Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-worth and entitlement. They go to extraordinary lengths to protect and maintain this self-image, using any means necessary.
One way narcissists maintain their desired image is by controlling how others see them. By controlling what people think, they create their own narrative in which they are the star.
Narcissists need this exclusive audience to fulfill their own needs. So, what happens when a narcissist loses this control? How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?
How does a narcissist react when they can’t control you?
H.G. Tudor is the pseudonym of a self-confessed narcissist. He’s an expert on the characteristics of narcissists and offers tips on how to escape their controlling behavior. Tudor says that narcissists have three distinct ways of regaining control over you.
They try to control you using manipulation tactics.
They try to control what others think of you with smear campaigns.
They assume control over you by getting rid of you or ignoring you.
Narcissists control you through manipulation
Narcissists may resort to subtle or overt forms of manipulation.
- Love Bombing
When a narcissist feels you are becoming distant, they may go to great lengths to get you back. They may profess their undying love, buy you expensive gifts, or promise to change their behavior.
- Gaslighting
Narcissists use gaslighting techniques to make you feel like you did something wrong to get them to act the way they did. They distort reality, forcing you to doubt yourself. They are pathological liars who twist past events, making you question your own memories.
- Exploitation
Exploitation is a tactic narcissists use to keep their victims hooked on a cycle of abusive behavior. When the victim walks away, the narcissist begs for forgiveness, promises to change. Then they bring you back in, and the toxic behavior begins again.
- Guilt
Narcissists know you care about them, and they exploit this vulnerability by playing the victim. They will use any trick in the book, from blaming others for their mistakes to having a terrible childhood. Because you’re a normal, empathetic human being, you’re drawn into their pity party.
- Undermining Your Confidence
A well-adjusted person with positive personality traits won’t fall for the narcissist’s myths. However, even the strongest minds find constant criticism exhausting, especially when it’s coupled with an aura of superiority.
- Threats of Self-Harm
If none of the above manipulation tactics work, the narcissist will escalate their behavior. This may include threatening to harm themselves or commit suicide if you don’t come back. This is a desperate ploy on their part to force you back into the relationship.
Narcissists Try to Control What Others Think of You
If narcissists can’t control what you do, they’ll move on to destroying your reputation among your friends, family, and coworkers.
- Smear Campaigns
Once narcissists feel they have regained some semblance of power over them, they change their tactics and attack your reputation. They’ll tell outright lies about you to anyone who will listen. They’ll portray you as a crazy person and seek support from your friends and family to turn people against you.
- Playing the Victim
One way narcissists attack your reputation is by making them the victim, not you. Narcissists drum up sympathy for your supposedly offensive actions and now you’re the bad guy, not them.
- Isolation Tactics
When a narcissist’s smear campaign is successful, it works to isolate you from the people who matter in your life. Narcissists are experts at planting enough seeds of doubt to make even your most loyal supporters question your behavior. They do this so you have no one to rely on and you have to go back to them.
- Blame Game
Narcissists project their destructive behavior onto their victim. It’s another one of their twisted mind games. For example, if they’re being unreasonable, they’ll blame you; if they’re cheating, they’ll say you’re being unfaithful. It’s the old switching tactics.
- Outright Sabotage
If a narcissist can’t control you or your friends, they will resort to completely destroying your life as you know it. Anything that brings you joy and happiness is now up for grabs and under threat. They will spread gossip and talk badly about you to anyone who will listen.
Narcissists ignore or dump you, giving them the illusion of control
Narcissists are frustrated people, so if they can’t control you or what others think of you, they will abandon you and say it was their decision all along. They do this by:
- The Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is a well-used tactic by covert narcissists who don’t want to confront their victims. Narcissists swing from extreme right to extreme left, one minute they’re all over you like a rash, and the next minute you don’t hear from them. They’re effective manipulation tactics designed to keep you in the dark.
- Jealousy Inducing
Narcissists use anyone and everyone to keep their current supply alive. This includes new partners or exes. They will show off this new person to you to get a reaction.
- Stalking Behavior
Expect to see your narcissistic ex in random places you are, but don’t expect them to admit to stalking you. After all, it’s embarrassing for them to admit that you’re affecting them too much.
- Narcissistic Rage
The mask of respect falls as soon as the narcissist realizes that he has lost control of himself. This leads to narcissistic rage, where he verbally or physically attacks in the most vile and personal ways. He will use your deepest, most secret secrets to embarrass or shame you.
So how does a narcissist react when he can’t control you? If he can’t control you directly, he will try to influence the people around you, and if that doesn’t work, he will leave you, abandon all efforts to control the behavior and pretend that he is in control after all.
How should you deal with a narcissist’s reaction to losing control of you?
Narcissists may use one or all of the three methods listed above to regain control. This depends on the relationship, whether they are a covert or overt narcissist, their coping mechanisms, and their personality.
If you think a narcissist is trying to regain control:
Get support from friends and family
Set firm boundaries
Make yourself a priority
Use the Grey Rock No Contact Method
Final Thoughts
Narcissists are parasites who care only about themselves. They will do anything to maintain their narcissistic supply (you) and they don’t care how their actions affect you. If you are strong enough to escape their clutches, don’t be drawn back into their distorted world when they try to regain control.
