A reader recently asked a question about the line between healthy loyalty and codependency.
I didn’t have an immediate answer so I took some time to think about it. I looked up the definition of loyalty and it surprised me a bit. The first word listed is dedication. The following words are more familiar; Devotion, loyalty, and support. These things seemed more true to me until I started remembering my relationship with my narcissistic ex-husband.
The turning point in my heart came when I heard a preacher say: We worship what we fear. The words bothered me because I was trying to follow Jesus. I considered myself to worship only Him. But the truth is that I was afraid of my husband. I enslaved him to avoid his wrath. Not only was I afraid of him, but I was afraid of divorce. Like pagans who serve their angry gods, she was enslaved to him by terror.
My parents, my maternal grandparents, and their parents never got divorced. Just the word divorce made me feel ashamed and anxious. My loyalty lies with the status quo and marrying my now ex. The word devotion indicates a deep emotional connection. I certainly didn’t have that towards my husband. Any love has long since disappeared like a plant given no light, air, or water.
But to the outside, you seemed sincere and sincere. Fear captured me. One night, I dreamed that whenever I tried to do anything, a ghostly hand would appear on my elbow. I still remember his fist in my dream when he yanked me away from our farm in Kentucky. Over and over, he pulled me back. For a while, I couldn’t understand what the dream meant. However, God’s sense of humor prevailed, and the phrase “stronghold of fear” entered my soul. I was in the grip of fear.
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My loyalty to my marriage was nothing more than an idol. I feared what family and strangers would think more than I feared for my children’s safety. I feared being a single mother of four more than I feared the dire consequences of enduring abuse year after year. Now I understand some things about loyalty that make more sense than the blind fear I have labeled loyalty for over a decade.
1: Loyalty is mutual.
My ex-husband sat on the steps of our house about a month before I ran away for good. I repented for making him an idol in the faith because I still feared him. I heard him say terrible things about me to his parents, to our friends, to anyone who would listen. I looked at him and said you have no loyalty. He didn’t say anything because it was true and he knew it. If we are loyal to someone who shows us nothing, it is time to rethink our loyalty. Any devotion we may feel toward them will not last. Betrayal is poisonous soil and love does not grow in it.
2: Fear is not loyalty. Fear is slavery.
If we cling to a relationship out of fear, our loyalty will be misplaced. This requires careful self-reflection. Do we stay in a relationship because we are afraid of them? I knew what my ex was capable of. Leaving him meant throwing all my faith in God and my family. The faith required to believe in providing for my daughters and me seemed beyond reach. But the feeling of complete emotional and physical enslavement was killing me. I still suffer the physical consequences of emotional abuse. But facing that fear is the biggest and best thing I’ve ever done.
3: Sincerity tells the truth.
If we participate in relationships in which we cannot be honest, staying in them is not an act of loyalty that will be rewarded. True love can express one’s reality and listen to the reality of another. This is done to ensure fairness within the relationship. There is no love without justice my father once told me. I think it’s true. We support each other with a commitment to telling the truth. Anything else is a fragile system that will collapse. One cannot build a relationship with half-truths and fear.
4: True loyalty is freely given.
Whenever someone asks me to trust them, I hesitate. Trust is not something that is given; Trust is something that is earned. Neither trust nor dedication is an all-or-nothing proposition. Trust and loyalty are built slowly over time. If someone demands complete loyalty, that’s not the loyalty they want. They want control. Control kills love and loyalty every time. Freedom is the foundation of our creation. Free will ensures the possibility of love, while seizing what only needs to be given lays the foundation for emotional blackmail, bitterness, and hatred.
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So I think the answer to the difference between interdependence and loyalty is a bit complicated. Do we experience devotion or fear? Can we express ourselves within a relationship or are we supporting a system designed to enslave us emotionally? Codependency is being more devoted to another person’s life than one is. My faithful service to my ex-husband was the result of a mistaken belief that my devotion would change him. My devotion was founded on terrorism.
Now that I’m in a real marriage, I can see the difference. My husband and I are very careful about each other’s feelings. We never talk badly about each other. We are both committed to fulfilling each other’s destiny. I can tell him the whole truth. Feel free to love and be loved and that ghostly grip? he is gone. In June we will joyfully celebrate fifteen years of faithful marriage. Praise the Lord.
