship is doomed to fail, just like the first one.

Just as they deceived you during the glorification phase, the narcissist deceives themselves when they glorify the person they admire and enter into a long-term relationship with them, hoping to resolve their deep-seated psychological trauma. This is what happened when they “got together.”

And that’s why they will never get together with you.